Classic Cullen Moments
by Sarahgotbored
Summary: With Charlie away for the week, Bella stays with her fav vampie family, during her time there, she finds the REAL crazy side of the Cullens.Emmett in Rose's heels? Carlisle and Esme assisting in pranks? Cars in acid? Oh no ... RANDOMNESS!
1. And so the week begins

BELLA POV

Okay so here I was, sat in the Cullen's living room. Again.

Charlie had gone on a fishing trip with Billy and I had insisted to stay at home.

He was going to be gone for a whole week. A whole week without school. A whole week without cooking. a whole week with my dysfunctional second family.

Esme and Carlisle had also gone out. They were on a week long hunting trip and had insisted I stay at their place and keep Edward, Alice and the rest of the Cullen's company.

Alice had woke me up this morning by jumping on the bed and shouting down my ear "Come on Bella! Time to get up! Today is going to be so fun!"

Then Edward came storming in; Apparently Alice had somehow gotten past him…..

"Alice! She needs her sleep! Go downstairs and help Jasper on the play station. And before you even ask, no you can't take her shopping and spend the rest of the day doing her hair. Forget it Alice!"

Alice's face fell and she stalked out of the room muttering to herself under her breath.

Edward chuckled and sat next to me on the huge golden bed.

Really though. I hardly ever stayed over at the Cullen's and he goes and buys me a bed? A bed in a house where nobody sleeps. Where's the logic in that?

"What was Alice thinking? About my hair? "I asked Edward hesitantly. Knowing Alice it was definitely something outrageous.

"She wanted to buy some Orange hair dye and see what it would look like on you. She also wanted to cut your hair a lot like Hayley Williams'" he sighed.

Alice was always trying out some new style on me. Rosalie wasn't a good enough shopping partner for her - she had been shopping with Rose for the past 70 years or something similar.

Edward kissed my hair.

"So are you getting up now?"

"I hope to god Alice has brought my clothes from home this time. I don't want to spend all morning looking for a pair of jeans in her closet."

Edward laughed.

A few seconds later Alice called us from what sounded like the living room.

"Hey everybody! Esme, Carlisle, Edward, Bella, Rose, Emmet, Jasper! get down here! I have brilliant idea of what were going to do today!"

Edward sighed and pulled me away from the piano, where he was playing his new song.

As we got downstairs, everybody was there apart from Emmett and Rose.

I sat down on the leather sofa and heard screaming from outside. Everybody turned towards the huge glass window.

Emmett was in Rosalie's favourite red dress and red stilettos prancing round the lawn pretending to be his beloved.

Rosalie was chasing after him screaming. He was in trouble.

I wondered idly what drugs he had stolen from Carlisle's drug cabinet this time.

I still remember the time he thought he was Perry the Platypus and painted himself green and walked around the house in a brown hat humming the pink panther theme tune.

Edward laughed. He had obviously read what Rosalie was planning for Emmett.

Emmett ran through the door and Rosalie was after him shouting 'Emmett get back here. You're banned from the bedroom again!'

Emmett just laughed. Carlisle then stood up and went to help Rosalie chase down Emmett.

"EMMETT! IF YOU'VE STOLEN THOSE NEW DRUGS IM SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING I'LL KIL LYOU! "Carlisle shouted. I had never heard him shout like that before. He must be mad.

Carlisle stormed out of the room and Esme followed and exasperated look on her face.

Alice and Edward started laughing.

"What?What is it Edward?" I asked Edward who was literally rolling on the floor.

"Alice what did you see?"Jasper asked Alice who was on the floor.

"Rosalie…Shopping….Emmett…Designer clothes…Esme…Cooking" was all Alice could manage to say because of her laughing fit.

I turned to Edward hoping for a better answer.

"What Alice means to say is that Rosalie is going to take Emmett shopping ,force him into designer clothes take hundreds of pictures and post them all over town. And as extra punishment Esme is going to make him help her with her cooking and he has to clean the whole house" Edward said a smile creeping back across his face.

By this time Alice and Jasper were both on the floor and I was staring at Edward in shock until I started laughing aswell.

Emmett then stormed in followed by Rosalie Carlisle and Esme.

"Aw, come on guys!" Emmett begged.


	2. Smoothies, conspiracies and leaves

**I kind of like accidentally put the first chapter on twice instead of this one so my mistake sorry for the confusion. Thanks for you're reviews, you people are great!**

**Ok after this chapter I might not put the 3****rd**** chapter up for a bit 'cause of school and home-work and Christmas and me and my friends are going to see Twilight when it comes out in the U.K. but anyways here's the second chapter =D hope you like it **

CARLISLE POV

ate the drugs. Emmett ate the drugs. Although it WAS kind of funny when he dressed as Perry the Platypus that time …

I randomly wondered what happened when me and Esme went on a week long hunting trip.

I _told_ her it was a bad idea to leave Jasper in charge. All Emmett had to do was threaten to break the play station and Jasper would turn a blind eye to anything Emmett did.

Emmett somehow always got his own way when Esme and I left. If Alice was in charge he's threaten to break her Prada heels, If Rose was in charge he's threaten to rip up her favourite dress and if Edward was in charge he's threaten to break his piano. He actually did that once. It wasn't pretty.

Yes well we came back – Bella was getting hyper of a strange red coloured sugar drink , Rose was upstairs mourning her favourite red dress that had been burnt somehow , Jasper was hitting the frying pan because 'It wasn't listening' to him and Emmett … well Emmett was being Emmett. In the garage trying to agitate Edward by painting his Aston Martin hot pink and writing 'I heart Mike Newton' on the side in permanent marker.

You know – I REALLY don't want to know what happened._ Really_

ALICE POV

You know Charlie really should go on more fishing trips. The past week has been so FUN! I mean how many people/vampires get to go shopping with your human sister, loose the human sister in question, try sushi, beat up a tree, watch your vampire brother stamp on a leaf because 'its too green' and bear witness to your vampire husband trying to make banana and strawberry smoothie for your human sister all in ONE week. Ok so basically I decided to take Bella shopping…

"Bella, time for shopping!" I shouted up the stairs. Edward couldn't hog her all week.

She walked reluctantly down the stairs and sighed.

"Alice if we're gone all day I'll never let you take me shopping again!" she I knew she was joking.

We got in my porche and drove away.

After a good few hours of shopping Bella wanted to go grab something to eat.

I still wanted to go to Victoria's Secret and Bella really didn't want to so she insisted I go while she grabbed something to eat.

Then I had a vision. A VERY bad vision. Bella was lost. I'd lost her.

Edward was going to kill me. I ran out of the shop I was in and concentrated on finding her.

I found her a few hours later, in the car park of the mall and she was looking very worried.

I ran up to her and gave her a hug.

"Not a word to Edward Kay?" I asked – really I feared for my vampire life!

We got in my porche and drove home. Sure we were a bit later than we should have been and sure we had little less bags than we should have had but no body needed to know I'd lost her. Especially Edward.

When we got back Edward and Jasper were in the living room. Jasper on the play station getting frustrated and Edward awaiting us anxiously.

"Hey Edward where's Emm-" I started but I cut off. Something horrible had been shoved into my mouth. It smelled like raw fish and it tasted more revolting than most human food.

Emmett had obviously been trying his hand at cooking. And he had shoved the disgusting sushi down my throat. I spat the sushi back out and hit Emmett over the head. Edward laughed.

I narrowed my eyes and pounced on Emmett playfully. He ruffled my hair and trashed my hair style.

"EMMETT!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THIS HAIR TOOK TO DO?" I screamed. People like Emmett really don't appreciate the sheer amount of time things like hair styles _take._

Emmett chuckled.

I ran outside and called back to them "IM TAKING BY ANGER OUT ON A TREE! I HOPE ESME DON'T LIKE ANY TREES OUT HERE!"

You know beating up trees is really kind of fun. You should try it some time. God I'm nearly as weird as Emmett. No, Alice, no you are a perfectly sane person who is in no relation to Emmett Cullen.

EMMETT POV

Edward had taken Bella upstairs as she had fallen asleep on the sofa when I decided to go outside and admire the picturesque scenery. I said that 'cause I'm SMART! Meh I really went outside to annoy Alice even more when I saw something monstrous on the trees.

It was GREEN!

I was aware of Alice's eyes on me when I pulled a green 'leaf' or so it says it's a leaf but I bet it's not – IT'S A CONSPIRACY !!

Yes anyway I pulled a 'leaf' of the tree and stomped on it. It wouldn't go any less green so I stomped on it some more.

After four hours of stamping the 'leaf' was still green but also stamped into the ground. It will stay there forever – a monument to all green leaves.

.

JASPER POV

I was bored and the play station was not willing to co-operate with me and let me win.

So when Bella woke up I decided to make her a smoothie.

What? The shiny new blender was just staring me in the face screaming 'use me to blend fruit for unsuspecting Bella, Jasper'

So I grabbed the red fruit called a Strawberry and the yellow fruit called a Banana and squashed them in the blender.

Alice was sat in the kitchen reading the latest Vogue magazine.

She looked at me like I was crazy or something.

"What? I'm making a smoothie for Bella" I was actually surprised she didn't know this actually - she must have seen me making her a smoothie in a vision surely.

So I put the fruit in the blender and Bella walked through the door at the precise second I pressed the 'blend' button.

Ok so let's say Alice, Bella and I walked out of the kitchen with bits of blended fruit in out hair. It's not my fault if the blender didn't want to be good and listen to Jasper.

**Please review and I'm sorry if this chapter isn't very funny I just got caught up in my ICT homework.**

**I will try to make the next one funnier – maybe including Jasper and the postman ….**

**Please review … I'll be you're best friend =D**


	3. Jimbob Jones!

**Thanks for the reviews =D lol here's the 3****rd**** chapter hope you like it !!**

EMMETT POV

The 'leaves' are STILL green. But I am super-observant. I noticed that at a certain time of year all the 'leaves' let down their guard and become BROWN!! I told you it was a conspiracy but did you listen? No. you all said 'stupid Emmett, leaves aren't conspiracies'

But now I'm right so HA!

Yes anyway.

We were all sat therein the living room, watching Rosalie on the play station when the doorbell.

"Emmett, get the post." Alice said, not taking her eyes of Rosalie in case she cheated.

It was nearly my turn.

"Why me? Why not … Jasper?"

"Because Emmett, Jasper ate the postman when he said jasper looked a little young to sign fro a parcel. Post men are now frightened to death of Jasper. Literally." Alice replied, still not taking her eyes of the TV screen.

So I stood up and answered the door.

"JIMBOB JONES! How nice to see you! I didn't know you were working as a postman now." I shouted when I opened the door. Of course I didn't know the guy I just really thought he looked like he was called Jimbob Jones.

/postman gave me a funny look and handed me the parcel and a form to sign.

I signed Carlisle's signature. What? It's useful sometimes. What's also useful is knowing his credit card pin number. Very useful. So if I want something of EBay and he won't buy it me … Meh I'll buy it myself under Carlisle's name. He doesn't know yet. At least I don't think he does…

I walked into the living room and put the parcel down on the table.

I had just started ripping the paper off when Edward stopped me.

"That's Carlisle's, you can't open it." He said.

"I signed for it so I have a right to open it."

When I opened it I found the best thing I could ever find. A spare key to Carlisle's drug cabinet – no more breaking in for me- and TONS of Haribo's.

I grabbed the key and ran with my super doper vampire speed up to Carlisle's study to unlock the wonders that awaited me in Carlisle's cabinet.

BELLA POV

.gosh. HARIBO!!

I couldn't believe Carlisle ordered Haribo. Maybe it was for .Haribo makes me hyper. Anyway back to the story.

We could hear Emmett screaming like a girl from the living room.

Edward rolled his eyes. " Carlisle really should child lock his cabinet."

" Edward, Emmett could break the child lock with his brute strength" It's true. Emmett is like , super strong.

"Meh its Emmett we're talking about here – he'll never think of it" Edward replied simply while we all laughed.

Emmett came running down the stairs and grabbed me into a bone-crushing bear hug.

"HEY LITTLE SISTER!!" He shouted, right down my ear.

"Umm … Emmett… I do need to breathe" I reminded him.

He laughed and ran out of the door.

We all watched as he jumped in the river, ducked under the water and came running back in five seconds later shouting 'FISH' and holding a small struggling fish in his hands.

ROSALIE POV

I know what you're thinking. Not 'cause I'm Edward 'cause I'm thinking what you're thinking too.

Why the HELL did I marry the weird deranged Emmett McCarty Cullen.

I mean running in shouting 'fish'?

I'm gonna have words with Carlisle about bringing his drugs home.

I swear to the god above that one day I will stop Emmett and his mighty partnership with drugs. ONE DAY!! Oh god he's rubbing off on me! Stop Rose Stop!!

Anyway after the little outburst with the fish Emmett ran back outside and put 'Fred' (yes he named the fish.) and went outside to talk to Terry, Timone and Tanya trees. Yep he named the trees and stood outside TALKING to TREES!!

I give up. Really I honestly give up with this family.

I have a deranged husband named Emmett , A sister that obsesses over shopping named Alice , a brother that doesn't know how to use a blender named Jasper, a human sister who can trip over thin air named Bella , an overprotective brother named Edward , a mother who pretends FLOWERS are her family named Esme and a father who brings drugs home from the hospital and goes crazy when Emmett gets his hands on them named Carlisle.

Seriously where do I fit in? Am I the only normal one here??

**Please review and if you ask where I thought of the name Jimbob Jones I just randomly burst out with it during a VERY boring music lesson.**

**Thanks again for the reviews – tell me what you think of this chapter.**

**And I need ideas! I'm running out! =D**


	4. The toaster ate the bread!

**Thanks for all the reviews – especially LemonDropDreams – you're all great! Hope you enjoy the 4****th**** chapter =D**

JASPER POV

The blender is being dodgy. I'm not talking to it or the toaster.

Yes I shall now tell you the story of when the play station did not want to co operate and let me win AGAIN. Why is it that Emmett can threaten everybody and he gets what he wants but when I threaten the play station nothing happens. Anyway the play station was not co-operating so I decided to make Bella toast as the blender was being stubborn.

I walked into the kitchen and put the bread into the toaster.

I went back to the living room and waited to hear the toast pop up with my super doper vampire hearing.

Then the smoke alarm went off.

I ran into the kitchen and smoke was rising from the toaster.

"ALICE!! The toaster ate the bread!" I shouted. Bella was supposed to eat the toast not the toaster!

I grabbed a knife and some jam from the fridge and smashed the toaster to get the toast out.

I put a huge lump of jam on the toast, put the toast on a plate and ran up the stairs to present my master chef work to Bella.

Bella and Edward were sat at Edward's piano and I gently placed the plate of toast on the piano in front of them.

Edward's emotions were amused – what's funny about it??

Bella's emotions were surprised. Well if she wanted a smoothie instead she should have asked. Stupid humans. Always changing their minds.

Anyway after the incident with the toast I decided to go shopping for food at a local shop called 'Asda'.

What kind of name is Asda?

Does it stand for Awesome Strange Deranged Apple? I don't know.

Anyway I went in there and I was shocked. Not by the amount of emotions – don't get me wrong the emotions were overwhelming as well – I was shocked by the amazing amount of products these 'supermarkets' seem to have.

I bought: Chicken (I always thought chickens had feathers, had blood running through their chickeny veins and run around farms mistake)

Yes I bought a chicken 'fillet'.

I went home to give Bella the strange chicken when I saw possibly the most disturbing sight I have ever seen.

EMMETT POV

Well those new drugs Carlisle had made me HYPER!

It's not my fault if I wanted to walk around in a Dracula cape with plastic fangs.

BLAME JIMBOB JONES NOT ME!

Anyway there I was enjoying myself pretending to be 'Count Emacula' when Jasper had to come along and ruin my fun.

"Emmett, what drugs have you stole from Carlisle's cabinet THIS time ?" Jasper asked me. Damn him for interrupting my pretend games.

"Jasper I am Count Emacula and I will suck your blood!"

"EMMETT YOU ARE A VAMPIRE AND SO AM I. I DON'T HAVE BLOOD !! ASK BELLA FOR BLOOD! Crap don't tell Edward I said that !" Jasper shouted but it was too later – Edward already heard.

"JASPER! EMMETT IS NOT GOING TO SUCK BELLA'S BLOOD AND IF HE DOES I WILL KILL HIM AND YOU!" Edward screamed.

Man that guy needs therapy.

Sorry for the shortness of the chapter but I'm really tired and I probably won't be able to update for a few days and this chapter isn't the best but …. As I said I;m running out of ideas. Please review and … and.. I'LL GET EMMETT TO BAKE YOU COOKIES !!


	5. Yo Alice, what's up dog?

**Thanks for the reviews and well I had the idea for this chapter in a dream last night …**

**And I and my friends built on it in school today – during science. Year 8 science is not the most exciting thing in the world so Beth, Katherine and Charis I used some of you're ideas in this one! …. Anyways hope you enjoy this chapter please review and I'll get Emmett to bake you cookies!!**

EMMETT POV

I was so fed up of people telling me I'm stupid. So after the incident with Fred the fish, I decided to venture into Carlisle's drug cabinet YET AGAIN!

I found some drugs I thought might make me smarter.

I grabbed a pair of Harry Potter glasses of the table in Alice and Jasper's room, A suit from Carlisle's room and a evil scientist wig from my wardrobe.

I ran downstairs to show everybody my new genius look.

"Hey everybody! I'm smart!!" I declared proudly.

"Emmett if I had a dime for every time you said that I'd be rich" Rosalie said – She's supposed to be my WIFE, She's supposed to offer SUPORT. But no support is too much for Rosalie Hale – Meh I don't mean that. I just like using sarcasm. I know what sarcasm is because I'm SMART!

Anyway I decided to prove my smart-ness.

"I AM smart! I know that two plus two is twenty two so HA!" I had just proved my smart-ness and they all knew it.

"Um…Emmett? Isn't two plus two four?" Bella said. Stupid human.

"Damn you! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!" I shouted and ran back to Carlisle's study to see what other magical drugs he had hidden in there. I tell you his cabinet is the Aladdin's cave of drugs.

JASPER POV

Well guess what wasn't co-operating with me again?

Yep the play station. I'm gonna invest in one of those x-boxes.

So yeah the play station was being stubborn just like the blender and the toaster so I decided to venture into the kitchen and make Bella a cup of tea … You know the strange brown liquid those English drink.

Anyway I ventured into the kitchen and flicked the cool switch on the shiny kettle.

I got out a cup and set it down on the granite counter Esme had fitted a few months back.

I waited and the kettle started making a bubbling noise.

When it had finished I poured the hot water into a cup and waited for it to turn brown.

After two hours I hit the kettle.

Damn stupid electrical appliances.

I kept hitting the kettle until it was just a shiny metal lump.

"Jasper!!" Alice said walking into the kitchen. She had been so absorbed in her magazines that week that she had blocked out her visions.

"What? It didn't want to listen to me!"

She sighed. " I give up." She said simply and danced out of the kitchen her spiky hair bouncing round her pixie-like head.

ALICE POV

After the Jasper beating the kettle incident I decided to go and look for shoes on a site Bella told me about called EBay.

I was bidding on a pair of absolutely beautiful shoes when I lost the bid. I didn't even see it coming as I was so absorbed in the shoes that I was blocking my mind from my visions.

"DAMN IT! THOSE SHOES ARE MINE,MINE I TELL YOU!"I screamed.

I punched the computed screen and knocked it through the wall.

Emmett came in holding a bottle of drugs. I rolled my eyes.

"Yo Alice! What's up dog?"

"Emmett why the hell are you talking like a gangster?"

"Because I is hyper" he said. Man he is weird.

Yep. He ate the new drugs. Man Carlisle was going to kill him.

I simply stood up and walked into the living room where Rosalie was painting her nails and Jasper was on the play station. Again.

He needs to get it into his head that electrical appliances don't hear or talk.

**Ok so that chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be but I'm planning on making the next chapter the longest and possibly funniest one.**

**Review please and Emmett will bake you cookies!!**


	6. To Awesome Strange Derranged Apple!

**Thanks for your reviews and hopefully this chapter will be the longest and funniest – Beth this is mostly you're idea but it's a bit of Charis' as well =D**

**Hope you like x**

EDWARD POV

I have no idea what time it was at night but Bella was deeply asleep when I heard a terrible banging from the kitchen.

_Stupid metal freezer!_

I heard Jaspers thoughts. All the banging had woken Bella and she was sitting up on the bed now wondering what was going on.

A few minuets later we were all gathered in the kitchen while Jasper destroyed the freezer. When he had finished crushing the freezer Alice asked him why he had felt the need to crush the freezer.

"Well Alice, it wouldn't freeze that chicken I bought from 'Asda' the other day"

"Asda?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, I don't know what it stands for – maybe Awesome Strange Deranged Apple?" Jasper said in answer to Emmett's question.

"OMC LET'S GO!"

"Emmett, its closed. It'll be open tomorrow. And tomorrow we will be trailing round stores to find Esme a new blender, toaster and freezer." Rosalie said.

_Man can this guy be any more stupid? Maybe it runs in the family … Maybe Jasper spending to much time with Emmett has drove Jasper crazy too._

Alice thought.

"We're going shopping?" Bella asked.

I was NOT going shopping with Emmett and Jasper. Rose and Alice I could handle but Emmett and Jasper … no way.

"No Bella, we'll stay here. Rose, Alice, Emmett and Jasper can go."

EMMETT POV

Wow did you know shopping can be amazing?

I saw a washing machine but Rose wouldn't let me have it.

But I DID see a twig. It was the bestest twig ever so I decided to call it twiggy and take it home as my pet.

But Rose said Esme wouldn't like a twig in the house so I built it a house in the garden.

But then I saw a … SNAIL !

I decided to call him Sam. Sam the Snail.

But then Rose had to come along and stand on him by accident.

"NOOO" I shouted but it was to late. The heel of her red stiletto squashed Sam. It was a brief friendship but I will never forget those few moments of my eternal supercalifradgalistic vampire life.

"Sorry 's okay – we'll get you another snail. Or maybe a puppy. Or a kitten. Yeah we'll get you a kitten Kay?"

I nodded. Yay I was getting a kitten!

Anyway back to the shopping trip –

Alice was staring at a pink freezer but Rose said it wouldn't match the black granite so we ended up with a shiny silver freezer.

As for the kettle, they didn't have any kettles that looked like the one Esme had. So we got a small shiny black one – as a present.

And the blender, well we just got a random blender.

I personally don't see why we need a kitchen seeing as though we don't eat. Or sleep.

But Carlisle said we had to 'act the part'. What if I didn't want to act human? Yeah im gonna start acting vampire in PUBLIC! Damn the Volturi. Always ruining my fun. Man I'd love to scare Mike Newton with my vampire speed and brilliance.

Anyway when we got home, Edward was on the piano and Bella was sleeping.

I tried to block my mind and grabbed the hot pink paint from Alice's room. She had been trying to convince Jasper to let her paint their room hot pink but he wasn't giving in.

So I got the paint and a permanent marker and ran outside to the garage.

I blocked my mind as I worked so Edward wouldn't know until the very last minute.

EDWARD POV

Emmett was up to something. He was blocking his kind from me so I knew he was doing something to one of my cars.

I walked outside and saw him looking for Fred the fish in the river.

I was suspicious so I went in the garage and saw: One canary yellow porche, one blood red BMW, one shiny silver Volvo and next to my Volvo, where my Aston martin SHOULD be parked there was a hot pink car with 'I heart Mike Newton' written on the side in permanent marker.

Damn it, it was my Aston Marton.

Oh man he was going to die.

I ran outside with my super vampire speed and Emmett laughed.

"What's up Edward Newton?"

Yep he was DEFINATLEY going to die.

I growled and Alice and Rose came outside and tried to break us up as I was about the kill Emmett.

"Emmett, go clean Edward's car and if it won't come off then you can buy him a new car. Edward Bella's awake and wondering where you are." Rosalie said. She marched Emmett into the garage and watched over him while he cleaned my car.

I walked up the stairs and Bella was awake and wondering what all the shouting was about. I told her and she laughed. I must admit it was pretty funny.

EMMETT POV

I had to clean Edward's stupid car. Man he can't take a joke.

So there I was finishing cleaning the car when Rose got in her car and told me to get in.

"Rose where are we going?"

"I thought I promised you a kitten. And I want a cute little kitten!"

So we drove to the nearest pet shop and bought a little grey kitten.

We walked in the living room and watched it roll around playing with a ball of string and Bella for hours.

Then Bella fell asleep and the adorable kitten that we decided to name Kat curled up on Roses' lap and fell asleep.

"Hey Rose, you're hogging Kat, I wanna hold" Alice whined. Jasper had decided to keep his distance as the last time we had a pet and jasper got hungry well… err lets say that Sandy the puppy didn't last long.

Anyway we sat there all admiring Kat for a long long time until at last Jasper had decided to go and make Bella something in the kitchen.

"Jasper try not to break anything this time" Alice said not taking her eyes of the sleeping Kat.

JASPER POV

Ok so I wandered into the kitchen and saw the microwave.

I had promised Alice not to break anything so I timed the microwave and when food didn't appear I very calmly unplugged the microwave and took it to Alice.

"Alice, the microwave needs Carlisle – it's ill. Food isn't appearing after the timer has gone off" I whined.

Edward laughed. I didn't see what was funny about this.

"Jasper honey you put the food in the microwave to heat up. Microwaves don't get ill." She said calmly

"oh." I said. I walked into the kitchen and gave up. I plugged the microwave back in to the socket and walked back into the living room.

.

"DAMN YOU PLAY STATION TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL NOW LET ME WIN!" I screamed. It didn't work. I still lost.

The doorbell went and Emmett answered it.

"JIMBOB! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Emmett screamed. It must be the postman that Emmett had named Jimbob. The postman probably thought he was on drugs. Meh its Emmett. He probably was.

So Emmett came back into the room with a letter that was to be hand delivered to Emmett Cullen. It looked like Carlisle's writing

_Emmett,_

_If you have touched those drugs I will kill you._

_And I will rip you up and burn you. And if the house is trashed and it is all you're fault then Esme will most likely kill you also. We may stay on the hunting trip a little longer than expected but when we get back the house better be in the condition we left it in._

_Carlisle and Esme x_

"Damn he knows! HE'S BEEN STALKING MEE!" Emmett was panicking. Because he knew he was in trouble.

Ah it's funny seeing Emmett panic.

**Well this chapter took a little less time than expected and please please review and instead of Emmett baking you cookies, Jasper will…will…Give you a hug!**

**=D**


	7. Petra the popcorn bucket!

**Ok here's the next chapter hope you like itt x**

JASPER POV

Well, Alice and Rose had dragged Bella shopping again, Emmett was in Carlisle's study raiding the drug cabinet and me and Edward we sat downstairs really and I mean REALLY bored.

"Jasper lets go out somewhere ANYWHERE! I can't stand being here bored any longer!" Edward said suddenly.

"Yeah lets go to the cinema!" I said. I hadn't been to the cinema in ages.

We got in Edward's Volvo and drove off toward the cinema.

When we got out of the car and walked into the cinema I saw the bestest thing I have EVER seen. EVER!!

It was …a POPCORN BUCKET!

I decided to take it home as my pet and call it Petra, Petra the popcorn bucket.

I walked out and Edward was staring at me confused.

"Uh Jasper I thought you wanted to see a movie …"

"Yeah but then I found Petra. Now let's go home. I want to show Petra out home. Oh maybe the play station, toaster, blender and freezer will listen to me and Petra together instead of like just me!"

Edward rolled his eyes and started walking back to the car.

When we got out of the car Emmett ran out of the house.

Well I say house but really he ran through the window.

"Emmett what's wrong with the door?" Edward asked.

"I don't like the door. And it was too far away!" he said.

"Emmett it was down the corridor." I replied.

"Meh really don't care. WOW WHAT'S THAT JAZZIE?"Emmett shouted looking at Petra the popcorn bucket.

"Emmett never call me 'Jazzie' again and it is my new pet. Petra the popcorn bucket.

"Wow" Emmett replied in awe.

"Yes Emmett wow."

Edward rolled his eyes and walked inside – through the door.

I followed through the door but Emmett went straight through the already-smashed window.

"Emmett you can explain to Esme WHY the window is broken ad you can buy her a new window" Edward said from the living room.

I put Petra down on the table and went into the kitchen to see what other electrical appliances didn't want to listen to me.

EMMETT POV

Well what was I supposed to do huh?

Petra the popcorn bucket was staring at me in the face and I was getting hungry!!

Ok I was still a little hyper of the drugs I stole from Carlisle's drug cabinet.

Well I ate Petra the popcorn bucket.

I tell you cardboard tastes a lot better than I expected it to taste. Like wow. Totally

Yeah and then Jasper came in. He acted like I'd ate his pet or something … oh wait I did. Meh oh well. I had to loose a pet. A very loyal pet called Sam.

"Jasper get over it. Go feed Kat." I said. Wow. No one had fed Kat in like two hours.

Then the girls came back and Bella walked in and tripped. I really couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing and Edward growled.  
"Bring it on Edward. Arm wrestling match. Dining room table." I said confidently.

"Sure. Bring it."

.

Edward pushed my hand and i pushed back with equal force.

Suddenly my hand smashed into the table and the table shattered.

"I'M A WINNER IN MY HEART AND ME AND JIMBOB JONES KNOW IT!" I shouted.

I ran upstairs and walked into Carlisle's study.

ROSLALIE POV

We found Emmett a few hours later in Carlisle's study.

In a caveman outfit.

Man he is crazy. Why did I very marry him? Why?

**Hope you likeyy x please review x =D**


	8. Bleeding Love, New Yorks Bleeding Ears

**Hope you likeyy this chapter – Beth and Charis this is for you – Beth Carlisle the duck gave me this idea.**

JASPER POV

Me and Edward had just come back from hunting when we heard a strange quacking from the living room. Yes. _Quacking._

"EMMETT! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A POND IN THE LIVING ROOM?" Edward screamed.

Em had obviously been raiding Carlisle's drug cabinet.

"Well where else would I put Delilah? He's got no-where else to swim." Emmett said innocently and he pulled a struggling suck out from behind the sofa.

"He? Delilah?" Edward said.

"Couldn't you have at least named it Donald or something?" I asked.

"Donald is Disney!! People will think I'm a saddo on drugs!"

"EMMETT YOU ARE A SADDO ON DRUGS!" Edward shouted.

Then the girls came in and we heard a shrill scream from Rosalie.

"Crap, Rose doesn't like ducks!" Emmett said and he jumped into the paddling pool in the living room.

"EMMETT IF YOU THINK YOU ARE TOUCHING ME AFTER YOU HAVE HAD YOU'RE HANDS ON THAT MANKY DUCK YOU HAVE ANOTHER THINK COMING!" Rose screamed.

Bella came running in and went straight into Edwards arms.

"Eddie… they tortured me! They dragged me round shops for hours! Don't let hem do it again!" Bella whined. Alice would always find a way to take Bella shopping.

EMMETT POV

It's not fair. Rose can have a cat but when I want a pet I can't have a duck. Called Delilah.

Anyways after Rose told me to throw my duckie back where it came from, Alice decided to take us to New York.

Like wow. The Cullen's in New York. I can see the neon signs now. In my imagination of course. I can imagine things like that because I'm SMART. Smarter than you.

Anyway we all got in different cars 'cause like we don't have a car that seats six people. You might but we don't.

Me and Rose went in her BMW and Alice, Jasper, Bella and Edward went in Alice's Porsche.

We reached New York by about four o'clock – I love awesome vampire speed.

Yeah so when we got there Alice wanted to go shopping – of course.

Bella wanted to see a comedy movie.

Rose wanted to go shopping with Alice and obviously Bella would be forced to come along.

Jasper wanted to find a spy's hideout and discuss evil plans.

And I wanted to go and sing at the top of my lungs at the top of the Empire State building.

But no. I can't do what I want.

So everybody went off doing what they wanted to do. Apart from Bella and Edward 'cause they were forced to go shopping. Well Bella was forced to go but Edward didn't trust Alice enough to leave her with her alone.

So while they went I decided to go sing 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis at the top of my voice at the top of the Empire State building.

So I climbed up the Empire State building with my awesome vamp-ness.

I didn't need a microphone as with my awesome vamp voice people would hear me anyways.

So is stood there. Balancing precariously on the top of the spike and started to sing.

"_YOU CUT ME OPEN AND I KEEP BLEEDING,KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE_

_I KEEP BLEEDING, KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE._

_KEEP BLEEDING KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE._

_YOU CUT ME OPEN_

_TRYING HARD NOT TO HEAR BUT THEY TALK SO LOUD_

_THEIR PEIRCING SOUNDS FILL MY EARS TRY TO FILL ME WITH DOUBT_

_YET I KNOW THAT THE GOAL IS TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING_

_UT NOTHINGS GREATER THAN THE RUSH THAT COMES WITH YOU'RE EMBRACE_

_AND IN THIS WORLD OF LONLINESS I SEE YOU'RE FACE_

_YET EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS THAT I'M GOING CRAZY_

_MAYBE MAYBE_

_BUT I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU_

_THEY TRY TO PULL ME AWAY BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THE TRUTH_

_MY HARTS CRIPPLED BY THE VEIN THAT I KEEP ON CLOSING-"_ I was in the middle of my masterpiece when a hand clamped over my mouth and blocked off the sound.

It was Jasper. With my awesome vampire sight I could see Alice, Rose, Edward and Bella all glaring up at me.

All around me windows were smashed and there were accidents on the roads.

"Wow. My singing isn't _that_ bad." I said when Jasper removed his hand from my mouth.

"Yes Emmett you're right – it's worse."

We got down to the bottom and Rose hit me over the head.

"OW! What was that for?" I asked innocently.

"YOU KNOW WHAT! GO TO THE CAR!" Rose yelled. Wow she was mad.

I walked to the car and the others followed. Alice frowning disappointed that her trip had not lasted as long as she would have liked.

ALICE POV

I got in the drivers seat of my car and started driving. It's not fair. Emmett always ruins everything.

I speeded down the dark lanes and I could feel Jasper trying to calm me down.

"Jasper, I'm fine. Though I may kill Emmett when we get back home"

Jasper laughed.

Bella was asleep in the back seat of the car so bang went me taking her shopping.

Stupid humans needing sleep.

I don't sleep and I manage just fine. Whoa I'm going as weird as Emmett. DAMN IT NO! I will NEVER be as weird as Emmett.

When we got back Jasper went to the play station and tried 'talking' to it again.

I went upstairs considering why I ever moved into this family. I got off easy.

I didn't marry Emmett.

**Please review and I'll get Carlisle to give you a hugg !!**

**=D**


	9. I have MORE holes in my house!

**Ok I want to add in some angry Carlisle and Esme. Thanks for all you're reviews **

**Hope you likeyy x**

CARISLE POV

"Carlisle honey? Can we go and check on the house?" Esme begged.

"Sure. I need to make sure Emmett didn't get his hands on those new drugs anyway.

And then we can come back later"

We started running and before we could even see the house we heard screaming.

ROSALIE POV

Emmett was sulking in the corner as I had told him to stay away from me after he had touched that foul duck.

Jasper was shouting at the play station.

Alice was screaming at the computer again because she lost a bid on EBay.

Bella was sleeping.

Edward was screaming at Emmett because he was thinking about painting Edward's Aston Martin hot pink again.

Jasper got up and went in the kitchen

"Jasper if you smash any more of Esme's kitchen stuff , I'm not going out to buy replacements again" Alice called.

Suddenly Esme was behind Alice. Alice hadn't seen them coming back early 'cause they had only just decided themselves.

"What was that Alice?" Esme said, her jaw tightening.

"EMMETT! WHY THE HELL IS THE WINDOW SMASHED?!" Carlisle shouted.

"Damn." Emmett muttered. He had forgotten to replace the window.

"MY WINDOW! YOU KILLED MY HOUSE DAMMIT!" Esme screamed. She stormed into the kitchen to see the damage and her new kitchen appliances.

Carlisle went upstairs and Emmett blocked him at the top.

"Uh…hey Carlisle. Umm…You don't need to check you're cabinet now. I mean you could check it later …" Emmett stuttered

"Emmett let me past r I will kill you. And so will Esme for ruining the house."

Carlisle pushed Emmett aside and stormed into his study.

"EMMETT! WHY IS MY CABINET EMPTY! AND WHY IS THERE A PAPER WITH THE HEADLINE 'MAN SINGS ON TOP OF EMPIRE STATE BUILDING'? AND WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF YOU SINGING? AND WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS THERE A DUCK IN MY STUDY!" Carlisle roared.

I stormed up the stairs. I specifically told Emmett to get rid of the duck.

"EMMETT McCarty CULLEN! I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THAT VILE DUCK!" I thundered.

Bella walked out of Edward's room.

"What's all the yelling about?" she asked confused.

"EMMETT WHERE IS MY NEW BLEND-Oh sorry Bella love. We didn't mean to wake you." Esme apologized.

"Hey why is everyone blaming me? Jasper smashed the blender. And the kettle. And the freezer so don't start on me"

Esme went crazy.

Then when Carlisle had finally calmed down he went to email the hospital.

"EMMETT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE COMPUTER?" Carlisle shouted.

"Hey stop blaming me! It was Alice! She punched the computer through the wall when she lost a bid on a pair of shoes!"

"THROUGH THE WALL! I HAVE MORE HOLES IN MY HOUSE!" Esme roared. "ALICE!" Carlisle shouted.

The shouting continued until Jasper calmed everyone down.

.

"O.K. and Esme are going back and if we come back and the house is trashed I will kill you." Carlisle said calmly.

As soon as he and Esme had run back into the forest Alice shouted "POOL PARTY!"

"Uh Alice …. You don't have a pool" Bella said.

"Bella we have _everything_. Even our own private jet."

Bella was gobsmacked.

We went round the back of our house and Emmett pulled back a green cover and shown Bella the pool.

To be fair it was huge.

So a few hours later we were all stood there in our swimming costumes and Emmett jumped in. Bella really didn't want get so Emmett pushed her down the slide.

She screamed and Edward growled.

"EMMETT!" Edward said through his teeth.

"Chill Eddie" Emmett said coolly.

Bella got out of the pool shivering and slipped.

Emmett laughed.

Edward launched at him and they both went flying into the water.

Bella couldn't get up as she kept slipping and Jasper pushed Alice who bumped into me so me and Alice started fighting.

Jasper was literally on the floor as he couldn't take all the emotions.

After a few hours Alice actually helped Bella up gave her a towel. Jasper calmed Edward and Emmett down and they got out of the water.

**Not as long but I want to make the next chapter really funny and random so – I NEED IDEAS!!**

**Please review and Alice will buy you whatever you wantt x**


	10. CATNIP! Way to break the ice

**Here's the next chapter. **

**OMG TWILIGHT IS AWESOME! **

**Charis, Beth, Katherine and Quynh this is dedicated to you. **

**It's like kind of what we did =D**

ALICE POV

After the disastrous pool party we decided to go to the cinema.

"Can we actually GO this time Jasper in stead of going home when you find a popcorn bucket?" Edward teased.

He shouldn't tease Jazz like that.

If Bella knew what Edward did the past hundred years she wouldn't think he was so sane.

Like the incident with the old granny Edward ran up to and said was his best friend.

And when he went to the supermarket and asked for a 'waterproof towel' and 'striped paint'

Oh and when we went to the beach and he dug up the sand and said he wanted to see Australia.

Seriously we all thought Emmett had force fed him drugs or something.

And then he met Bella. And he went all serious.

Meh. And then Emmett went crazier.

I know right. I thought that was impossible too.

Yeah so I had been banned from EBay when Carlisle and Esme had gone.

Anyways back to the story.

Yeah so Bella and Edward went in his Volvo.

Me and Jazz went in my Porsche.

And Rose and Emmett went in Emmett's Jeep.

When we got to the pictures there was this film on called 'Starlight' or something.

It was about vampires so we decided to go see that.

When we first saw the vampire Emmett shouted

"He's not a REAL vampire! REAL vampires SPARKLE!"

Rose hit him over the head and told him to shut up or the Volturi would come and get him.

After the film had finished Jasper went to the popcorn counter.

"Popcorn please"

"Salty or sweet?" The woman behind the counter asked.

Jasper picked at random.

"Salt."

And, knowing Bella hated salt popcorn, offered her one.

"Bella want some popcorn?"

"Uh after the movie Jasper?" She asked hesitantly.

"Sure. It's sweet. I know you don't like salty"

Bella reached for the popcorn.

She took a handful and put it in her mouth.

She started choking and hit Jasper.

"JASPER!!"

Then a bouncer guy came up to us and told us to get out.

Stupid human.

At the house Jasper offered Bella the popcorn again.

She had forgotten it was salt and she ate it again.

Luckily for Jasper, Edward was no where near Bella when Jazz offered her the popcorn.

She fell for it at least three times **(Sound Familiar Charis + Quynh huh? You know I hate salt popcorn!!)**

Finally I stopped Jasper.

"Jazz , if she gets ill and it's you're fault Edward will kill you so I suggest you stop.

Go outside and try to persuade Emmett to NOT paint Edward's Aston Martin again."

Later on Emmett came running in.

"HEY GUYS!! I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA!!" He screamed.

We all trailed into the living room, dreading what ever Emmett's idea might be.

" is a big wheel that lights up in town and I really wanna go on it!"

Just to make Emmett happy we all went on it.

"Uh okay how many of us are going on it?" Edward asked.

"Well there's me, Jazz, Rose, Em, you and Bella." I replied.

"Ok so six tickets please" Edward asked the guy at the counter

"That's £25 then please"

"WHAT! TWENTY FIVE? IM GONNA EAT YOU!" Emmett screamed.

Jeez it's not like we didn't have the money.

Rose hit him over the head.

"Emmett get in the carriage or you're not going on it at all."

He went on and sat down.

I got my camera out and was prepared to take pictures.

Bella and Rosalie had never been on a wheel before and were scared to move about.

"PICTURE TIME!" I screamed when we were at the top.

Edward put his arm round Bella and I took the picture.

Emmett was being a goofball as usual and Rose was telling him to stop and sit down as he was trying to see if the carriage would fly if it came off the wheel.

I threw the camera to Rose and she got a picture of me and Jazz.

Emmett started rocking the wheel and Bella started panicking.

"EMMETT! YOU'RE FEAKING BELLA OU!" Edward shouted.

"Hey chill Eddie. Even if we fall we won't get hurt and then we'll get Carlisle to bite Bella. So no worries"

That really got Edward mad.

He jumped across the carriage and as there was only Bella on the other side the carriage started to tilt.

Bella screamed and Emmett ran over to the other side to balance the weight out.

He slipped and went flying into one of the glass doors.

Jasper grabbed Emmett's arm and pulled him back before he could smash the window.

Rosalie and Bella were both hyperventilating in the corner.

I was still recording. I didn't want to miss anything.

Edward and Jasper were trying to stop Emmett from rocking the carriage too much when a pigeon flew through the window.

"AHHH! PIGEON!" Rose screamed.

"WHO OPENED THE WINDOW!?" Edward shouted over Rosalie's screams.

Jasper smiled.

"JASPER!" Rose screamed.

Emmett got the pigeon and threw it back out of the window.

I shut the window and told Jasper to calm everyone down.

A wave of calm came over us and Rose stopped screaming.

We stopped at the top and Jasper's wave of calm vanished when Bella fainted and Rose started screaming again.

"CRAP! ROSE STOP SCREAMING! BELLA!! BELLA CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

Edward screamed.

The carriage started to rock and Emmett randomly shouted

"CATNIP!"

The carriage went silent and Rose and Jazz started to laugh.

Bella's eyelids fluttered and she laughed to.

Me and Edward looked around at the faces of our deranged family and rolled our eyes.

Finally the crazy ride ended and Emmett jumped out of the carriage and saw a ant.

"ANTHONY THE ANT!!" he screamed, receiving a few funny looks from people passing.

"Emmett, Esme said that if you have another pet when they get back she will kill you." Rose reminded him.

Esme and Carlisle had left and told us that if anything else went wrong we would all be grounded. Apart from Bella.

Emmett walked away leaving the ant and got in his car with Rose.

We all drove home and he ran upstairs to Carlisle's study.

"Emmett! Carlisle said that he will kill you if any more drugs go missing!" I shouted.

Knowing my luck I'd probably get blamed for it.

**Please review and tell me what you think!!**

**Charis and Quynh – I will never fall for the salt-popcorn trick ever again =DD**

**Muahahahaha**

**Review and Carlisle will give you …. He will give you …. A Christmas present!**


	11. Therapy? You HAVE to be kidding

**Thanks for all you're reviews – hope you like this chapter.**

**All the reviewers get hugs of Jasper!! Yay hugs!**

***Jasper gives all reviews cyber-hugs***

EDWARD POV

I went downstairs and I knew something was wrong.

It was to quiet.

I looked round suspiciously and as I looked out of the broke wall\window, I understood why it was so quiet.

Emmett was in a fish suit – yes he was dressed as a fish – and was in the river pretending to be a fish.

Rose, Alice and Jasper were gathered round trying to get him out of the river.

I walked outside and took one look at Em and walked back in again.

I picked up the phone and dialled a number Carlisle had given me when he had came back to check on the house.

"Hello Forks Therapy Centre how may I help you?" The sectary's voice came down the phone.

"Uh yeah, well it's my brother. Emmett Cullen."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Let's just say right now he's stood in a river in a fish suit." I said simply.

Silence.

"Well, I think I'd better put you through to a doctor. Do you think you could get him on the phone?"

"Uh ok."

I went outside and Rosalie said "Good idea Edward. He needs therapy"

I passed the phone to Emmett.

"What? I don't need a doctor! Did Santa Claus put you up to this? DID HE?" Emmett screamed.

He paused to listen.

"I DON'T WANNA CALM DOWN!" he screamed.

I looked at Jasper and a wave of calm came over Em.

"Yes sir. I am listening to you Mr. Doctor Sir."

We all laughed and Emmett put the phone down.

"Edward. Why did you call a therapist? I DON'T NEED THERAPY!"

"Yes you do Emmett." I replied calmly.

He got out of the river and went inside.

A few hours later he was back in the river. In a duck suit.

"Emmett why the hell are you in a duck suit?"

"Quack"

Jasper came outside.

"Quack? Emmett, why quack?"

"Quack Quack" Emmett replied.

Me and Jasper went inside.

I phoned Carlisle. I knew he wouldn't be happy but it was a emergency.

I dialled his number and he answered after the fourth ring.

'Hello? Edward what do you want?'

'Umm… Emmett's dressed as a duck in the middle of the river. Would you mind if I took him to therapy?'

Carlisle was more than happy.

'Of course I don't mind son! You all need therapy!' was his reply.

I called the therapist back up and booked a appointment for that afternoon.

.

BELLA POV.

A old man came in the room and introduced himself.

'Hello. I'm .i'm going to ask you all a few questions to clear the air ok?'

We all nodded.

'Ok. My receptionist tells me that your names are Bella, Alice, Rosalie, Edward, Jasper and Emmett. Am I right?'

We nodded again.

'Ok. Who do you think is at the centre of all your family problems?'

Everybody pointed to Emmett. He laughed and said 'Yep. I'm the mental patient!'

'Bella, why do you feel Emmett is at the centre of the problems?'

'Well doctor, he loves drugs and is always making fun of my clumsiness.' I answered. Why did he pick on me?

The doctor nodded and turned to Edward who was sat next to me.

'Edward?'

'Pretty much the same reason.'

'Alice?'

'He always ruins my wardrobe! Just after I've been shopping! And he always grasses me up!' Alice whined.

'Jasper?'

'Well where do we start? He paints the cars, dresses up in animal suits, sings at the top of his voice when we go out anywhere. The list goes on'

The doctor then turned to Rosalie.

'Pretty much the same reasons doc.' She sighed.

', I'd like you to just discuss your problems.'

'Well, we wouldn't have problems if Emmett weren't a druggy.' Jasper said.

'Well maybe I wouldn't BE a druggy if you weren't so damn depressing!' Emmett almost screamed.

'Don't take it out on him Emmett McCarty Cullen!' Alice stood up.

I looked at Edward who had an amused look on his face.

Rosalie decided to stick up for Emmett.

'Shut it Alice! It would help if you didn't spend all your time shopping!' Rose stood up and tower over Alice.

'Yeah well I wouldn't go shopping if you weren't moaning all the time!' Alice retorted.

I finally stood up. 'Guys, Guys calm DOWN!' I had to ht to get them to shut up.

'Kay Bells.' Emmett lay down on the sofa and the doctor was shocked.

He coughed. 'Yes well. Bella it looks like you are very controlling as are you Alice and Rosaline.'

'It's ROSALIE!' Rose screamed.

'Sorry. Jasper you seem to be very quiet and you too Edward. Emmett you seem a very loud person. Now I'd like to speak to the girls alone please. Boys can you please wait in the waiting room'

The boys all went outside.

'BELLA'S THE CRAZY ONE!' Emmett shouted. The was a thud and a quiet 'Ow' and 'sorry Eddie'

The doctor looked at us and said ', we'll start with you'

ROSALIE POV

The idiotic doctor turned to me.

'Well you seem to like Emmett very much. Though he IS your brother – keep that in mind.'

'What?' I asked confused.

'Umm… doc, she and Emmett are married!' Alice laughed.

'Oh ok.'

'And Alice and Jasper are too' Bella added.

'And you and Edward …'

'Engaged.' I answered for Bella. She blushed and me and Alice laughed.

'So I understand that you are all adopted yes?'

'Apart from Bella' Alice trilled.

'Well can you tell me some of your problems Rosalie?'

'Emmett.' I answered simply.

'You all seem to think Emmett is the problem.'

'He is.' Bella said.

'He sings on top of buildings, paints cars, eats drugs, eats popcorn buckets, makes pets, and likes to annoy the hell out of the whole family.' Alice explained.

'What about Jasper?'

Alice decided to answer.

'I guess he's a play station addict, loves making evil plans, like beating up kitchen stuff, and he likes reading.' She said.

'He likes to play on the play station? Does he get frustrated?'

'You have no idea. Hence the beating up of the kitchen appliances' Bella replied

' we move on to Edward'

Bella smiled

'He likes to play the piano and he has made a number of songs including a lullaby he made for me, he loves taking me out and-'

I interrupted her.

'Bella face it – before you he used to eat grass, go in shops and ask for striped paint and waterproof towels , and he still talks to his cars sometimes'

'He talks to cars?' the doctor was stunned.

'He talks to the Volvo?' Bella was gobsmacked.

'Not as much as he used to.' Alice said happily.

'Well now we've discussed the boys' problems what about yours?'

'Alice is a shopping obsessed freak' I blurted out.

'Rose is depressing' Alice said. I am NOT depressing!!

'Bella's a klutz!' I then said.

'Alice steals my clothes then dressed me in some I wouldn't be seen dead in' Bella then put her hands over her mouth as if she didn't mean to say it.

'Bella! Those clothes are designer!' Alice screeched. I could hear the boys laughing from the waiting room.

I laughed.

'ROSE!' They both screamed at me.

It took about fifteen minuets for the doctor to calm us down.

'Ok.I'd like to talk to the boys now. Please wait in the waiting room'

JASPER POV

The girls come out and I laughed.

'You know Rose, it's good to get your feelings out like that'

'Shut it Whitlock' she glared at me She only used my real second name when she was really angry.

Emmett whistled. 'Careful there Jazzy, she might just murder you'

Rose gave Em the death glare and he shut up and walked into the doctor's office.

The doctor was sat behind his desk looking very scared.

If he thought the girls' session was bad then he should beware.

Emmett Cullen was with us in out session.

'Ok boys. I just spoke to the girls and I think you all have a few issues you need to sort out. Now, the girls all seem to think that Emmett is the source of all the problems. Do you boys feel the same?'

Me and Edward nodded while Emmett burst out with 'ELFIN!'

The doctor was shocked.

'Emmett, your wife and sisters have told me you like drugs'

'Yeah man.' Emmett replied.

'Ok. Jasper apparently you like to play on the play station.'

'Yep. But it doesn't listen to me! IT'S EVIL!' I shouted and stood up on the chair I was sat in.

The doctor was staggered.

'Uhh…ok. Edward apparently you like to play the piano.'

'Yes.'

'He's also a overprotective jerk!' Emmett shouted. Edward growled. I calmed the room down and the doctor turned back to Edward.

'Is that true?'

'Just because I don't endanger Bella's life every two seconds DOES NOT make me and overprotective JERK!' Edward screamed.

After half an hour of solid arguing the doctor finally had enough.

'THAT'S ENOUGH! IV'E HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAZY FAMILY! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! NEVER MIND THERAPY YOU ALL NEED REHAB!!' The doctor snapped his pencil and we all walked out with shocked expressions.

The girls' faces were identical masks of shock.

'Told you therapy was a bad idea' Emmett mumbled.

**Did you like it?**

**Was it funny?**

**Tell me what you think!!**

**Please review!!**


	12. Oopsies

**Thanks for all the reviews!**

**Hope you like this chapter!**

CARLISLE POV

Me and Esme were half way though our hunting trip when I remembered that the family had gone to therapy.

When I told Esme she was overjoyed.

I actually thought the family's issues were going to get sorted out.

I got my phone and dialled Edward's phone.

Bella answered on the second ring.

'Hello?'

'Hey Bella, where's Edward?'

'Well…uh how do I explain it? He's chasing Emmett round the house to stop him from painting his Aston Martin hot pink for the second time.'

'WHAT!!?' Esme shouted.

'Ok. How did the therapy go?' I asked.

'Oh it went –'she started to say.

'CATNIP!' Emmett shouted then he put the phone down.

'Esme, we're going home, AGAIN!'

ALICE POV

'CARLISLE AND ESME ARE COMING HOME!' I screamed the second my vision had ended.

It all happened very quickly.

Emmett stopped burying Edward and covered the broken window with leaves.

Edward got out the hover and tried to hover up the mess.

Jasper stopped playing on the play station and went into the kitchen to try and beat the new blender back into shape.

Rosalie dashed upstairs and tidied up all the bedrooms with vampire speed.

Bella carried on sleeping and I ran to the bathroom to tidy up the entire make up and put away the curlers.

We all ran downstairs art the same moment and gathered on the sofa acting natural.

'Kids.' Esme said calmly.

'EMMETT!' Carlisle shouted.

'Yes? You called?' Emmett smiled angelically.

'What have you done?'

'I haven't done ANYTHING!'

Carlisle eyed us all suspiciously.

'Where's Bella?' Esme asked.

'Upstairs asleep.' Edward answered. Rose bit her lip.

'What did you do rose.' Edward asked warily.

'Well … uh in think I kind of made the bed with her like … still IN the bed.' Rose explained.

Edward gritted his teeth.

Carlisle held up his hand.

'OK. Tell us what happened at the therapy sessions and then we will go back on our hunting trip' Esme said calmly.

'Well …. We got kicked out and the therapist said he'd had enough of our crazy family.'

Carlisle nodded. 'I don't blame him.'

We told him all about the session and he shook his head.

'Right we are going back on our hunting trip and if we have to come back again I will kill you. Apart from Bella 'cause she's asleep and not part of this family yet. Well legally anyway.'

Him and Esme walked away and the second they were gone Emmett pounced on Edward.

'EMMETT GET THE HELL OF ME!' Edward shouted

The house went back to its former messy state within a few seconds.

.

'UM HELLO? WHY THE HELL AM I TRAPPED IN BED?!!!' we heard a muffled scream from upstairs.

'BELLA!' we all shouted.

'YEAH FINALLY REMEMBERED ME HAVE YOU?' Bella shouted.

Edward ran up the stairs to free her and came back moments later.

Bella sat down and Emmett ran in.

"I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!!!" I screamed.

I picked the camera up of the table and plugged into the computer.

I turned round and everybody was behind me.

"If I upload the videos on to a DVD then we can watch them!! I think we've got when we were on the big wheel and other times, like when we were in New York"

Emmett laughed. "Did you get me singing on camera Alice?"

"Sadly, yes."

When I'd finished uploading the videos, I put the DVD in the DVD player and sat down.

"Edward, go get Bella popcorn." Jasper said from across the room.

"Why?" He asked. "She doesn't want popcorn – She doesn't even LIKE salt popcorn!"

Jasper smirked. "I know"

"Jasper, you already tricked Bella into eating salt popcorn before; you don't have to do it again"

Jasper stopped smiling. "But it's funny!!" he whined.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and pressed 'play' on the remote control.

The first video was Emmett stamping on a leaf and me beating up a tree. We all laughed and then Emmett ran outside and came back in again with the leaf.

Only the leaf was still on a slab of grass.

Emmett had picked up a whole piece of the ground in order to show us the leaf.

"EMMETT!! I JUST HOVERED UP IN HERE!" Edward screamed.

Emmett threw the pile of mud and leaf into the corner.

Edward glared at him and sat back down.

The next video was of Emmett painting Edward's Aston Martin. Then Edward chasing Emmett round the garden. And Emmett running like a headless chicken.

When the video of the pool party came on, Emmett laughed when he saw Bella fall.

She threw a cushion at him and he threw it back.

It hit the play station. Jasper's beloved play station.

"YOU BROKE THE PLAY STATION!" He screamed and he jumped on Emmett and hit him over the head numerous times. Edward cheered.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and me and Bella cowered in the corner away from the mad men.

Rose skipped the video and Emmett threw the cushion at Edward, Which missed and hit Rosalie.

Rose screamed and threw it back at Emmett.

Pretty soon the whole family (apart from me and Bella) were fighting.

Well I say me and Bella weren't fighting – but that was before Emmett came back in from the kitchen.

"ARGH!! I HAVE EGGS STAY AWAY!" He threw and egg and it hit me.

I screamed and threw one of Esme's best ornaments at him.

It hit him and he looked round surprised.

"Wow. Be careful Emmett, the little pixie's after you now" Edward said. I glared at him and he laughed.

Emmett ruffled my hair and I bit him.

He yanked his hand away and ran into the corner of the room.

"OWWW!!! SHE BIT ME!! THE PIXIE BIT ME!" He yelped.

I laughed. "Yeah, don't mess with the pixie."

Rose put her hand on my shoulder. "That'll teach him a lesson. Though we better hope Carlisle doesn't find out. And we'll have to buy Esme a new ornament on top of a new window, another blender, a new computer, a new carpet 'cause that mud will NEVER come out." She sighed.

I laughed and Bella slowly emerged from under the table where she had hid when Emmett started throwing eggs.

I looked around and the house was chaotic.

Emmett was rocking back and forth in the corner cradling his hand, Edward was cleaning his piano and telling it will be ok, yes he was talking to the piano and Jasper was leaning over the play station mourning it.

I shook my head.

"We have a crazy family Rose. No wonder therapy didn't work"

She nodded her head in agreement.

I looked across the room and saw the camera. The red light was on. It was still recording.

I went over and was reaching out for the camera when some one else took it.

I looked up straight into Carlisle's furious eyes.

"We came back when we heard the noise. Lucky you caught it all on tape huh Alice?" Carlisle said through clenched teeth.

Esme was looking round the room in shock.

"Oops." Was all I could say.

**What's Carlisle gonna say?**

**Only one way to find out!**

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	13. What did my blender ever do to you?

**Thanks for all your reviews!!!!**

**I left the last chapter on a cliffy 'coz I'm EVIL!!!**

**Muhahah **

**Here's the next chapter – hope you likeyy**

ESME POV

What had happened to my house?

The cream carpet was grey.

My brand new 70 inch TV had fingerprints all over it.

My beautiful glass table had a huge crack down the middle of it.

My white sofa had footprints and mud smeared all over it.

My huge window/wall was still smashed.

The kitchen door was hanging of its hinges.

And my family …. Where do I start?

Emmett was in the corner, Edward was talking to his piano, Jasper was talking to the play station that was also broken, Bella was hiding under the table for cover (I don't blame her), Rosalie was attempting to clean up, and Alice was trying to explain to Carlisle what had happened.

"What…Happened … to my house?" I managed to choke out.

Carlisle was holding the camera in his hands.

"Esme, it seems we have footage of our 'children's' activities this past week." He said through clenched teeth.

"Everybody – sit down!" I ordered.

They all sat down – after about fifteen minuets.

"I want the sofa!" Emmett moaned.

"No 'because you and Rose sat on the sofa before!" Jasper argued.

"I WANT THE SOFA!" Emmett screamed.

"I'M SITTING ON THE SOFA!" Edward screamed back.

"NO I AM!!" Jasper shouted.

By this time Alice, Bella and Rosalie were already on the sofa.

Emmett sighed and sat on the chair.

Edward and Jasper grimaced and sat on the floor.

Carlisle put the tape in the video and the first video was of Emmett and Alice fighting.

Then Alice beating up the trees and Emmett stomping on a leaf.

"Emmett, why in god's name did you beat up the leaf?" Carlisle asked, trying to stay calm.

"IT'S A CONSPIRACY! IT'S GREEN ! IT'S A SPY FROM OUTER SPACE SPY'S!!!

AND THE OUTER SPACE SPY'S ARE FROM THE VOLTURI!!!" Emmett screamed. Carlisle shook his head and buried his head in his hands.

"EMMETT CULLEN ! LEAVES ARE NOT CONSPIRACIES ! WHY THE HELL IS THAT LEAF IN THE CORNER OF MY LIVING ROOM HUH ? WHAT POSSESED YOU TO RUIN MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE?" I screamed. Jasper laughed.

"DON'T START JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN ! YOU HAVEN'T BEHAVED PERFECTLY I'M SURE !!" I screamed before Jasper calmed the room down.

The next video was of Jasper making a smoothie.

"Why? What did my blender ever do to you?" I asked simply.

"Well , you don't use it Esme." Emmett said. I turned and glared at him.

"I use that blender for Bella." I said through my teeth.

My children were going to die.

They would pay for ruining my beloved house.

EMMETT POV

Jeez , who knew the loving vampire mother could get so angry?

After the video with the blender it was the video of the post man.

When the video was finished Esme was staring at the screen in shock and Carlisle was looking at me. No , _glaring_ at me.

"EMMETT !!! I SPECIFICALLY SAID – DO NOT TOUCH THE DRUGS. WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ? AND NAMING THE POST MAN ! WHAT THE HELL EMMETT ? IF YOU TOUCH THOSE DRUGS AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU!" He roared.

"Hey ! Bella ate the Haribo!" I protested.

"THOSE WERE FOR BELLA !!"

Bella smiled happily.

"Ok ok. Can we carry on watching the videos now? I want to see what else you monsters did to my house." Esme said.

Esme glared at me when the whole fish incident came on the screen.

"Why the fish ? Why?" she asked simply. I shrugged my shoulders.

When Esme saw Jasper and the toaster she went ballistic.

"JASPER !! WHY DID YOU DO THAT ? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO USE A TOASTER ???" Esme screamed.

Note to self – Don't annoy Esme.

Then came the video of me being 'Count Emacula' came on.

Carlisle shook his head.

"Emmett you are a freak. No wonder the therapy didn't work."

Jeez. So harsh dad.

Then came the video of my ultimate smart-ness.

"EMMETT !! JUST HOW MANY OF MY DRUGS DID YOU TAKE??" Carlisle screamed.

"Well , the cabinets empty Carlisle." Edward said.

Oh man , his Aston Martin was going to get it.

Edward glared at me when he read my thoughts.

"Don't even think about it" he muttered to me.

I smiled angelically.

"THE CABINETS EMPTY ? IT'S EMPTY !!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS EMPTY ? HE ATE ALL OF THEM ? EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN ! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND 'DON'T EAT THE DRUGS'??" Carlisle shouted.

I smiled angelically again.

He wasn't fooled.

Ah then was the video of Jasper beating up the kettle.

"Jasper. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CUP OF TEA ? YOU PUT THE TEABAG IN THE CUP , THEN ADD MILK , THEN THE WATER , THEN SUGAR , THEN STIR !!!" Esme screeched.

Alice sighed.

"IT DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ? IT'S A KETTLE !!! IT CAN'T HEAR. IT ISN'T EVEN ALIVE!" Esme shouted and she stood up. She ran into the kitchen and got the new kettle that we had bought her.

She hugged it and sat back down.

Then was the Alice-hitting-the-computer-through-the-wall video.

"ALICE!! ALL MY FILES WERE ON THAT COMPUTER! IT HAD A PROJECT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR 20 YEARS ON IT!" Carlisle yelled while Alice grinned sheepishly.

Then when Esme saw Jasper hitting the freezer she surprised everyone by shaking her head and burring her head in her hands.

She didn't say one word.

Jasper was so relieved even I could feel his relief.

Wow maybe I AM smart.

Then the video of Edward's hot pink Aston Martin.

Edward gritted his teeth and Carlisle noticed that I had gotten a tiny _tiny_ splodge of paint on his Mercedes.

He went crazy.

Then the video of the kitten.

"Aw you got a kitten. Where is it ?" Esme said sweetly.

I looked round at everyone.

We all shared a very worried look.

Esme understood.

"You lost a kitten. How the hell did you manage to LOSE a KITTEN?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe it's upstairs – I'll go look for it" I got up and started to walk out when Esme grabbed my ear and dragged me back.

"Don't think so mister. You ain't getting away THAT easily." She said.

Damn.

Then was the note Carlisle sent.

"Emmett can you read ?" he asked politely.

I nodded.

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU EAT THE DRUGS IF I SPECIFICALLY SAID ON THAT NOTE 'DON'T EAT THE DRUGS!'" He exploded.

I smiled sheepishly and Carlisle glared at me.

Then was the video of Petra the Popcorn bucket.

"Jasper why did you bring a popcorn bucket home?" Esme asked.

"Because it was my pet?" he answered but it sounded more like a question.

Then was the video of me in a cave man suit.

Carlisle just shook his head.

Then Esme saw the video of the duck.

"EMMETT CULLEN !! YOU HAD A DUCK IN THIS ROOM ? OH YOU'RE GROUNDED ! NO , YOU'RE DEAD !!" Esme screamed at me.

Wow threatened by my own mother.

Then was the video of me on the top of the Empire State Building.

"EMMETT ! WHAT PART OF INCONSPICOUS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ? DO YOU WANT THE VOLTURI TO COME AND KILL YOU? HUH ?" Carlisle asked.

I shrugged.

"I was bored ! " I replied and Carlisle clenched his teeth.

Then was the video of when Carlisle and Esme came back.

Then Esme saw the pool party.

"EMMETT CULLEN !!!" Esme shouted when she saw me laugh at Bella falling.

Then she turned to Edward.

"I CAN'T BELIVE YOU ! BOTH OF YOU ! IF YOU THINK YOU ARE LIVING ANOTHER DAY AFTER THIS YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN!! ANYONE WOULD THINK YOU WERE RAISED BY A PACK OF WOLVES!" She roared.

"Ew no, Wolves stink" I replied and she clenched her teeth.

Then was the big wheel.

"EMMETT ! JASPER ! JASPER WHY DID YOU OPEN THE WINDOW ? EMMETT YOU STUPID VAMPIRE ! WHY DID'NT YOU REALIZE THAT IF YOU MOVED THE CARRIAGE WOULD TILT IF THE WIEGHT WASN'T BALANCED OUT?" Carlisle shouted.

The shouting continued and when Carlisle and Esme left to go back hunting they had warned us that if the house was trashed by the time they came back then we would be planning our funerals – apart from Bella.

Jeez the house didn't look THAT bad.

Well ok , maybe it was.

The cream carpet was grey.

The new TV was covered in dust and fingerprints.

The kitchen was an absolute bomb site.

Edward's piano was covered in eggs and god knows whatever else.

The garage was splattered with hot pink paint.

The window was broke and most of the doors were hanging of their hinges.

But they didn't have to shout like that.

God the house wasn't that bad.

It could still get worse.

**Did you like it ?**

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	14. Squirrles, Catnip, and Rubber Ducks

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**Please review and … ummm…. Rosalie will give you her BMW!! Ok maybe she won't but you'll still get a cookie!**

EMMETT POV

We were all grounded. Because the stupid pixie couldn't turn of a video recorder.

Well we were all grounded – _apart from Bella._

We were all in deep trouble – _apart from Bella._

We were all yelled at for AT LEAST two hours – _apart from Bella_.

We had all been threatened by Carlisle and Esme that they would stay on their hunting trip for another week, but they would keep checking up on us.

And we had to fix the house.

We had to replace:

The window

Esme's glass table

Esme's favourite ornament Alice hit me with

Another new blender

A new play station

A new rug because the mud wouldn't come out of the other one

A new camera since Jasper smashed it because it had gotten us all in trouble

A new lamp because I 'accidently' hit Edward over the head with it.

A new cabinet for Carlisle

New drugs for the new cabinet for Carlisle

A new Hoover because I hit it when it wouldn't hover up the mess.

A new computer

A new modem for the internet

A new paint job for Carlisle's Mercedes as the pink paint wouldn't come off.

And we had to pay for it all ourselves.

Carlisle had threatened us all before he had left.

"If I come back and my Mercedes had one SPECK of dust on it I will personally kill you all – apart from Bella."

I sighed.

"Of course never _Bella_."

"Shut up Emmett" Edward called from across the living room.

"I don't have to listen to you!"

"No but you have to listen to me. Now both of you – stop." Carlisle ordered us.

We both shut up and he and Esme went of into the forest.

"OMG I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO TODAY!!" I screamed. Everyone gathered in the living room and Edward read my mind.

"EMMETT! WE DO NOT NEED TO GO TO A RESTRAUNT – WE DON'T FREAKIN EAT!!"

"Jeez , chill Eddie. Everyone else wants to go so come on!"

Everyone just looked at me.

Alice sighed.

"Come on Edward. He's not going to stop mythering us and this way Bella doesn't have to cook."

A few minuets later we all got in our cars and we arrived at a local restraint.

We sat down and Emmett and Jasper made a bet at how many times Bella would trip.

Edward heard and jumped across the table.

"EDWARD!! EMMETT!! JASPER!! STOP FIGHTING!" Rose ordered.

They sat back down and glared at each other.

"500 she trips at least twice" Jasper whispered.

"500 she trips more than ten" I whispered back.

Edward kicked me under the table.

"OW!"

He smiled.

Then the waiters came round.

"Hello what can I get you?"

Jasper looked at him suspiciously.

"Are you related to Sergeant Parker sir?"

The waiter smiled proudly.

"Yes sir. He was my great grandfather. He fought nobly for the north in the civil war. He was truly a great man. But I remember her told me a funny story how he fought over a rubber duck with a Sergeant Major Whitlock."

Jasper clenched his teeth.

"I WAS -I mean – SERGEANT MAJOR WHITLOCK WAS A GREAT MAN AND SERGEANT PARKER STOLE THAT DUCK FROM SOUTHERN TERRITORY! Jasper shouted.

The waiter was shocked.

"MY GREAT GRANDFATHER FOUGHT BRAVELY AND THEIS WHITLOCK STOLE MY GRANDFATHERS DUCK!" The waiter stood on the table and yelled in Jasper's face.

"I'M SORRY SIR BUT YOU SEEM MISTACKEN. GOOD DAY TO YOU!" Jasper shouted back.

He pushed the waiter of the table.

"CATNIP!" I shouted to clear the atmosphere.

Edward hit me over the head.

"SQUIRRLES!" I shouted.

Edward hit me again.

Then Bella ran and started dancing on the table.

"IV'E HAD SKITTLES! YAHH!! I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!! I LIKE TO MOVE IT!" She screamed and started dancing on the table.

Then I had an idea.

I ran into the kitchen.

"Hello guys. I'm your new chef. Bow humbly at my feet! Stare into the awesome gold-ness of my eyes and be full of wonder!" I announced.

The cooks all gave me weird looks and I walked back out.

I leaped into the air and jumped on the chandelier.

Rose stood beneath it screaming.

"EMMETT CULLEN GET DOWN HERE OR THAT THING IS GOING TO BREA- AHH!" She screamed as the ceiling fell down.

We lay in a pile of dust and Alice screamed.

Carlisle and Esme were hovering above us then and I knew why Alice was screaming when I looked into Carlisle's eyes.

"Umm...hi?" Rose asked nervously.

"We specifically said don't do anything stupid. And what do you do? Something stupid. We came back when the house was empty." Carlisle said

"Home now!" Esme ordered.

Man were we in trouble.

**Hope you like this chapter!**

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	15. The Great uh, kidnapping

**Over 100 reviews!! *sequels***

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***hands out cookies for all reviewers***

**Hope you like this chapter.**

ESME POV

Think about it, how would you feel if you came home from a trip and your beautiful house was trashed and then you come home again to find your children are ruining the local restraint.

Jasper was having an argument about the civil war with a random waitor , Bella was dancing on the table , Emmett was swinging from the chandelier and Alice was just running round.

We all got in the cars and when we pulled up at home the house was no different.

When I say no different I don't mean it was how we left it at the beginning of our hunting trip , no it was a mess. Exactly the same as it had been after their food fight when Alice bit Emmett.

We got in and I sat on my sofa and looked round in shock.

"Sorry mom." Emmett said.

He had ruined my beautiful house and all he could say was _sorry!!_

"SORRY? YOU'RE SORRY? WELL BIG HELP EMMETT! MY GORGEOUS HOUSE HAS BEEN RUINED BY YOU STUPID VAMPIRES. SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW AND CARLISLE AND I HAVEN'T FINISHED OUR HUNTING TRIP!" I screamed.

The holidays were over and they were supposed to be in school the day after.

"Esme calm down. Jasper will you please explain to us why you had an argument with the waiter?" Carlisle said calmly. How could he stay calm?

"Well Carlisle, his great grandfather was Sergeant Parker and Parker stole my rubber duck – FROM SOUTHERN TERRTITORY!" Jasper screamed.

"Jazz, calm down." Alice said and she patted his arm.

"Ok. Emmett why were you swinging from the chandelier?"

"Well …. Ummm…. I'M A MONKEY!" Emmett defended himself.

"Bella, why were you dancing on the table?"

"Skittles …. Skittles …I WANT SKITTLES !. TASTE THE FREAKING RAINBOW DOC!!" Bella screamed and then started laughing hysterically.

"Rosalie what were you doing?" I asked her.

"Trying to get Em down of the chandelier.

Hallelujah. I had ONE sane child.

I turned to Alice.

"I was running round trying to find Jasper before he ate the waiter." She answered.

Carlisle sighed.

"Right. Fine. Ok. Esme and I are going back on our hunting trip. You guys have school tomorrow don't forget. And I hope to god we don't have to come back again!"

ALICE POV.

They took of into the forest and I turned to my family.

"Should we wait for school to do something crazy with our awesome vampire powers?"

They all nodded and Bella fell asleep on the sofa.

.

"BELLAAAA!!! SCHOOOOOOL! COME ONNNNN!" I screamed.

She appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Ugh? What the hell Alice?" She said rubbing her eyes.

I flew up the stairs and pulled her into my bathroom where I shoved her into the pink chair.

"ROSE ! WHERE ARE THE CURLERSSSSS?" I shouted.

I didn't really have to shout but it was fun!

Rose appeared in the doorway and handed me the curlers.

"You curl and I'll do make up" She said.

"WAIT!" I screamed. I ran to the door and locked it.

"ALICE OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR NOW!" Edward shouted.

"EDWARD YOU BREAK MY DOOR AND THE PIANO GETS IT!" I threatened.

The banging on the door stopped and there was silence.

"Alice, do you have to torture me like this?" Bella whined.

"Yes Bella so stop moaning."

An hour later Bella appeared down the stairs in skinny jeans, A cute little blue top and a blue hat.

"Aw Bella you look cute!" I squealed and Rose smiled proudly

She blushed.

"Whatever Alice. Can we just go to school now?"

We walked into the garage and she tripped Emmett caught her and put her in the Jeep.

"Emmett what the hell are you doing? I'm going in Edward's Volvo." Bella said from inside the Jeep.

"Aw c'mon Bells, Eddie can't have you all to himself" Emmett whined.

Edward walked in the garage and opened the Jeep door. Emmett shut it again.

"Eddieee please let me and Rose take Bella to school. You, Alice and Jazzie-kins are going in your Volvo so you won't get lonely!"

"Emmett, NEVER call me Jazzie-kins again!" Jasper said from inside the Volvo.

Edward groaned.

"Fine whatever." He said and walked to the Volvo.

"Yay I get to take the human to school!"

I laughed.

"What is it with you vamps and calling me 'the human'?" Bella asked from the Jeep.

I shrugged.

"Meh, it's easier"

.

When we pulled into the parking lot Bella got out of the huge Jeep and tripped.

Rose caught her and laughed.

"Jeez Bella, schools not even started and you're already falling!"

They both laughed.

"Rose, I can trip over ANYTHING at any time." Bella explained and Rose nodded.

Edward, Jasper and I all walked over to the Jeep and laughed.

Emmett picked Bella up and ran around the car park with her.

"Emmett put me down you freak!" She screamed.

Rose rolled her eyes.

"Emmett put the hu- I mean put Bella down!" She shouted.

Emmett laughed and she glared.

He put her down and she ran over to us.

She tripped. Again.

Luckily Edward caught her this time.

The bell rang and we went for art.

The one class we all had together.

Emmett ran in and sat down.

"Oh god." Rose muttered.

We were painting and Emmett acted like a hyper little kid.

We all walked out with paint in our hair.

Although Emmett kinda did look cool with purple hair….

Me and Jazz went to gym while Emmett and Bella went to history and Edward and Rose went to maths.

We promised to meet us with them at dinner and Bella had laughed when Emmett said he wanted a hot dog.

Gym passed in a blur and we got to the cafeteria and Rosalie and Edward were already sat at our table.

Me and Jazz sat down and moments later Emmett and Bella burst it.

"Emmett get over here now and stop being a freak." Rose said and she turned to Bella.

"Has he been doing your head in?"

Bella nodded.

Everyone laughed and Emmett shouted "Where's my hot dog?"

He ran and got one, took one bite and spat it back out.

"Ew how can you eat that stuff Bells?" He asked pushing the rest of the hot dog towards her.

She picked it up and ate it happily.

Emmett started at her in horror.

We all laughed.

"You try some Eddie-kins if you think it's so funny." Emmett said running and getting another hot dog.

"Emmett, never ever call me Eddie-kins again. And it IS funny 'because you know you can't eat human food."

Emmett glared and threw the hot dog at Edward.

Rose hit him.

The cafeteria disappeared and all I could see was the sun coming out the next day.

Edward sighed.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Sun." I answered.

"Oh Yay we get to stay at home!" Emmett clapped his hands like a little girl and Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"SHOPPING!" I shouted. I shouted it a bit too loud because that idiot Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley turned to stare.

Emmett stared back.

"Yes?" He said and Mike and Jessica both looked away.

Bella sighed.

We all looked at her.

"Emmett can I ask you something?" She said innocently.

"Yeah. Go on - ask human."

"One don't call me human and the question; why are you such a freakishly weird vampire?"

"Well Bella, I am a vampire because Rose here saved me from a stupid grizzly bea-" He started to say but Rose hit him.

"No I meant why you are freakishly weird?"

"Ouch. I'm not freakishly weird." He said.

"Yes you are. And very random as well."

"I'm not random! I have many thoughts!"

"Yes many thoughts. Hence randomness , hence you shouting catnip and elfin."

Emmett smiled mischievously.

"ELFIN!" he shouted and ran out.

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"God he is weird."

Then the bell rang.

"Oh god help me. I'm with Emmett this hour." I sighed and trudged of to my lesson.

BELLA POV

I was in biology that hour and when we walked in the lights went down and I tripped.

As usual Edward caught me.

We were watching a film.

Lauren laughed from across the room and Edward threw a pencil at her.

"Uh the pencil?" I whispered

He laughed.

"She was laughing about you tripping before."

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm used to it."

.

Finally the day was over and before I could escape to the Volvo Emmett picked me up and ran to the jeep.

"Muhahah. You can't escape that easily little sister."

He got in and drove down the road.

"Emmett, where are we going?" I asked hesitantly as I noticed we were headed north, away from forks.

"We're going on a little road trip."

"Does Edward know?"

"Nope. Hence why I was blocking my thoughts from him all day." He smiled and I grimaced.

He carried on driving and I noticed we were headed near Seattle airport.

"Um … we're not flying anywhere are we Em?"

He laughed.

"Well why do you think I'm at the airport huh?"

Emmett smiled mischievously and I knew I had no way of getting out of this trip.

**Where does Emmett take Bella?**

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	16. Begin the leprechaun hunt!

**Hands out fish to reviewers* Yay thanks for all the reviews! **

**Here's the next chapter hope you like itt x**

EMMETT POV

We pulled into the airport and I got Bella out of the Jeep.

She scowled at me.

"Emmett, where are we going?"

"You'll see."

We went in and I saw Jasper waiting near a shop.

Bella smiled.

"Jasper! Is Edward here? Emmett's kidnapping me … help me!"

Jasper smiled.

"Sorry Bells." He said when Bella realized Jasper was in on my little plan.

"Ok Bella, here's the thing. Edward told on me the other day and I want revenge. And Jasper's fed up of Eddie too. So basically we are kidnapping you." I said smiling.

My phone buzzed in my pocket I took it out and read the number. Edward.

"Heyy Eddie-kins. Listen –shops to raid, drugs to eat. Bye!" I said and I snapped the phone shut and threw it into the wall.

The phone shattered and I laughed.

"Come ON Bella!" I said and I dragged her to the nearest shop to but some drugs.

We came out of the shop and left Jasper inside, beating up a laptop because it 'wouldn't listen to him'.

We waited outside fro him and when he came out he was in a mood.

"Stupid laptop. Me and my pet pig Truffles will make it listen." Jasper muttered.

"Ok we got a plane to catch!" I shouted and I dragged Bella through the airport.

We got on the plane and sat down.

"Hello this is your pilot speaking. We hope you enjoy your flight to Ireland."

Bella looked at me.

"Ireland? Ireland! IRELAND!?" She screamed.

"Yeahh." Jasper replied.

"Yeah we're going to see the leprechauns." I laughed.

BELLA POV

My phone buzzed and I answered it.

"Bella?" Edward said.

"Edward!" I sighed.

"Bella , where are they taking you?"

"Umm…Ireland." I said and Emmett glared at me.

"Damn it." Jasper said.

"Ok. We're coming to get you – don't worry."

I felt tight on Emmett and Jasper so I didn't let Edward come after me straight away.

"No…I mean, yeah come, but in a few days ok? Emmett said he took me for brother-sister bonding time" I said and Emmett smile at me and Jasper gave me a thumbs up.

Edward sighed.

"Ok Bella. Aw I got to go – Alice is threatening my piano! Love you bye!" Then the phone went dead.

Emmett ruffled my hair.

"Thanks little sister. Eddie might not kill us now."

"Yeah. Thanks Bells" Jasper said.

I sighed.

"Yeah whatever – can I go to sleep now?"

"Yeah ok." Emmett said.

I fell asleep and a few hours later Emmett woke me up.

"BELLAAAAAA!!!!!" He shouted down my ear.

"Jeez Emmett. Are you TRYING to deafen me?"

"Nope I'm trying to get you to wake up." He smiled.

"Urgh fine. What do you want?"

"We're here!" Jasper said.

I got off the plane and got into a random Mini.

"Umm…Jasper? Where'd you get the car?" I asked from the backseat of the red and blue Mini jasper was driving.

"Rented it." He shrugged.

We pulled up at a huge house – well more like castle – and got out.

"Right. LET'S GO HUNT FOR LEPRECHAUNS!" Emmett shouted while me and Jasper rolled our eyes.

"Not yet Em. Maybe later. Let the human eat." Jasper said.

"Hey, WILL YOU VAMPS STOP CALLING ME 'THE HUMAN'!" I shouted.

They laughed and we went inside the castle. Or house. Whichever.

**Please review and instead of a fish you get a …. *thinks* …. A BEANIE BABY !!**

**Yes so please review and you get a beanie baby!**


	17. Hand drawn pictures are SO proof!

**Thanks for all the reviews!!**

***hands beanie baby to all reviewers***

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long but I've been busy with school and that.**

BELLA POV

Emmett ran of and I turned to Jasper.

"Leprechauns?" I asked sceptically. Jasper nodded.

"He does know that leprechauns are mythical creatures right?" I asked slowly.

"Meh. So are vampires and here I am. Talking to you. A human. That can hear me. Aw if you can hear my why can't the play station? And the blender? And the kettle? And the freezer?" Jasper said sadly.

"HEY GUYS!!! GUESS WHAT I SAW?" Emmett screamed and he ran over to where we were stood and started bouncing up and down like a kid on blue powerade and skittles at 8:45 in the morning **(hmm form memories Beth Charis Quynh?)**

"What Emmett?" I asked wearily.

"A LEPRECHAUN!!! A REAL LEPRECHAUN!" he shouted.

Jasper shook his head.

"No Emmett. That was your tiny science teacher in a green cardigan with a green handbag." **(No offence to small people XD)**

I laughed and Emmett sighed.

"Aww. Ohhh when is Eddie coming Bella? He'll help me with my quest to find the almighty rulers of the Emerald Isle" Emmett said happily.

"Em, he's coming to take me home. Away from you and your leprechaun schemes."

"LEPRECHAUNS ARE COOL!" Emmett protested.

"Leprechauns hate vampires" I replied coolly.

Emmett shrugged and ran off.

"Is he ever going to turn sane?" I asked Jasper and he shook his head sadly.

.

Later that night we were outside – still waiting for Emmett to come back from his Leprechaun hunt – when Jasper sighed and went to stand by a stone wall.

"EMMETT! IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE SOON I'M GONNA SMASH THE JEEP!" He shouted.

Emmett was behind Jasper on his knees then.

"Oh no Jazzy-Almighty! Not the Jeep! Please no!" Emmet whined.

"Never call me Jazzy-Almighty again. Now come on the human has to eat!"

I stomped my foot.

"I AM NOT THE HUMAN!" I shouted.

"Huh? Oh god! You're not a pixie like Alice are you?" Emmett said and then he picked me up and said "Nope to big for a pixie. YOU'RE AN IMPOSTER!"

I sighed.

"No Emmett. I am Bella. Not THE human."

"Yeahh but you are Bella. Bella THE HUMAN." Emmett explained rolling his eyes.

"Yeah whatever. I'm hungry let me go eat." I said and I got in the Mini Jasper had rented.

.

After we got back from the restraint I fell asleep in the back of the Mini and when I woke up I was in a four poster bed and I could hear arguing from downstairs.

"JASPER! YOU IDIOT! YOU SCARED THE LEPRECHAUNS!" Emmett shouted.

"LEPRECHAUNS DON'T EXIST!" Jasper yelled back.

"VAMPIRES DO!"

"THAT'S DIFFERENT!" Jasper yelled at Emmett.

"YEAH SO IF VAMPIRES EXIST SO DO LEPRECHAUNS! YOU ARE A NON-BELIEVER! DAMN YOU TO HELL! I DO BELIEVE IN LEPRECHAUNS , I DO , IDO!" Emmett yelled and I heard Jasper sigh.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE EMMETT ! YOU WOKE THE HUMAN UP!"

"HEY! I AM CALLED BELLA NOT THE HUMAN!" I yelled and Emmett ran upstairs and burst through the door.

"Bella! Tell Jazzy that leprechauns exist!"

I shook my head. "Emmett they don't"

"BUT LLAMA'S DO!" He screamed.

"Emmett llamas are animals." Jasper said.

"SO ARE LEPRECHAUNS!"

"We have proof leprechauns are real." I said shaking my head.

"YEAH BUT I HAVE PROOF LEPRECHAUNS ARE REAL1" Emmett screamed.

I got up and pushed past him to the door.

"LEPRECHAUNS ARE REAL!" He screamed and he punched the door.

A few hours later Jasper and I were sat downstairs when Emmett came thundering down the stairs with a piece of paper in his hands.

"LEPRECHAUNS ARE REAL! I HAVE PROOF!" He screamed and Jasper shook his head.

"You drew that Emmett. It is not proof." He said while I laughed.

"I'M NOT GIVING UP!" He screamed and stormed out of the window.

Yes. The window.

Man he is crazy.

**Did you like it?**

**Did you hate it?**

**Please review!**

**Tell me what you think!**

**And Jasper will give you a … KOALA BEAR TEDDY NAMED EMMETT! **

**I actually have a koala bear teddy named Emmett.**

**Yes Charis. I gave in and named him Emmett. Like you told me too.**


	18. McFishy Finger and Carlisle the bear

**Thanks for all your reviews!**

***hands koala bear teddy named Emmett to all reviewers***

BELLA POV

I was sat downstairs with Jasper when Alice and Edward came through the door – followed by rose who was dragging Emmett by the ear.

"OMC LET'S GO SHOPPING!" Emmett shouted and Alice jumped up and down clapping her pixie-like hands.

"Yay! SHOPPING!" the pixie screamed and she ran outside and went to her canary yellow porche.

We got to the mall and Emmett ran into the Build a bear workshop.

Yes. A place where you buy a bear and dress it and name it.

Yes. I know.

Emmett ran in and chose a bear.

He ran to the bear clothes and saw a surgeons outfit.

"OMC! IT'S CARLISLE'S CLOTHES! BEAR SIZE!" He screamed.

He picked it up and dressed the bear.

He named it Carlisle.

Yes. He bought a surgeons outfit and named the bear Carlisle.

Me and Rose walked out.

"Has he always been this crazy?" I said.

Rose nodded and Emmett came running out with Carlisle the bear.

"ME AND CARLISLE ARE FINDING DRUGS!" he screamed.

A few hours later he ran up to me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.

"HELLO MCFISHY FINGER!" he shouted.

A few of the Irish shoppers stared at us.

"Emmett…need….to…breathe!" I chocked out and Jasper came up to Emmett.

"Emmett, put the bear and Bella down." Jasper said.

"I DON'T WANT TO SERGENT MCFISHY FINGER!" Emmett screamed and he saluted Jasper and ran off towards McDonalds.

We followed and found Emmett arguing with the guy behind the counter.

"WHADDA YOU MEAN YOU DON'T SELL MCGRIZZLY BEAR? OR MCMOUNTAIN LION!"

Edward walked to the counter.

"I'm sorry. My brother is mentally challenged."

The guy nodded and Edward turned to me.

"Um… a McChicken burger."

"OH SO THEY SELL MCCHIKEN HUH? BUT NO MCGRIZZLY!" Emmett screamed and he sat down on a chair and shoved his thumb in his mouth.

I got the burger and Edward paid for it.

We sat down and a woman with a green coat on walked past.

"A LEPRECHAUN! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE REAL!" He screamed and then he threw a chip at Jasper.

"Hey what was that for?" Jasper demanded.

"I DID NOT ORDER YOU TO SPEAK SERGENT MCFISHY FINGER!" Emmett shouted and the people at the table behind us turned to stare.

"Emmett people are looking" Edward said.

"I DID NOT ORDER YOU TO SPEAK EITHER MCMIND READER!" Emmett shouted at the top of his lungs.

Rosalie buried her head in her hands. Alice started at Emmett in shock.

"EMMETT CULLEN!" Edward shouted but Emmett picked up a handful of chips and shoved them in Edward mouth.

"EWWWW!" Edward screamed. He spat the chips out and threw a cup of Pepsi at Emmett.

Jasper laughed and then Emmett threw Carlisle the teddy at him.

"NOO CARLISLE I'M SORRY!" Emmett screamed and he ran up to Jasper to retrieve the bear.

"Emmett it's a bear. It can't hear you." Rosalie said sadly.

"HE HAS FEELINGS TO YOU KNOW!" He screamed and ran out of McDonalds leaving us – and everybody else-frozen in shock.

**Did you like it ?**

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**Go on.**

**Hit that little button down there.**

**Pleeeeease !**


	19. Jazz and the Blues

**Thanks for all your reviews!!**

**General Mcfish – Charis – this is our awesome idea from music.**

**Please review!!**

JASPER POV

When we got home Emmett went straight to Carlisle's study and Edward went to the piano while Bella went to sleep.

I saw a random guitar in the corner and I curiously walked over to it.

I picked it up and played a note.

It was awesome!

"EMMETT! GET DOWN HERE!" I shouted and Emmett came storming down the stairs.

"Wah Jazzy?" He asked

"We're gonna make a band! You be on drums and I'll be on the guitar."

Emmett nodded and Alice came bounding over.

"What do you want little pixie?" Emmett asked and Alice smiled showing her teeth.

"Pixie? Pixie's _bite_ remember Emmett?" She said innocently and I heard Edward laugh from the piano.

Emmett laughed nervously and shut up.

"Yeah anyways – I want to be part of your band." She said.

I nodded and she ran upstairs and appeared a second later with microphones.

.

"EVERYBODY! HUMAN AND VAMPS! GATHER ROUND! PRESENTING JAZZ AND THE BLUES!" Alice announced.

We had come up with the name Jazz and the blues when Emmett randomly shouted 'blue.'

In the middle of playing the guitar it decided not to listen to me.

I smashed it on the stage Alice had made and screamed.

"DAMN YOU! YOU STUPID GUITAR! WHY ? WHY YOU STIPID ELECTRICAL MUSCIAL ….. THING!" I screamed in frustration.

Edward laughed.

I jumped at him and Bella jumped behind the sofa.

"LAUGH AT ME AND I'LL EAT BELLA!" I screamed.

"YOU WON'T EAT MY LITTLE HUMAN SISTER SERGENT MCFISHY FINGER!" Emmett screamed and he threw a squirrel at me.

"WHAT THE HELL EMMETT? A SQUIREL?" I said and I threw a random chipmunk at him.

"CHIPMUNK!! AHH IT'S GONNA EAT ME!" Emmett screamed and Rosalie came down the stairs holding a pencil.

Emmett ran away (through the window I might add) screaming.

"He's scared of pencils." Rosalie explained and Bella burst into hysterics.

That of course got me into hysterics.

Which meant Alice was in hysterics.

Then Rose.

And finally Edward.

Emmett came running in with a sharpener.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME PENCIL! I HAVE A SHARPENER AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!" he shouted.

I rolled my eyes and I looked at the guitar.

"Um Jasper? Where did you get that guitar?" Edward asked.

"It was over there in the corner." I answered.

"Umm Jazz, it's Carlisle's!" Edward said trying not to laugh.

I was shocked.

As was Alice and Rosalie.

Bella was just in hysterics.

And Emmett was trying to get her hyper of Haribo.

Yeah ok.

**This chapter wasn't as funny sorry =[**

**PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**General Mcfish – Charis – yea the whole squirrel and chipmunk thing was like …. MCGENIUS!**

**Chaaz.**

**Please review!**

**And I'll give you a bear named Carlisle in a surgeons outfit.**

**Yay!**

**REVEIWWWW !!!!**


	20. WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

**Thanks for all the reviews!!**

**Here's the next chapter hope you like itt x**

ROSALIE POV

After Jasper had finished with the whole band idea Emmett remembered he wanted to go to Asda.

"Jazzy what was that place called that you went to? Yano the one with all the icky human food."

"Asda?"

"YEAH! AWESOME STRANGE DERANGED APPLE!" Emmett shouted

I rolled my eyes and Emmett got the keys and ran out to the garage.

Jasper followed.

"Should we go ? Just in case they do something really stupid?" Alice said and I nodded.

We all went out to the garage and Edward went to get in his Volvo.

"MY VOLVO! MY BABY! NOOOO!" Edward screamed and he started dry sobbing.

Bella coughed.

"Oh um yeah. My car. Uh…yeah. The Volvo…. I WANT MY CAR!" Edward screamed.

I got in my Porsche and Bella dragged Edward into the back seat.

We drove into the car park and Edward saw his Volvo.

"VOLVO!" he screamed and ran up to the damn car and hugged it –yes the oh-so-sane-Edward was HUGGING FREAKING CARS!

Bella walked past and said "I do not know you."

Edward stopped hugging the car and stood up properly.

"Yes anyway. Let's go find the morons." He said and walked away.

Bella laughed.

We walked in the store and immediately heard Jasper.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO MORE BOOKS ON THE CIVIL WAR? I AM DISGUSTED WITH YOU SIR. I HAVE NO MORE BUISNESS HERE. BAD DAY TO YOU" Jasper yelled. He saluted the assistant manager and threw a pencil at him.

Emmett ran up to Jasper.

"JAZZY YOU TOUCHED THE PENCIL! YOU IS GONNA DIE! NOOO! NEWBORN VAMPS CAN'T TAKE YOU DOWN BUT THE PENCIL CAN! I AM A LONE VAM-" Emmett yelled but Jasper clamped his hand over Emmett's mouth.

Jasper screamed in pain and looked at his hand.

"OWWW! HE BIT ME! HE FREAKING WELL BIT ME!" He said.

Emmett laughed.

"EMMETT!" I shouted and he turned to look at me.

He ran down the toy isle with Jasper following.

"EMMETT GET BACK HERE!" I screamed.

"I DON'T WAN-Oh a cookie!" He said and he saw a pack of cookies on the shelf.

He lunged towards the shelf – sending it crashing to the ground – and probably squashing some humans.

Clouds of dust rose from the floor and through the dust I could see a VERY angry looking pixie.

"EMMETT CULLEN! YOU STUPID IDIOT! MY HAIR! MY CLOTHES! MY SHOES! YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE!" Alice screamed and Emmett ran.

Jasper stood there. He saw a civil war book in a shopping trolley and he grabbed it.

"CIVIL WAR BOOK! HAHA!" He screamed and he ran of screaming "My evil plans will make this author bow to the mighty-ness of the south!"

I shook my head and Bella was beside me.

"Rose?"

"Yeah?" I said warily.

"Should we go get Em and Jazz?" She said holding up a fully loaded water gun.

I smiled.

"Why the question?" I said as she handed me a water gun.

I tracked down Alice and handed her and Edward water guns.

We eventually found Jasper and Emmett in the cleaning isle and Jasper was pouring bleach on the civil war book and laughing manically while Emmett was spraying Dettol on the floors and watching as people slipped up.

I sprayed Emmett with water and ducked behind a shelf.

"GENERAL MCSKITTLE!" he shouted to Jasper.

"WE HAVE A PROBLEM SERGENT! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!" he shouted and Jasper stood up.

"NO PROBLEMO GENERAL MCMONKEY!" Jasper said and he saluted Emmett and started throwing cleaning products left right and centre.

Alice sprayed Jasper and he screamed and curled into a ball.

Emmett ran to the drugs isle and started eating the drugs.

He looked at the other customers suspiciously and randomly threw a hairbrush and tried hiding behind a shopping trolley.

While he wasn't looking I grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out of the store to the parking lot , where Alice Jasper Bella and Edward were all waiting.

Jasper gave me evils while Emmett gave Alice evils.

I laughed and got in the car.

Edward got in the Volvo and laughed hysterically.

"OMG! EDWARD HAS BEEN EATING MY DRUGS!" Emmett said standing on the hood of the Volvo.

Emmett screamed and ran home.

When we arrived home the window wall was broke again and we could hear Emmett laughing like a girl from Carlisle's study.

Jasper stalked into the kitchen and stuffed the civil war book into the oven.

I laughed and sat on the sofa.

"Esme is going to kill them." Alice said and I nodded.

They were dead when Carlisle and Esme came back.

**Hope you like it!**

**Please review and tell me what you think!**

**As my birthday present because it's my birthday in like 7 days!!**

**Please review and Emmett will give you a…. PACK OF SKITTLES!**

**Sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny =s**


	21. What is it with you and biting people!

**Thanks for all the reviews! It's my birthday in 7 days YAAAY! So please review!**

**Beth – this is our awesome idea from music! Charis – I CAN NOW PLAY HOT CROSS BUNS! Yeah this is dedicated to you and anyone who reviewed. *hands out skittles to all reviewers***

EMMETT POV

I was so bored.

Carlisle and Esme had called and Edward had told on me again.

Rose wouldn't let me do anything stupid. In other words – I couldn't do anything fun.

I was so bored so I got of the sofa and walked to Edward's piano.

"OI! EDDIE BOY GET DOWN HERE!" I shouted and he appeared at the bottom of the stairs a moment later.

"What Emmett?" he said warily.

"I BET I CAN PLAY THE PIANO BETTER THAN YOU!" I challenged.

Edward snorted.

"Yeah right. I have been playing the piano for over one hundred years. You have never played a piano in you life."

"And?" I asked. God. I didn't need experience to beat Eddie.

I am the awesome Super E! Nothing can beat me!

"Emmett stop calling yourself Super E" Edward said.

God get a LIFE Edward. Dumb mind reader.

He heard my thoughts and he walked towards the piano.

"Ok. Show me what ya got." He said.

I played Hot Cross Buns.

"BEAT THAT EDDIE!" I screamed.

He sat down and started playing Bella's lullaby.

She was sat on the side of the piano and when he started playing she fell asleep. Yeah. She FELL ASLEEP.

Edward's jaw dropped.

"BELLAA! SHE DOESN'T LIKE MY MUSIC ANYMORE!" He screamed.

I laughed and he threw a cushion at me. I dodged it.

"NOOO!" he screamed and ran out going to hug the Volvo.

We were all silent and all we could hear was Bella snoring.

I laughed.

Then Jasper started.

So pretty soon everyone else was laughing.

"AHHHH!" Bella screamed.

"What's up Bella?" Alice asked. Bella stood up.

"A SMURF STOLE MY SHOE!" she screamed and Alice was juts as horrified.

"Was it a shoe I would pick for you?"

"No. It was my favourite sneaker." Bella said sadly and Alice smiled.

"The smurf has a fashion sense dear Bella."

I laughed.

Bella scowled and stalked of to the garage to pry Edward away from the Volvo.

"So what do you wanna do now?" I asked Rosalie Alice and Jasper.

"LET'S WATCH HARRY POTTER!" Alice screamed and I shrugged while Jasper and Rosalie rolled their eyes.

When the huge wolf came on I asked "Hey do you guys think that Sirius Black is Jacobs uncle or something? 'Cause they both have the second name Black and the ability to turn into huge stink wolves"

"OMG! HE'S RIGHT! THE FREAKISH VAMPIRE DRUGGY IS RIGHT!" Alice shouted standing on the sofa.

"Yeah you know Alice – standing on the sofa doesn't make you look much bigger." I mocked.

"EMMETT! ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY HEIGHT?" she demanded.

"Not much to make fun of." I said simply and she jumped at me and bit me. Again.

"OWWWW! JEEZ! DAMMIT PIXIE! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND BITING PEOPLE?"

"You ain't a person or else the treaty would be broken." She said smugly and I glowered t her.

She smiled angelically.

As the saying goes 'The halo is only there to decorate the horns.'

Stupid devil pixie.

**Did you like it?**

**Please review and you can have …. One of Alice's old pairs of shoes!**

**Alice: WHAT?**

**Me: Oh yeah.**

**Alice: NO! I AM EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO ALL YM SHOES!**

**Me: *shrugs***

**TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT AND REVEIWWW!**


	22. Hedwig, the messanger pigeon

**Thanks for all your reviews!**

**Charis and Beth – yeah one of our MANY ideas.**

**Please review!!**

EMMETT POV

If you seriously think I was going to let Edward beat me – you're wrong.

I put on a black beanie hat and ran outside humming the Mission Impossible theme tune.

I climbed up a tree and grabbed a pigeon.

The stupid bird struggled but I eventually captured it.

I ran inside and put the pigeon inside Edward's piano.

"TIMOTHY!" I yelled.

"Emmett who the hell is Timothy?" Jasper asked from the sofa.

"TIMOTHY IS TIMOTHY SERGENT SKITTLE." I yelled and Edward appeared at the foot of the stairs.

"What now Emmett?" Edward said and I ignored him – knowing that if I ignored him long enough he'd wander over to the piano.

Sure enough after fifteen minuets he walked towards the piano.

He pressed down on the keys but all you could heat was a cooing noise.

Edward looked confused.

No scratch that he looked mad.

Mad is a freaking understatement.

"EMMETT! WHAT DD YOU DO?" He roared and I laughed.

He jumped over the sofa and I cowered behind Jasper.

Just then the phone rang.

"Hello?" Edward answered innocently.

Edward nodded and listened to whatever the person had to say.

He put the phone down and turned to us.

"Esme said to tell us that her and Carlisle ran into Tanya and Kate and they are visiting in Denali for an extra week. And she said we can't stay off school tomorrow." He said and I groaned.

"Anyway Emmett…." He said and he attacked me.

He bit me.

Yeah he BIT me.

"OW! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS FAMILY AND FREAKING BITING ME??" I said hopping up and down cradling my left arm.

Edward smirked and went to the garage to hug the Volvo.

Or maybe he went crazy and ….

HUGGED THE ASTON MARTIN!

Nope it was the Volvo.

Bella heard the shouting and appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Urg what the hell happened?" She said looking round the room.

I was hopping up and down while Alice and Rosalie cowered behind a cushion (They didn't like pigeons) and Jasper tried getting the pigeon out of the piano.

"Well….." I said and I started to explain.

.

ALICE POV

"BELAAAAAA!" I shouted and she walked into the room warily.

"Alice I do not need a damn make over right no-" She started to say but I shoved her into the pink chair and Rose appeared brandishing curlers and mascara.

Precisely one hour of playing the popular sport of the Cullen house hold - Bella Barbie - we emerged from the bathroom.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" Emmett shouted in mock surprise.

"Barely." Bella muttered

"Great now thanks to you guys we're late. Esme is going to murder you – AND ban Bella Barbie." Edward said and Bella smiled.

Suddenly the pigeon flew out of the piano.

"HEDWIG!" Emmett shouted and Rose ran to the kitchen while I hid behind Bella.

"Hedwig?" Jasper said curiously.

"YES HEDWIG. HE IS MY MESSENGER PIGEON AND I WILL USE HIM TO SEND NOTES IN SCIENCE CLASS." Emmett yelled. **(Beth! Hoot!)**

Rose slowly came out from the kitchen – holding a frying pan I might add – and she charged at Emmett.

"YOU" –hit- "ARE NOT" –hit- "KEEPING THAT DAMN" –hit- "PIGEON!" she screamed in between hitting Emmett over the head with the frying pan.

"EEK!" Emmett screamed and ran to the garage.

We eventually got to school and Bella and Edward went to maths while Jasper, Emmett and I went to science.

"PST! Jazzy!" Emmett whispered from the front of the classroom.

Jasper – who was sat in the middle- looked round.

An owl came up the isle and landed on Jasper's desk.

"HOOT!" Emmett shouted.

I rolled my eyes and Jasper hit the damn pigeon with his book.

"NOO! HEDWIG!" Emmett shouted and he ran and got the stupid bird.

The bell went and Emmett stood up.

"Me and Hedwig are leaving now. GOOD BYE." He shouted.

When we got home Jasper went upstairs and came thundering down around two seconds later.

"EMMETT CULLEN? WHAT IS THIS?!" He shouted.

Emmett smiled innocently.

"THIS!" He yelled and pointed to a pink bow on his army uniform and a note sewn onto the fabric – 'Leave Hedwig alone. From your stalker.'

Emmett laughed.

"Oh yeah that."

"YES THAT." Jasper yelled and he ran at Emmett and threw the brand new 70'' TV at him.

More new things to buy before Carlisle and Esme came back.

**Did you like it?**

**Charis – the whole Jasper and his uniform bit was our idea from the car park at school – we is awesome =].**

**Please review and tell me what you thought – sorry if this chapter isn't as funny. =s**

**Beth – HEDWIG!**


	23. YOU TOOK MY COOKIES!

**It's my birthday tomorrow Yay! Please review!**

**Thanks for all your reviews!!**

**Here's the next chapter hope you like itt x  
*hands out random skittles to reviews***

EMMETT POV

"HEY GUYS! I have an idea!" I shouted and the rest of my family looked at me warily.

"I REALLY wouldn't Emmett" Alice said after she had a vision about what my idea was.

I ignored her.

"LET'S PRANK CALL PEOPLE!!" I yelled and Rose rolled her eyes.

"I'll cal Esme!" I said and picked up the phone.

She answered on the fifth ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello is this Esme Cullen?" I asked in a high voice.

"Yes" she said suspiciously.

"Congratulations! You have won the World's Worst Vampire Mom award! To collect your trophy and 500 galleons of Quileute pack blood go to Volterra Castle, Italy."

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU! HOW THE HELL AM I A BAD MOM?"

"Your son Emmett McCarty Cullen repeatedly raids your husband Carlisle Cullen's study fro drugs – am I correct?"

"Yes but –"

"Your daughter Alice Cullen is a shopping addict – am I correct?"

"Yes but-"

"Your son Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen struggles with bloodlust and enjoys making evil schemes – am I correct?"

"Yes but –"

"Your son Edward Masen Cullen likes hugging cars and is unbearably over protective – am I correct?"

"Yes but-"

"Your daughter Rosalie Hale Cullen gives up with the family and is unwilling to take part in family therapy sessions – am I correct?"

"Yes but –"

"Your almost - daughter Bella Swan is constantly injuring herself due to her human clumsiness. Am. I. CORRECT?" I demanded while the others were trying hard not to laugh.

"Yes." Esme admitted finally.

I smiled smugly.

"Please collect your prizes at Volterra. And for our special winners you will receive a free – yes FREE- attack from Jane!" I announced.

There was a moment's silence.

"I AM NOT COLECTING A PRIZE FOR BEING A BAD MOM!" she yelled and put the phone down.

I laughed.

"Jazzy – it's your turn. Call Mike." I said and he grinned evilly.

He dialled Mike's number and waited.

"Hello?" Mike answered.

"Hello Michael. I am your stalker. I am a frog. I will now eat you." Jasper said calmly.

"Who is this?" Mike said sounding a little disturbed.

"As I said …. A frog. Named Bill."

"A frog named Bill." Mike repeated and I had to put my fist in my mouth to stop myself from laughing.

"Yes. I am a frog with the name of Bill."

"And you called to tell me what?" Mike asked confused.

"That the trees are alive. They sing. They are singing The Bear Necessities." Jasper said ever so calmly.

"O…kayh."

"Keep your soundproof windows shoot. You don't want to hear the trees sing."

"But I don't have sound pro-"

"KEEP THEM SHUT!" Jasper yelled and then put the phone down.

I laughed and soon everyone laughed with me.

"Rose – it's your turn!" I managed to say through my laughter.

"Call Lauren!" Alice suggested and I nodded.

She picked up the phone and dialled.

Lauren answered on the third ring.  
"Hello?"

"YOU TOOK MY COOKIES!" Rose screamed.

"What?"

"YOU TOOK MY COOKIES! AND ATE THEM! I NOW EAT YOU!" Rose exploded and I tried hard not to laugh.

"What! I don't even like cookies!" Lauren said in surprise.

"BUT YOU ATE THEM! I KNOW YOU DID! DON' LIE TO ME CHILD! I WILL EAT YOU!" she screamed and put the phone down.

I laughed again and soon the whole family was almost on the floor.

Alice grabbed the phone.

"Jacob!" Bella spluttered and Alice nodded.

The phone rang and Jacob picked up after the second ring.

"Hello?"

"You stink." Alice said simply.

"What?"

"You heard me mongrel."

"How do you know I'm a wolf? How do you know about that?" Jacob said, hysteria rising in his voice.

"I have my sources!" Alice said.

"OMG! MALIBU BARBIE SPILLED MY SECRET! I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST HER!" He shouted and once again I tried not to laugh.

"Actually no – Malibu Barbie told me nothing. But the whole of Forks will know you talk to Malibu Barbie tomorrow" Alice said menacingly and she snapped the phone shut.

I laughed.

"He talks to BARBIE?" Bella said and I laughed.

Yet again, the whole family was literally rolling on the floor.

I handed the phone to Edward.

"I really don't see the point in this." He said.

"Yes you do."

"No I don't"

"Phone Aro." I said.

He sighed and took the phone.

"Hello?" Aro answered.

"Hello Aro." Edward said in a deep voice.

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?" Aro shouted.

"Looks like somebody needs a cookie." Edward said.

"I DON'T NEED A COOKIE! I DON'T FREAKING EAT!"

"That can't be good for your health" Edward said disapprovingly.

"I AM A … I DON'T NEED A COOKIE!" he shouted and put the phone down.

Edward laughed.

I handed the phone to Bella.

"No." she said simply.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Or else." I said.

"I am armed Emmett stay away" she said and pulled a match out of her back pocket.

"Yeah whatever." I said and grabbed the match of her.

"I HAVE THE MATCH NOW! Aw hell – the drugs are wearing of!" I whined.

Two hours later ….

"Esme?"

"Yes Edward?"

"Emmett burnt the sofa."

"He. Burnt. My. Sofa?"

"Uh huh."

"I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!"

**Did you like it?**

**Did it make you laugh?**

**Please review and tell me what you thought!**

**It's my birthday tomorrow so please review – as a birthday present =D**


	24. Vimto and the sugar coated straw

Thanks for all your reviews!!

Beth and Charis – our ideas x

Please review and make me happy!

BELLA POV

I ran downstairs screaming.

"Yo Bella – what's up?" Emmett asked.

"WE'RE OUT OF SKITTLES!!" I screamed and burst into tears.

"Hey lets go to Awesome Strange Deranged Apple and get you some then/" Emmett said and Edward rolled his eyes.

"It's ASDA Emmett – jeez."

We got in the cars and drove to Asda.

When we got inside a woman was speaking over the speakers.

"Whoa – where's the voice coming from?" Emmett asked mystified.

"The speakers ……" I said as if I was talking to a two year old.

He laughed and ran down an isle.

He came back holding Vimto.

I took it and eyes it suspiciously.

I looked at the percentage of sugar with narrowed eyes.

"It hardly has any sugar in it Emmett. How the hell am I supposed to get hyper?"

"They don't tell you the nutritional value of the straw now do they? They coat it in sugar and BAM! Kids are full of e numbers and sugar." Emmett said. **(BETH! LOL CHARIS! CHARIS AND THE VIMTO! BETH AND THE SUGAR COATED STRAW!!)**

"Works for me." I said and I went and bought the Vimto.

We got back to the house and I opened the Vimto.

About an hour after I'd finished it.

"EMMETT!! I'M NOT HYPER!" I screamed.

"Sorry! Sorry!" he said and I grimaced.

I stomped upstairs and sulked in the attic.

ALICE POV

"Jeez Emmett. Don't you know how to get humans hyper?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Yeah Alice. Like you'd know if you weren't a freak."

"IT'S A GIFT! I SWEAR TO GOD EMMETT I WILL BITE YOU AGAIN! DO. NOT. UNDERESTIMATE. ME." I yelled.

Rose hit him.

Then Jasper.

And finally I hit him.

"JEEZ – OW! - What is this – OW! - Hit Emmett day?" he asked.

"No but it could be" Jasper said brandishing the frying pan.

Emmett hid behind the sofa.

"Yeah Emmett – Esme's gonna kill you when she see's that burn on the sofa." I said and he shrugged again.

"I'm already dead. And besides – she's gonna kill me for breaking the window again, breaking the new TV …. The list goes on."

"And don't we know it" Rose said.

He laughed and ran upstairs to Carlisle's study.

"Why did I marry him?" Rose asked and Jasper shrugged.

"God only knows" I muttered.

The next morning I woke Bella up and dragged her into my bathroom to play Bella Barbie.

After two hours she came out and went downstairs.

We went to school and as usual there was a crowd around Rosalie's BMW.

Jeez.

You'd think they'd never seen a sports car before.

Bella walked across the car park and fell. Typically.

"Jeez Bella. You need to work on the whole clumsiness issue. You might injure somebody besides yourself one day." Emmett said and Edward hit him.

"Ow" he said and Edward laughed.

The day passed in a blur – apart from gym – which I had with Emmett.

We were never aloud to excel in gym – in case people got suspicious.

Emmett – being stupid and on Carlisle's drugs ran up to the basketball net and pushed the ball in the net with such a force that the net came away from the wall.

Luckily the teacher thought it was just old equipment.

Add that to the Reasons-Why-Esme-Is-going-To-Kill-Emmett-List.

**Did you like it?**

**This chapter was a little rushed.**

**Please review and tell me what you thought.**

**Charis – the Vimto at dinner. And one word – BANNANA!!**

**Beth - THE SUGAR COATED STRAW!!!**


	25. Oh, Revenge IS Sweet

**Thanks for all the reviews …. Sorry I haven't updated in so long – but running outa ideas!!! Please PM with ideas for any of my storiiiiess!!!**

ALICE POV

I went downstairs and looked around.

It.

Was.

CHAOS.

The table was overturned.

And the newly repaired window-wall was smashed.

With a huge Emmett sized hole in it.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???" I yelled and Emmett came out from behind the ruined sofa brandishing a paintball gun.

"ARRRRRR!!!!" he screamed and I ducked as he launched paint at me.

The paint hit Jasper's new play station and he came thundering down the stairs.

"EMMETT!!! MY PLAY STATION!!! NOOOO!!! I LOVE MY PLAY STATION MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! MORE THAN ALI- my car??" He said and I glared at him.

"You were going to say you love that thing more than me weren't you?" I said and he shook his head.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR!!!!" I screeched and he ran.

Then Rose came down the stairs and Emmett attacked her.

"EMMETT!! I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!!" she yelled and Emmett backed away slowly.

"Sorry Rose …. I didn't mean to!" he mumbles and Rose just glared.

"Oh your dead." She said simply.

While Rose and I were glaring at Emmett and Jasper Edward ran downstairs carrying a un-happy Bella.

"I can WALK Edward!" she said but he shook his head.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I CAN'T WALK?!" she yelled and he put her down and hid behind Emmett.

"Yeah ….. We're going hunting now!" Emmett said hurriedly – running out of the door, dragging Edward and Jasper by their arm.

"Revenge." I said simply and Rose and Bella nodded.

.

A few hours later we emerged from Rose and Emmett's bedroom and went downstairs to prepare for our plan.

I went into the living room and sat on the sofa – the play station control in my hand.

Rose and Bella went out to the garage.

We waited and when the boys came back Jasper went into the living room.

I pretended to be playing on the play station and I 'accidently' crushed the control.

"NOOOO!!!!! MY BABY!!! NOT MY PLAY STATIONNNNN!!!" he screamed.

"Oops sorry Jazzy" I said and walked out smirking to myself.

ROSALIE POV

I went out to the garage and pretended to be looking at Emmett's Jeep.

Bella stood by the door with a spanner in her hand.

When the boys started to walk up the drive Bella came to 'hand' me the spanner – but she 'accidently tripped' on the rock that had been 'carelessly left' in the middle of the garage floor.

I ran to catch her and threw us into Edward's Aston Martin – Making sure she didn't get hurt.

I heard the glass of the windows smash and hit the shiny leather seats.

I felt the metal of the doors crush and bend under our weight.

But over all the noise I could still heat Edward's teeth grinding together.

"You. Ruined. My. Car." He said and he fell to the ground by the bonnet of his car and started dry sobbing.

"I saved Bella didn't I?" I said innocently.

"BUT YOU RUNIED MY CAR IN THE PROCESS!!!" he screamed and Bella pretended to act shocked.

"So you love this god damn car more than ME?" she said in mock horror.

"No …. I didn't mean –" he started to say but Bella cut him off.

She held up a hand and walked out of the garage.

Edward followed so it was just me and Emmett.

I threw the spanner at the Jeep window and the window smashed into tiny little glass fragments.

"MY CAR!" Emmett screamed and he dropped to his knees.

I walked out and went into the living room were Edward and Jasper were mourning their loses.

I went upstairs to Alice's room where her and Bella were sat on the bed planning.

"Part two?" Alice suggested.

"Hell yeah" I nodded.

**Did you like it?**

**Tell me what you thought!!**

**Please give me ideas!**

**Or should I just end this story soon?**

**Please reviewww x**


	26. Oh Revenge IS Sweet II

**Thanks to all the reviewers x **

**Thanks to SunnySkies4Life for this idea x**

**Please review x**

ALICE POV

When Bella had woke up Edward and Emmett went to get new cars and Jasper went too – Not wanting to be alone with 'One evil play station destroyer vamp and two evil car destroyers' as he had called us.

When the came back – Edward with a shiny new Ferrari, Emmett with a sleek new Mercedes and Jasper …. With a Mini. Yeah a Mini plus the play station.

He said he bought it because it had the colours of the Texas Flag on it.

I know. Crazy right.

I looked at Rose and she dragged Bella up into her room with me following.

"Now for part two." I said.

Bella nodded.

"What about trashing their new cars?" I suggested and Rose nodded but Bella bit her lip.

"Isn't that a bit mean?" She said and Rose laughed.

"Bella we want REVENGE. Revenge is sweet – not mean" Rose said and I laughed.

"Better get used to it. One of the major parts of being a Cullen is revenge. Me and Rose used to get back on the boys AT LEAST once a week." I said and Rose nodded.

"What about Jasper's play station?" Bella asked and I considered it.

"We'll leave that – for now. He's already lost two play stations. And if we destroy Edward and Emmett's cars we gotta destroy his too."

Rose grinned and Bella was deep in thought.

"How we gonna do it?" She asked

"Do what?" Rose asked her back.

"Destroy the cars. We've already crushed cars. So what do you say we do? Boil them in acid?" she said and I jumped up and clapped my hands and laughed hysterically.

"Who gave her Skittles?" Rose muttered.

"BELLA YOU'RE A GENIUS!!" I screeched and she looked confused.

"I am?" she said surprised and I sighed.

"For that idea!!" I said slowly and she sighed.

"That was called SARCASM Alice." She said and I shrugged.

"Still genius" Rose said and I slapped her a tiny hi-5.

"Guys?" I asked and they both looked at me.

"Shall we laugh evilly?" I asked and Rose started laughing manically – Bella looked confused but joined in with us anyway.

EMMETT POV

We heard them all laughing like evil scientists from downstairs.

Carlisle's drugs had worn off but I was so god damn scared I didn't want to go upstairs.

"What they planning Eddie?" I whispered and Edward shook his head.

"Rose and Alice are blocking their thoughts" he said sadly.

"They're planning something." Jasper said.

"State the obvious" I said and he hit me.

"Hit me and I swear that new play station gets it" I warned and he ran into the kitchen with the play station – but he forgot to unplug it – so he ripped the wire in half.

Of course he didn't notice so Eddie-Kins and I were there. Staring at the sparks coming from the plug socket.

I blinked and burst out laughing.

Edward gave me a weird look and Jasper's head poked around the corner of the kitchen door.

I ran into the kitchen and discovered Carlisle's secret stash of drugs.

"MUAHAHAHA!! I AM UNSTOPPABLEEE!!" I yelled and Edward rolled his eyes.

Jasper tried going upstairs but Alice appeared at the top of the staircase.

"JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN!!! GO BACK DOWN THOSE STAIRS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BREAK THE PLAY STATION AND THE CIVIL WAR BOOK!!!" she yelled.

"Don't anger the pixie Jazzy. She bites. Trust me I know." I warned but Rose heard me.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!! SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP GETTING INVOLVED!!" she screeched and I ran behind the burnt and over-turned sofa.

Edward laughed.

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!!" Bella shouted and I was going to say something but I thought not. If Rose heard me I'd be a dead vamp. Well I already am. But yano.

ROSALIE POV

After the shouting I heard the boys go outside.

I walked into my room where Bella was on the bed and Alice was sat at my dresser doing her make-up.

"Yeah it's a real good plan Alice but how the hell are we gonna get ACID in our garage?" I asked and she smirked and pointed to her phone.

Bella's jaw dropped.

"You ordered it already?" she asked and Alice nodded.

We heard a truck coming up our drive and Alice threw the mascara down and leapt up.

"It's here!!" she squealed and ran downstairs.

It turned out she had ordered three HUGE craters of acid.

We levitated each car above the acid and called them in.

Edward walked in and saw his new Ferrari.

Emmett saw his new Mercedes.

Jasper saw his new Mini.

"Hi boys" I said – holding the rope that with one small tug would send their cars crashing into the acid. And it would be bye-bye new cars.

Edward's jaw dropped.

"This can be easy or hard" Alice said and Emmett said "Easy as in?"

"Easy as in we trash your cars and you just stand there or hard as in we trash your cars and you struggle and then we get MORE revenge" I said sweetly.

"Your choice" Bella said.

**MUAHAHAHAH CLIFFY!!!**

**Pleaseee review x **

**And Jazzy will give you his play station!!**

**Jasper: I WILL NOT**

**Me: yes you will.**

**Jasper : how about a game?**

**Me: a game plus a play station**

**Jasper: boo hoo. Fine = (**

**Me: yaaay. My reviewers shall be happy**


	27. Caw or Coo?

**Thanks to all the reviewers!!**

***Hands out Jasper's play station to all reviewers***

**Here's the next chapter – hope you likeyy x**

ROSALIE POV

I looked at them and saw the horrified looks on their pale faces.

"Um….Hard way. I'm not giving my new car up without a fight." Emmett said and Edward hit him.

"Easy. If we struggle then they trash our next new cars." Edward said and I smiled.

"That's right Eddie." I said sweetly and he glared at me.

Emmett hid his face in his hands and Edward turned to look at him.

I pulled gently on the rope and sent all three cars crashing into the hot acid.

Jasper screamed and Emmett ran out while Edward stood there. Staring at the lump of melted metal that used to be his car.

He stalked out of the garage and I laughed.

"Let's stop with the whole revenge now. It's kinda evil." Bella said and I nodded.

We went into the living room and a few hours later I heard CAWING from outside,

"I be an awesomely awesome pigeon. I caw at you." Emmett said from the top branch of a tree.

"Emmett get out of the goddamn tree" I said warily.

"Caw Rose caw" he yelled and I sighed.

"Caw? Why caw?" jasper said – emerging from the kitchen

"Because I be a pigeon" Emmett said and I sighed.

"Don't pigeon's coo – not caw?" Jasper said confused and I sighed again.

"CAW!!" Emmett screeched and I covered my ears – the sound was so high that the window in the kitchen smashed.

"COO!!" Jasper yelled back.

"Caw. Caw rocks." Emmett said.

"The south rocks. Get it right idiot face" **(Idiot face copyrighted by Bethhh)**

"Caw ROCKS!!" Emmett yelled and Jasper clenched his teeth.

"Are you disrespecting the south?" he asked and Emmett shrugged.

"Are you dissin' Caw?" Emmett asked and Jasper shrugged.

By this time Alice Edward and Bella had come out to join me – looking at the two members of our family as if they had mental problems.

"Yeah I am!" jasper yelled and Emmett looked shocked.

"ATTACK!! ATTACK, FELLOW PIGEONS!" Emmett yelled at me Edward Alice and Bella.

"PIGEON ROSE! PIGEON ALICE! PIGEON EDDIE! PIGEON BELLS! ATTACKKKKKKK!!!! ATTACK THE CAW …. NON-PIGEON JASPER!!!!" he screamed and I sighed.

I walked back into the house and the rest followed.

We went into the living room and left Emmett and Jasper to fight over if pigeons went 'coo' or 'caw'.

Seriously I swear he has mental problems.

ALICE POV

"Hey guys – we got school tomorrow and I was thinking …… maybe we could prank Mike?" I suggested and everybody nodded.

"Can I phone him again? And be his stalker frog?" Jasper asked excitedly and I nodded.

"Alice…. Haven't we done enough this weekend? Trashed cars, then boiled more cars in acid and then be told to attack Jasper by Emmett the pigeon? Do we have to start plotting pranks now?" Bella said and I nodded.

"Of course we do Bella!!" I insisted and she sighed.

I laughed evilly and we started planning the prank on Mike Newton.


	28. Chicken or the Egg?

**Heyy thanks for all the reviews!!**

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**Black. Red. Twilight.**

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EMMETT POV

"Hey guys! I have an idea!!" I announced and they all sighed.

Sheesh my ideas aren't THAT bad.

I was thinking we could blow him up with exploding pumpkins and send him of to be a monk in the Amazon rainforest.

"Emmett we can't do that!" Edward said.

Stupid idiot. He wants to kill Mike just as much as I do.

"Don't say that!!" he said and I rolled my eyes.

"I didn't say it. I thought it so HA!" I said back smugly and he rolled his eyes.

"OMG!! I HAVE AN IDEA!!" Jasper said.

"Everyone SHUSH! Listen to Jazzy now!" I said even though the room was already silent.

Jasper explained his plan and I started nodding and laughing manically.

We were waiting for nightfall to prank Mike when I had an epiphany.

"PEOPLE GATHER ROUND!!" I yelled and everybody entered the living room.

Living room. That's stupid.

I don't LIVE.

It should be dead room. But that might freak people out.

Anyway back to the epiphany.

"I have solved the ancient question – Which came first? The chicken or the egg?"

"Chicken!" Rose said and Jasper shook his head.

"Egg. Idiot" he muttered.

"Hey I heard that!" Rose protested.

"Guys guys!!" Alice said and Rose and Jazzie stopped fighting.

"It's egg dammit!" Edward and said and Bella rolled her eyes.

"It's chicken Edward" she said.

I turned to Alice and she considered it.

"Hmm…. Chicken" she said siding with Rose and Bella.

"The egg came first" I announced and Jasper looked smug.

"Well who laid-" Bella began but I cut her off.

"I hear you ask – who laid the egg? My dear friends …. T'was the pony" I announced proudly.

Bella was deep in thought considering this theory.

"The pony?" Rose said in a tone that questioned my metal health.

"Pony! Ponies don't lay freaking eggs!!" Edward protested.

"Do too!!!" I said back to him and he rolled his eyes.

"Whatever"

A FEW HOURS LATER

We were all dressed in black and crawling through the trees at the forest behind Mike's house, ready to put Jasper's master plan into action when Bella suddenly lost that deep-in-thought-look that she had worn on her face since my epiphany.

"Edward? Can ponies lay eggs?" she asked and Edward sighed.

Muhahah.

Me confuses the human.

**Sorry!! Short chapter I know!!**

**I NEED A PLAN FOR A PRANK ON MIKE!!**

**I DESPERATLEY NEED AN IDEA!!**

**PLEASE PM ME OR GIVE ME AN IDEA IN A REVEIWW!!**

**Hope you like this chapter!!**

**The pony laid the egg theory … copyrighted by Bethhumms TM.**

**Please reviewww and tell me what you thought of this reallyyyy short chapter!!**

**Review and Emmett shall give you an Elf named Barry.**


	29. Mike's Prank

**Thanks for all the ideas!! And all the reviews!! *Emmett hands out Elves named Barry to all reviewers***

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EMMETT POV

"Now – Jazzie-Mix …. The green paint?" I asked and Jasper nodded.

I turned to Alice.

"Pixie…. The toilet paper wig?" I asked and she nodded.

I turned to Rose.

"The paintball guns?" I asked and she nodded also.

"Hey why do we have dumb nicknames and Rose doesn't?" Jasper asked and Rose smiled smugly.

"DID I ORDER YOU TO SPEAK JAZZIE-MIX?" I yelled and Jasper shook his head and shrank back into the shadows of the forest behind Mike's house.

"Thought not" I whisper-yelled and turned to Edward.

"Eddie …. The feathers?" I asked and he nodded and indicated to a huge sack full of feathers.

Then I turned Bella.

"Human? The camera?" I asked and she nodded rolling her eyes.

"Ok then. MARCH!" I said and they all stood there staring at me.

When I had said march.

"I SAID MARCH. LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT" I yelled and Jasper ran to Mike's house followed by Alice. Then Bella and Eddie. Then Rose.

And I followed last.

We went in to Mike's pink room. YES. PINK. WITH BARBIE WALLPAPER.

And watched him sleeping.

With a Barbie doll.

I tried not to laugh and spread the green paint all over his freakish face.

He rolled over and Alice glued the toilet paper wig to his head.

Bella collapsed in fits of laughter and I soon followed.

Mike woke up and screamed.

"IM BEING STALKED!!!!" he yelled and started crying like a baby.

We all jumped out of the window and hid in the trees, ready for part two.

BELLA POV

They all left and I stood there.

"Bella?" Mike asked through the tears and I nodded.

"Mike….. Go outside to the garden." I said and he obeyed.

JASPER POV

Mike emerged from the house and stood in the garden.

Bella came running into the trees.

Literally.

Running INTO the trees.

Emmett laughed and Edward hit him while he caught Bella and stopped her from running into any more trees.

Mike stood there looking round and I yelled "FIRE!" and a dozen paintballs hit Mike and he just stood there. Motionless.

I hit him with paint again.

And again.

And again.

Emmett had had enough so he got the bag of feathers and poured them over his head.

The feathers stuck to the paint and made him look like a chicken.

Emmett randomly started singing 'the cow jumped over the moon.'

God he's a freak.

Bella took the picture and we ran of back home.

Alice printed exactly 200 copies of the picture of Mike with a green face, toilet paper hair, and covered in feathers.

Jasper and Rose ran round Forks and stuck the pictures and as the sun came up, the whole of Forks could see Mike Newton as a green chicken with toilet paper hair.

And in Barbie pyjamas.

At school we saw him sitting alone.

With his head in his hands.

Bella bit her lip.

"Don't you think it was a little mean?" she asked and I laughed.

"NO!" we all shouted and a few randomers turned to stare at us.

Oh well.

WE ARE THE MIGHTY CULLENS.

NOTHING CAN STOP US FROM WORLD DOMMINATION.

Apart from Cookie the rabbit.

And the Volturi.

Stupid Italian Mafia Vampires.

**Please review!**

**Thanks to everyone for the ideas for this chapter!!**

**I have an idea for the next chapter ….. But it's REALLY random!!**

**I'll probably update more often 'cuz its half term and I got a week of school.**

**Anywayy … please review and you get a pack of Skittles!!**


	30. Disney Land!

**Thanks for all the reviewers!!**

**Here's the next chapter – WARNING! This is very random!!**

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ALICE POV

It was there in the garden that it happened.

Emmett said something smart.

I know.

I am shocked to the core too.

"Hey Alice, There are 7 colours in the rainbow right?" he said.

**(There is seven right?!)**

I mean for any other person it would have been dumb but for Emmett it was incredibly smart.

I stared at him gob-smacked.

"OMC! EMMETT SAID SOMETHING SMART!!!" Jasper said – stopping beating up the cooker for only a second in surprise.

"What?!" Edward said and Bella looked round looking terrified.

"Who is he ? Is there something wrong with him? WHERE'S CARLISLE?!" Rose yelled and Emmett laughed.

"Wow. Those drugs must have worked after all." He marvelled and then ran to Carlisle's study.

"BUT PIGEONS STILL CAW!" he shouted and Rose sighed in relief.

"Ahh. Emmett's back." She said and I laughed.

"HEY GUYS!!!" Emmett shouted and we all went into Carlisle's study where he was sat behind the desk.

"We are going to Disney Land." He announced.

"Aw Emmett!" Rose whined and he shrugged.

"He is kinda right …." Jasper said and I hit him on the arm. Hard.

"Sheesh Alice. Only speaking my mind." He muttered and Rose glared at him.

"He has got a point …" Edward said and Bella sighed.

"EDWARD!" we all yelled.

"God." He muttered and Emmett jumped on Carlisle's desk.

"DON'T TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN GENERAL MCMIND READER!!" he yelled and Jasper sighed.

"I thought we left those nicknames in Ireland." He muttered.

Emmett went on the computer and ordered tickets to Disney Land.

We all reluctantly got on the plane and when we arrived Emmett was more ecstatic than all the kids in America put together.

"OMG!! IT'S MICKEY MOUSE!!!!! OMG THERE'S CINDERELLA!! SHE'S SO PRETTY-" he yelled but stopped when Rose cut him of with one of her death glares.

"Not as pretty as you Rosie!!" he said and she sighed and walked of.

"OMG!! IT'S MY IDOL!" he screamed and we looked at where he was pointing and there stood …. Snow Freaking White.

Snow White is Emmett McCarty Cullen's idol.

I am ashamed to know him. Seriously.

"Hey listen kid. Aren't you a little old to be running round here?" one of the security guard's said.

"WHAT? I MAY NOT BE A CHILD HERE" he said and pointed to his body "BUT I'M A CHILD HERE!" he yelled and pointed to his un-beating heart.

Rose calmly walked away with Jasper and Edward following.

Bella was staring at the huge castle.

"IT'S THE VOLTURI CASTLE! THEY'VE COME TO EAT ME! AT DISNEY LAND! NOOOOOO! ALICE SAVE ME! THROW YOUR NEW JIMMY CHOO'S AT THEMMMMM!!" she screamed and I stared at her in horror.

"THESE JIMMY CHOO'S ARE BRAND NEW! AND IT'S NOT THE VOLTURI! IF IT WAS YOU'D BE DEA- oh hi!!" I said and said hi to a randomers when they started staring.

I looked round and Rose was trying to get Emmett away from the hook-a-ducks because 'the duck was his best friend and it was called Helen.' And Edward was attempting to get Bella out from under a barrel where she had hid when she thought the Volturi were coming for her.

And Jasper … he was arguing.

With some randomers.

About the civil war.

Typical. Why am I not surprised?

"THE SOUTH ROCKS!" Jasper yelled in one guy's face.

"NO THEY DON'T! THE CONFEDERACY IS RUBBISH!" the guy yelled back and Jasper walked away.

"I WANT CORN ON THE COB!" Emmett screamed.

"Emmett they don't sell corn on the cob." Rose said while trying to pull him away from a hot dog stand.

"Listen kid – this is a HOT DOG STAND. We don't sell corn on the cob." The counter guy said and Emmett pretended to cry.

"Fine. I shall take my business elsewhere. C'mon Rose!" he said and dragged Rose away while she mouthed an apology and the guy stared at her.

"LET'S GET REVENGE!" Emmett screamed and Jasper nodded.

They both ran off laughing manically.

I could only dread to think what they were planning.

In Disney Land.

Emmett and Jasper's revenge in Disney Land.

Oh god.

Lord of Skittles help me.

I looked round and blocked out everything when I heard Emmett yell "I DON'T GIVE A PIGEON WHAT YOU THINK!" and Jasper say "Hey Emmett look! It's a worm! A worm!"

Oh man were they in trouble.

**Hey please review!**

**You can be my best fwendd!**


	31. We have a LLAMA!

**Hey thanks for all the reviews! I would mention all of you guys but it would take forever! So yeah … if you reviewed: Thanks!!**

**Anyway on with the story!!**

JASPER POV

"Emmett…why the pink elephant suit?" I asked when he had finished raiding Disney Land's costume store. **(Does Disney Land have a costume store? Let's pretend they do okay?!)**

"ELEPHANTS ROCK OKAY?" Emmett yelled from deep inside the humongous elephant suit.

"Now … Revenge!" he said and we laughed manically.

.

We crept up to the hot dog stand and Emmett ordered 30 hot dogs.

"Here you go sir" the guy said and Emmett took the hot dogs and one by one threw them at the hot dog guy.

"No. I have decided I want corn on the cob!" he yelled and realization hit the hot dog guy's face.

"You're that kid from yesterday aren't you! The one that wanted corn on the cob! With that blonde…" the hot dog guy said staring into space.

"THAT'S MY ROSIE!!!!" Emmett yelled from inside the elephant suit and he ran of with me following.

"Now Jazz-Pigeon, time for your revenge dear fellow" he said and I crept up to the guy on the teacup ride that said I was too old.

Oh how right he was. More right than he'll ever freaking know!

"You!!" I yelled and the teacup guy turned round.

"Hey listen kid – I told you yesterday, you're too old for this ride" he said and Emmett put his hand on my shoulder.

"Is one ever too old for the jolly teacup ride my dear sir?" Emmett said, faking a British accent. In an elephant suit.

"Well kid, he is too old." Teacup guy said pointing at me.

"DO I KNOW YOU?" I yelled and teacup guy shook his head.

"Were you related to a duck?" Emmett said seriously. I wonder how he keeps a straight face ….

The teacup guy laughed and I pushed him in a passing tea cup.

"YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THE TEACUPS!" I yelled and increased the speed while Emmett spinned the tea cup faster than a roller coaster.

We ran off and stood at the gate. Rosalie, Alice, Bella, and Edward all looked kinda mad.

They dragged us of to the airport without even a goodbye to Disney Land! The shame.

EMMETT POV

We boarded the plane and headed back to boring old Forks. But I will never forget my Disney days.

Hey that's cool! Disney Days! Wow. It's … it's one of those things that start with the same letter. I don't know what it's called. But I noticed that they both begin with the letter D so … I AM SMART AFTER ALL!!

In the morning Alice got Bella up to get her ready CoughTortureCough.

We went to school and I walked into science with Alice and Jasper, and saw some old guy stood there.

We had one of those supply teachers.

"Now children!" the supply teacher said. It said on the board that his name was Mr. Atherton.

"CHILDREN!" he yelled and Jasper and I laughed while Alice rolled her eyes.

"Now children, get your exercise books –" he said but I cut him of.

"BOOKS DON'T EXERCISE!" I yelled.

"Excuse me but please be quiet so I can give you your instructions." He said and I smiled.

"Of course Mr. Sir Man." I said innocently.

"Somebody hand out the text books. You will be working on page 43." He said and I asked my question again.

"SIR! HOW DO BOOKS EXERCISE?" I yelled and he sighed and walked over to my desk.

"Listen, books do not exercise now shut up and get on with the work!" he hissed and I pretended to be hurt.

"SHUT UP? THAT IS AGAINT THE LAW!" I yelled and he looks shocked.

I stormed out yelling "STOP JUDJING MEE!" **(Stop judging me copyrighted by Bethhumms)**

I walked outside and pressed my face against the window where I could see the classroom.

I knocked on the glass and pulled my tongue at the teacher.

I walked back inside and said: "THE EGG CAME FIRST! THE PNY LAID IT!"

The supply simple looked at me and said: "Don't me stupid."

"DON'T DOUBT MEEE!" I yelled and ran to hide under my desk.

"I HAVE A PET LLAMA!! NAMED BOB! BOB COMING FROM BOBCUS WITCH ORIGINATES FROM THE TERM LLAMA!" I randomly yelled out and the class laughed while Alice and Jasper buried their head in their hands.

The bell rang and as I walked out I swear I heard the teacher mutter "Thank God"

We walked into the cafeteria and Bella, Edward and Rosalie were already there.

Rose hit me on the head when I sat down.

"You idiot. Now the whole freaking school thinks we have a llama named Bob!!" she hissed and Mike and Jessica came up to our table.

"Hey guys. Edward, Bella, Rosaline, Jack, Alicia, Emmett" he said to each of us.

"IT'S ROSALIE!" Rose yelled.

"IT'S JASPER!" Jasper yelled.

"IT'S ALICE!" Alice yelled.

"Yeah sorry guys. Hey do you have a llama?" Jessica asked and Rose stood up and yelled: "NO WE DO NOT HAVE A LLAMA!!"

Jessica and Mike scurried away.

Oh I like the word scurry.

Scurry like mice.

SCURRY!!!

Rose stormed of followed by Alice.

"Thinking we have a llama!" I heard Alice mutter.

**Beth, Charis. The supply teacher. The book. Beth – PAGE FORTY THREE!**

**Charis; 'What? Books don't exercise!'**

**Yes anyway – please review!! Review please because I have a really kinda random idea.**

**Sorry the revenge at Disney Land was rubbish.**

**But I haven't been to Disney Land since I was six so I kinda forgot what it's like over the past seven years!!**

**Anywayyy – please review!**


	32. More Pranks? With the parents!

**Heyy sorry for not updating **

**I don't know weather to just end this story in the next few chapters or so …..**

**Anyway – Here's the next chapter.**

ROSALIE POV

We got home – after being followed by a couple of idiotic humans that believed we had a llama – and Emmett ran to the T.V.

Jasper stalked into the kitchen and we heard the banging of metal moments later.

Bella went to sleep on the sofa. Yeah she just literally collapsed and Edward was running round like a headless chicken because he thought she was dead. Good God how many times does he watch her sleep? And then when she falls asleep on the sofa he thinks she's dead. God my family is messed up.

Yeah anyway, Alice went upstairs to go on the computer because apparently she had made a family on The Sims and 'one of the Sims was going to die if she didn't feed it'.

So I sat down and watched Emmett cheer at the baseball game on the T.V.

"OH MAN! C'MON! I COULD HIT THE BALL FURTHER THAN THAT! GOOD GOD WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE?" Emmett yelled and I sighed.

"Emmett, of course you could hit it further. You can walk through freaking GLASS WALLS for God's sake."

He sighed and turned his attention back to the TV.

The phone rang and its sudden noise woke Bella up.

"WHAT? WHERE'S THE FIRE?" she screamed and got up and started running – but Bella being Bella, she tripped over a cushion that Edward had threw on the floor with the whole Oh-No-Bella-Is-Dead episode.

"Sheesh Bella it's just the phone." I said but she was already asleep on the grey carpet.

"Should we put her on the sofa?" Emmett asked and I shook my head.

"She is happy where she is. If she wasn't she'd move." I shrugged and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" I answered and I heard Esme's wary voice come down the phone.

"Rose, we are coming home now. The house better be tidy!".

"Yeah yeah it is …tidy." I said looking round.

The house was far from tidy.

"Ok. We'll be there in about 20 minuets." She said and put the phone down.

"ALICE, EDWARD, JASPER, GET IN HERE! ESME AND CARLISLE ARE COMING BACK! THE HOUSE IS A FREAKING MESS! JASPER, TIDY THE KITCHEN, EDWARD TAKE BELLA UPSTAIRS AND TIDY THE SECOND FLOOR, ALICE TIDY THE THIRD FLOOR, EMMETT MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO HUMANS OUTSIDE CHECKIGN IF WE HAVE A LLAMA AND THEN GET YOUR VAMPIRE BUTT IN HERE AND CLEAN THE FLOOR AND THE SOFA." I yelled and they all got to work.

Emmett ran outside while we could hear Jasper banging things back into shape in the kitchen.

I could hear Alice running round the third floor while I got the glass cleaner and cleaned the glass table and the window wall.

Edward ran downstairs, picked up Bella and went back upstairs to tidy up.

Alice came running down the stairs and picked up her dozens of bags by the door.

"Alice, how many clothes did you BUY?" Jasper asked and Alice smiled and ran upstairs.

I threw the polish to Jasper.

"Jazz, clean the TV and your play station!" I said and ran outside to the garage to make sure the cars were tidy.

There was a huge puddle of acid still on the floor so I cleaned that up and then waxed all the cars until they were so shiny they reflected the garage back like a mirror.

I ran back inside and Alice was straightening the curtains and re-arranging the flowers in the vases while Jasper was re-cleaning the pans in the kitchen while Edward was polishing his piano while Emmett was scrubbing at the sofa with soap to try and get all the mud off.

I sighed and ran to Carlisle's study.

There were books EVERYWHERE from when Emmett had thought he was smart and the drug cabinet was open and there were no more drugs left.

I ran out and grabbed my car keys.

"GoingToBuyCarlisleMoreDrugsBackInASec" I called.

**(Going to buy Carlisle more drugs back in a sec)**

I drove to the nearest shop, bought all the drugs they had and put them in Carlisle's drug cabinet when we got home.

I ran back downstairs and Emmett was drying the sofa of with Alice's hairdryer while Jasper was scrubbing at the grey carpet to get it back to its former white state.

I sighed and ran back outside to water Esme's plants.

I went into the kitchen when I had finished and I was surprised that it was actually ... _tidy._

I ran up to Emmett's and my room and walked inside.

I opened all the windows and went into the closet.

I put all the clothes back on their racks and went into Carlisle and Esme's room.

I opened the windows in there too – to get some fresh air in the goddamn house.

A blur went past me spraying air freshener and the damn air freshener went in my eye.

"ALICE!" I yelled and the blur stopped and grinned at me.

I looked at the clock, we had about five minuets so I ran downstairs and Emmett was sat on the sofa, as was Jasper and Edward was playing the piano.

Alice ran downstairs and sat on the sofa.

Bella woke up and walked slowly down the stairs. Alice pushed her back up the stairs.

"No way! You are NOT wearing that. I got you some new clothes. You will LOVE them!" Alice said and dragged her by the wrist up the stairs.

A few minuets later Bella and Alice came down the stairs and the sun shot the window wall, making the clean surfaces of the house sparkle.

We stayed out of the sunny area and Emmett turned the TV on.

Bella and Edward sat at his piano while Emmett and Jasper played on Jasper's new play station.

Me and Alice grabbed a random Vogue magazine and sat reading it, commenting on all the dresses.

We heard Carlisle and Esme run up the drive and we all held our breath, apart from Bella of course.

Esme walked in and smiled.

"My house is tidy." She murmured and Emmett laughed.

Carlisle wore the same gob smacked expression as Esme.

We all laughed.

"Now, what did you guys do?" Carlisle said and Alice ran into her room and came back moments later holding a picture of Mike Newton with the green paint, Barbie pyjamas etc.

Esme laughed and so did Carlisle.

"Now that would have been a funny prank. But we could do better" Carlisle said and Emmett stared in shock.

"Now kids, who do you want to prank?" Esme said mischievously.

Now it was our turn to be gob smacked.

"Jessica!" I said and everyone nodded.

Carlisle and Esme sat down.

"Now, this will be a prank!" Carlisle said and he laughed like an evil genius.

Esme ran upstairs and got some paper and started drawing blue prints for a prank.

Blueprints.

Oh god.

Emmett's pranks are bad enough …. But Carlisle and Esme, I dread to think what prank they'll come up with!

**Hope you liked it!**

**I felt like adding Carlisle and Esme. Don't worry – They'll find out what their LOVELY vampire children got up to when they were away in the next chapter. Pleaseee review – I don't know weather to just end this story in the next chapter.**

**Anyway – please review and you get a pack of Haribo!**


	33. Jessica's prank, and the emo corner war

**Thanks for all the reviews – here's the next chapter.**

ALICE POV

"ALICEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Bella yelled and I ran downstairs to see her hiding behind a confused Emmett.

Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme Jasper and Edward had gone hunting before the prank on Jessica and they had left me and Emmett in charge of the human.

"What Bella?" I asked and she sighed.

"THE SNOW IS GOING TO KILL ME!" she screamed and Emmett laughed.

"The snow?" Emmett asked and she nodded.

"The snow, the snow, the snow!" she whimpered and I looked outside the window where the sky was cloudy and ….. nothing was falling from the sky. Not even rain.

"Um Bella…. There is no snow." I said slowly pointing to the sky.

"YES THERE IS! ALICE YOUR BLIND! THERE IS SNOW! IT'S GONNA EAT ME! THIS IS NOT FAIR! IM TO YOUNG TO DIE! EMMETT SAVE ME!" she yelled and Emmett ran and hid behind the sofa.

"SORRY BELLAAAA! IF THE SNOW CAN EAT YOU THEN ….. IT WILL KILL ME ALSO! I MUST SAVE MYSELF AND JIM THE LAMPOST! JIM IS OUTISDE ON HIS OWN! THE SNOW WILL EAT HIM AND I SHALL NEVER SEE HM AGAIN!" He yelled and started to sob.

Rosalie and the rest of the family came in then and looked rather disturbed.

"EDDIEEEEEEEEE! THE SNOW WILL EAT MEEEEEEEEEE!" Bella yelled and Edward looked terrified.

"ROSIEEEE! THE SNOW! THE SNOW WILL EAT JIM THE LAMPOST! WE SHALL ALL DIE!" He screamed and Rosalie backed away slowly.

"ALRIGHT!" Carlisle shouted and Bella stopped crying and Emmett stopped banging his head on the sofa.

"Now, for this prank on Jessica….." Carlisle said and Jasper laughed evilly.

JESSICA POV

I was sat outside reading a magazine when I heard the leaves rustling.

"I AM DRACULAAAAA! I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" someone yelled from in the tree.

I screamed and ran inside but I heard tapping against my window.

I looked out and saw Bella stood there.

"Bella? What are you doing here?" I asked and she almost ran into my house.

BELLA POV

I walked quickly inside her house and winked at Edward and Alice who were hiding behind the tree that Emmett was hiding in.

"Jessica this is going to sound SO crazy but I swear I was walking through the forest and I swear I saw something crouched over a dead deer! It looked up and it had …. It had blood round its mouth Jess!" I said and started to fake cry.

"Bella…. I heard something in the tree outside a minute before you came!" she said and I tried not to laugh.

"No! You can't be serious!" I said and she nodded.

I looked outside with a scared expression on my face and saw Emmett put his thumbs up at me from the tree.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I answered it and put it on loudspeaker.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"Carlisle?" I said pretending to be surprised.

"Bella where are you?" he said and I told him I was at Jessica's house.

"Bella don't come out of the house. This may sound crazy but there have been reports of vampire attacks. I know you may not believe me but we have had four deaths today at the hospital because of these attacks. Please do NOT go out alone!" he said and I looked at Jessica who looked like she was about to faint.

There was a knock at the door and Jessica literally jumped out of her skin.

I looked out and saw Emmett and Jasper.

"I'll get it." I said and Jessica nodded shakily.

"Good job Bella. She's terrified!" Jasper said and he hi-5'd me.

"I think we better stop now. She might just die of terror." Emmett said and I nodded.

"Listen Jess, Emmett and Jasper are here. Im going home now 'kay?" I said and she nodded.

I got out to the car and we all laughed.

"Don't you guys think that was a bit mean?" I said and they all shook there heads.

We got back and Alice silently handed me a pack of skittles.

I grinned at her and sat down.

JASPER POV

"NO ROSIE NO!" Emmett yelled and Rose came down the stairs with a rock.

"Emmett it's a goddamn ROCK." She said and threw it out of the window.

Emmett ran into my emo corner and started to dry sob.

"THAT'S MY EMO CORNER!" I yelled and Emmett looked up.

"NOT ANY MORE EMO KID!" he yelled and I growled.

"GET. OUT!" I yelled.

"NU-UH ROSE TOOK MY PET ROCK" he protested and I raised my eyebrows.

"I DESERVE AN EMO CORNER!" he continued.

"WELL FIND ANOTHER! THAT'S MY EMO CORNER!" I protested and he lunged at me.

I growled and he smirked.

"Arm wrestling?" he asked and I nodded.

"Bring it." I said confidently and he snorted.

Esme didn't look up even ONCE from her decoration magazine.

Nice to know we have a caring mother.

**Did you like it?**

**Emmett gets scared of Santa Claus in the next chapter so …. Please review!!**


	34. Barry the Elf! Santa? In MARCH!

**Hii sorry I haven't updated in ages but my computer had been being dodgy. But it's sorted noww x Anywayy here's the next chapter.**

Esme POV

"NO! EMMETT THAT'S CHEATING!"

"NO IT'S NOT! _THAT_ IS CHEATING!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! I WON AND YOU LOST. DEAL WITH IT EMMETT!"

"NO YOU LOST! IT'S MY XBOX SO _I_ WON!"

"IT'S NOT THE XBOX! IT'S _MY_ PLAYSTATION! SO I WON!"

"WELL I BOUGHT YOU THE PLAYSTATION FOR … YOUR BIRTHDAY! SO I WON."

"WHAT BIRTHDAY? I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THIS WITH MY OWN MONEY!"

"THE MONEY I GAVE YOU!"

"YOU GAVE ME NO FREAKING MONEY!"

"YES I DID JASPER."

"LIAR EMMETT LIAR."

"I TELL ONLY THE TRUTH."

"LIIIIIIIAAAARRRR!"

I probably should have gone in the living room and sorted out Emmett and Jasper's argument but I really couldn't be bothered.

I heard more yelling and the kitchen wall fell down.

"ESME! TELL JASPER THAT I WON!"

"NO ESME TELL EMMETT THAT HE CHEATED SO I WON!"

They yelled and I threw the pan that I was cleaning on the floor where it cracked and shattered into a million fragments.

"BOTH OF YOU! JASPER, GET IN YOUR EMO CORNER. EMMETT, GO TO YOUR ROOM. NEITHER OF YOU ARE PLAYING ON THAT GODDAMN PLAYSTATION OR XBOX OR WHATEVER IT IS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK. I AM SICK OF YOU TWO ARGUING. NOW GO." I yelled and they stalked out pouting.

It was later on in the day when we heard screaming from the roof.

The whole family went outside and saw Emmett with a 'Santa don't stop here' sign.

"EMMETT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Rosalie yelled.

"I'M SCARING OF SANTA. HE STALKS PEOPLE. I HAVE PROOF!" Emmett yelled and Rose shook her head.

"Proof?" Jasper said to Alice and she shrugged.

Bella looked and Emmett like he was crazy and Edward was trying not to laugh.

"YES PROOF GENERAL JAZZ-CHEATER. LISTEN: HE SEE'S YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING – WATCH OUT BELLA. SANTA WATCHES YOU SLEEP. OMG,ITS EDWARD!" Emmett laughed and Edward growled.

"HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE." Emmett continued.

"HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE." He continued to yell, even though we could hear him perfectly if he whispered. Well apart from Bella.

"Emmett, why are you scaring of Santa in MARCH?" Carlisle asked Emmett and he shrugged.

"I'm making sure Santa get's the message early so he doesn't come anywhere near us vamps and human." He said and jumped down from the roof.

"Get the message early? Emmett, you freak." Edward said and Emmett pretended to cry.

"Stop crying now, or Santa won't bring you a present" Edward said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face.

"NOOOO! SANTA NOO! SANTA IS EVIL! NOO EDDIE DON'T MAKE HIM COME HERE!" He yelled and Edward laughed while Emmett ran inside.

A few hours later I heard banging from the front door.

Emmett was barricading us in.

"Emmett what the HELL are you doing to my house?" I asked and he looked at me with a fear stricken face.

"Santa is coming" he whispered, dropped the hammer he was using to nail planks of wood to the door, and ran through the house screaming, and locked himself in the basement.

He came running out a second later.

"I FORGOT BARRY THE ELF!" He yelled and ran upstairs and retrieved a stuffed elf toy.

He ran back down to the basement and locked himself in.

I give up at times. Honestly I do.

**Sorry this chapter was so short! I had a longer version of this chapter, it was about five pages long but my computer was being dodgy and I lost it all. I also had loads of other new chapters for my other stories that were lost too. Plus I lost ALL of my new story that I wanted to upload today, but now I can't. Just my luck.**

**Anywayy, please update and make me feel better =D xx**


	35. Waffles and MORE Pranks!

**Sorry for the long update, this chapter is a little short.**

**Anyway, please review.**

**x**

Emmett POV

"EVERYONE – I HAVE NEWS TO SHARE!!" I yelled and the family and Bella gathered in the living room.

"I AM GOING EXTRA VEGETARIAN!" I yelled and they all looked at me funny.

"What the hell Emmett?" Edward asked.

"I am turning Grass-tarian." I announced.

"Grass-tarian?"Bella said.

"I am going to eat grass." I explained.

"Grass." Esme repeated.

"Grass – just as filling without the killing!" I announced proudly.

Rosalie POV

"Emmett, you need help. Honestly, this is beyond the boundary of crazy." I said and he grinned like a mad man.

Scratch that, he IS a mad man.

He ran out of the house and everyone went back to doing whatever they were doing before.

It was a few hours later that I hears the commotion.

"NO! EDWARD! GIVE. ME. THEM. BACK!" Bella screamed and Edward shook his head.

"Emmett, you know what she get's like when you give her skittles!" He moaned and Emmett smiled evilly.

"I know, my brother, I know"

Emmett POV

"OI! EMMETT!" Jasper yelled.

"Yes, Oh wise brother of mine." I called and he appeared by my side.

"Stop being an idiot. C'mon, we're going to the bookstore." He said and I smiled.

I got in the car and the radio was on.

The woman was asking people to phone in.

I took out my phone and dialled the number she had just announced.

"WHAT ARE YOUR VEIWS ON WAFFLES AND GLOBAL WARMING HUMAN?" I screamed and put the phone down.

Jasper was laughing.

"Emmett you idiot! You said that on live radio!" He said and I hi-5'd him.

When we got to the book store Jasper screamed and hugged a civil war book.

I was browsing when I saw …

The Ultimate Pranksters Prank Book.

I picked it up and bought it.

On the way home Jasper was multi-tasking, driving and reading his one of his fourteen new civil war books.

When we got home Edward and Bella ran out of the house.

Well Edward ran, Bella crawled on the floor as she fell down the steps.

"EDWARD CULLEN! ISABELLA SWAN! Oh Hi Jasper!" Alice yelled as she ran past us chasing the runaways.

"Alice please no! Have mercy! Please!" Edward begged as Alice approached him, brandishing lip gloss.

Alice attacked him and Edward got up of the floor.

I got the camera from the car and snapped a picture.

"Man this is going on Google!" I said and cackled.

"Emmett, what the hell?" Edward asked.

"What? I laughed like an evil scientist."

"Freak." He muttered.

"I'm not the one with lip gloss on my face am I? You know Edward; we would all respect you being gay if you told us." **(NO OFFENCE!)**

"I AM NOT GAY!" He yelled and stormed into the house.

Bella got up of the floor and crawled to the house.

"WHAT? MY GOD, ALL I WANT IS SKITTLES!" She screamed when we looked at her.

I shrugged and looked at the prank book.

Oh the joys I would have.

And first to prank, Lip-Gloss boy, sorry, _Edward._

**Sorry I haven't updated in ages! I'm gonna try and update quicker though =ED**

**Please review x**


	36. I Built it, from wood sticks & duct tape

**Haii ^^**

**This is Mizzfit48's idea!**

**Thanks for all the reviews!!**

Emmett POV  
How to prank Eddie boy?

I walked past the kitchen and saw one of those red things … the round ones.

APPLE!

That's it!

I picked it up, ignoring the smell.

I decided to call it , because the name Bobcus is awesome. Like pigeons. Awesome like pigeons. Ah, I crack myself up! I need superglue. Get it? I crack myself up? Superglue? Cracks? Superglue fixes cracks?

Anyway, I was walking round with Mr. Bobcus when I saw a rubber ducky.

I smirked evilly and began to sing Shake It by Metro Station in my head.

I went up to Edward's room and saw Bella sleeping and Edward Lip-gloss Face sat creating a new song.

I threw in the rubber duck and pulled the voice changer out of my pocket.

I had recorded Alice's voice the other day and now I spoke into the voice changer, my voice sounding like the annoying pixie.

"Edwarddd! You need more lip gloss!" I chanted and Edward shrieked and hid under the bed.

I pushed the rubber duck further into the room and smiled.

"I am a rubber duckie Edward!" I said, my voice still sounding like the pixie.

"Emmett!" He said and I cursed.

"Dammit!" I muttered and Edward came out and pushed me down the stairs.

"MURDER!" I screeched.

"YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!" He screamed and I looked to Esme but she shook her head and ignored me.

I got up and stalked into the kitchen.

I was looking through the cupboards when I saw one of those potato things.

It was looking deformed and lonely so I paired it up with Mr. Bobcus.

I decided to name the potato Ms. LocaKetchup.

"Hey Edward! Look!" I said and he walked down the stairs and turned round when he saw the apple and potato.

I drew a face on the apple – with fangs- and the same on the potato – with fangs- but o the potato, I ran upstairs and cut some of the bristles of Alice's blusher brush and used them as a wig.

"EMMETT!" She screamed and I ran down to the basement.

"It wasn't me! It was !" I said in my defence and she shook her head and banged on the door.

"Um … go away! I'm in the shower!" Beat that, dumb pixie.

"There is no shower in the basement."

Dammit.

"Well … I built a shower! From wood and sticks and … Duct tape!" I protested.

"Does Esme know?" She said and I cursed.

"Aliceee!" I moaned and sat against the door, so she couldn't get in.

"Emmetttttt!"

I sighed.

"What do you want pixie? What did I ever do to you?" I asked innocently.

"You ruined my make up supplies!"

"Ms. LocaKetchup needed a wig!"

"YOU RUINED MY MAKE UP BRUSH TO MAKE A POTATO A WIG? OH YOU ARE DEAD. AND DON'T YOU DARE COME UP WITH THE WHOLE _'IM_ _ALREADY DEAD'_ THING. I SWEAR WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THERE I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU. AND WHEN I TELL ROSE SHE PROBABLY WILL TOO! I SWEAR TO GOD EMMETT! YOU MADE A WIG FOR A _POTATO_? WHERE IS IT? I AM GONNA MAKE MASHED POTATO FOR BELLA WITH IT. SHE CAN EAT IT. TO DESTROY THE EVIDENCE THAT I _MUDERED_ IT!"

**Please review and tell me what you thought!**


	37. Thats life, brother dear

**Here's the next chapter!! P.S this chapter includes Carlisle the bear, if this bear has escaped your memory I shall remind you: the Cullen's went to the Build-a-bear workshop and Emmett saw a surgeons outfit. He bought a bear, dressed it in this outfit and named it Carlisle. Re-read chapter 18 for a FULL recap!!!**

**=D**

**Please review!!**

Rosalie POV

I walked into Emmett's and my room and I looked round.

The bed had been pushed over by the window and my dressing table was covered in all clothes imaginable.

I guessed Alice was re-decorating her closet, but then I saw the Gucci bots, and the Prada bag, and last seasons Chanelle purse lying on the pile of clothes.

Of course these were MINE.

I walked into my closet to see exactly WHY my clothes and boots and god knows whatever else were lying on my dressing table.

I saw candles lit everywhere and roses and all sorts of flowers lying on soft silk cushions.

Calming music was playing and a small air freshener was plugged into the plug socket in the wall.

All the shelves were covered in candles and flowers and the occasional lamp.

My breath caught in my throat and I thought Emmett had done all of this for ME.

But, as I walked around the huge shelves and racks, I saw a table covered in a gold cloth. With that stupid PRANK BOOK on.

A sign was above the prank book that read:

Worship the holy Ultimate Pranksters Prank Book.

_Rules of Pranksters Worship Place -thing._

_Always respect the prank book._

_Never EVER regret past pranks_

_ALWAYS wash hands and wear golden gloves before touching prank book_

_Always make sure to prank Lip Gloss Boy AKA Edward._

_Take shoes of, do not ruin the amazing floor of the pranksters_

_Please note: TO JOIN PRANKSTERS UINITED YOU MUST HAVE COMPLETED AT LEAST 44 PRANKS SUCCSEFULLY, HAVE AT LEAST ONE COPY OF THE HOLY BOOK ULTIMATE PRANKSTERS PRANK BOOK, AND YOU MUST PAY $100._

I screamed and ran toward that damn book.

I ripped it into tiny shreds.

"EMMETT! I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY CLOSET FOR A BOOK. GO TO HELL. DO NOT TALK TO ME. I CAN NOT BELIVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS THIS! DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!" I screamed and Emmett ran into the room as I was walking out, the scraps of the book in my hand.

"Rosie, Rose where are you going?" He asked and I smirked.

"To the river." I said and ran there at super-human speed.

I threw all the pieces of the book in the river and he jumped in after them.

"Who are you? You monster!" He said and I grimaced.

"Go to hell Emmett Cullen"

"I'm already there, without my prank book."

"YOU CARE ABOUT THAT DAMN BOOK MORE THAN ME!" I screamed and he disappeared under the water.

I walked back to the house growling and muttering under my breath.

"Whats up Rose?" Carlisle asked when I walked in and I sat on the sofa next to him.

"Emmett … Stupid book." I muttered and he nodded.

"I see."

Then Emmett walked in.

"Talk of the devil …" I muttered.

"CARLISLE! MY FATHER! I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT FROM IRELAND!" He yelled.

Great.

Now we were freaking well in for it.

Jasper looked from the play station and glared at Emmett, as did I.

"You went to Ireland Emmett?" Carlisle said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah! And I bought you a present!" Em continued and ran upstairs and come back down with Carlisle the bear.

Still in the surgeons outfit.

"I thought we left that in Ireland!" Jasper whispered to me.

"I thought we left it in McDonalds when Em started asking for a McGrizzly burger!" I muttered back.

"You went to Ireland." Carlisle stated, looking at the bear.

"Yeah! And we got you Carlisle Jr. the bear!" Em said like a little kid.

"Carlisle Jr.?" Jasper asked and Em nodded.

"I thought it was just Carlisle." I said and Em shook his head back and forth so fast it was almost comical.

"And WHY did you go to IRELAND?" Carlisle said, getting mad.

"EMMETTANDJASPERKIDNAPPEDBELLAANDTOOKHERTOIRELAND! ALICE,EDWARDANDIHEARDTHATEMWASBEINGCRAZYSOWEFLEWOUTTORESCUEBELLABUTWENEEDEDSOME…FOOD! FORBELLASOWEWENTTOTHEMALLANDEMMETTSAWTHEBUILD-A-BEARWORKSHOPANDMADEABEARANDTHENBELLAWENTTOMCDONALDSANDEMMETTASKEDFORMCGRIZZLYBURGERORMCMOUNTAINLIONANDTHENHETHREWCHIPSATJASPERANDATEDWARDANDTHENEDDIETHREWPEPSIATEMMETTANDEMTHREWCARLISLETHEBEARATEDDIEANDTHENRANOUT!" I said and Jasper and Emmett glared at me.

**(Translation: Emmett at Jasper kidnapped Bella and took her to Ireland! Alice, Edward and I heard that Em was being crazy so we flew over to rescue Bella but we needed some … Food! For Bella so we went to the mall and Emmett saw the Build-a-bear workshop and made a bear and then Bella went to McDonald's and Emmett asked for McGrizzly burger or mcmountain lion and then he threw chips at Jasper and at Edward and then Eddie threw Pepsi at Emmett and Emmett threw Carlisle the bear and Eddie then ran out!)**

"Is that so?" Carlisle asked through clenched teeth.

"Traitor!" Jasper whispered and I shrugged.

"That's life, brother dear."

"What Carlisle?" Esme said, coming through the front door after planting more flowers in the garden.

"The kids went to Ireland. Did you know that?" Carlisle explained and a million expressions crossed Esme's face.

Anger.

Confusion.

Shock

More anger.

"WHAT?" she finally yelled.

Oops.

**Ah! They're in trouble!**

**And Carlisle didn't even say thanks for the bear!**

**Anyway, seeing as though Carlisle doesn't want the bear …**

**REVEIWERS GET CARLISLE JR. THE BEAR!**

**Please review!!**


	38. Farmers use dodgy chemicals on grass?

**Ima try make this one funnier!!**

**Please review!**

Bella POV

"Guys! Guys! We're watching Madagascar!" Emmett yelled from the living room.

We all went down and Em was sat on the sofa.

With popcorn.

Emmett was eating popcorn.

"You gotta love King Julian." Emmett said half way through the film.

**(The king lemur in Madagascar, if you guys haven't seen it – GO NOW AND WATCH IT!)**

"NEW YORK GIANTS!" Jasper quoted and Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Esme, Esme, Esme, Esme, Esme" Emmett said and Esme sighed.

"WHAT Emmett?"

"Can we move to New York?" Em asked and I giggled.

"No." Was Esme's reply.

"But I wanna be a New York giant."

"Emmett you kicked up a fuss last time we moved." Esme said warily.

"I won't this time! I promise, pinkie swear!" Emmett promised and Carlisle sighed.

"Emmett, No."

"But this place is boring!!" Em complained.

"No, that is my final answer."

"Aww but Mom!!"

"Emmett? Have you ever heard the saying the grass is always greener on the other side?" Esme asked and Emmett shook his head.

"Well… people think life might be better somewhere else and when they get there –" Esme started to say but Emmett interrupted her.

"They get there and find the farmers use dodgy chemicals to make the grass greener?!"

"Uh, yeah, Emmett. Sure" Esme said and the rest of us were trying not to laugh.

"But I still wanna move to New York. And become a pigeon. AND EAT BAGEL CRUMBS IN AWESOME STRANGE DERRANGED APPLE!" Em screamed and Carlisle raised his eyebrows.

"Awesome strange deranged apple?" Esme asked and Rose shook her head, her blonde hair whipping from side to side.

"You REALLY don't want to know." She assured Esme and Esme nodded.

Jasper laughed and Alice hit him.

"Don't encourage him Jazz!!"

"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUSIICCCC! WITH SONGS THEY HAVE SUUUUUNG, FOR A THOUSANDDDD YEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Emmett stood up and sang.

"EMMETT? WHAT THE HELL? WE ARE WATCHIN MADAGASCAR! NOT THE SOUND OF MUSIC!" Jasper said and Em saluted him.

"DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOUR'E MY HEROOO? YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WISH I COULD BEEEEE! AND I CAN FLY HIGHER THAN AN EAGLEEEEEEEE, CUZ YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!" Em screamed and I covered my ears.

Edward sighed.

"Emmett, what the hell?" Rose asked.

"Emmett, we are watching MADAGASCAR, like Jasper said, NOT BEACHES." Alice said and Em grinned.

"What the fu-" Jasper began.

"JASPER!" Esme scolded.

"I WAS GONNA SAY WHAT THE FUDGE! I SAW IT ON SCRUBS!" Jazz yelled and I sighed.

"Riight, I'm going to bed. You guys can … do whatever you do at night." I said.

"Oh we normally attempt to sedate Emmett." Carlisle said and I sighed.

"Why can't you succeed?!"

"God only knows" Esme muttered.

"SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHALE SHAKE IT!" Emmett yelled and ran out of the window wall.

"EMMETT! I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU! YOU BROKE MY HOUSE!" Esme yelled and in the distance I heard Emmett laugh.

"I am so going. Before things get worse" I laughed.

"Good idea, night Bella" Carlisle said.

"Night Bells, oh by the way … WE'RE GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW!" Alice said and I ran up the stairs as fast as I could.

"Way to scare the human Al." Jasper teased and I sighed.

"Yeah Alice. I am now living in fear for my LIFE!"

"Bella, you are coming tomorrow." Alice yelled up to me.

"What you gonna do if I don't come? Suck my blood?" I teased and Edward rolled his eyes.

"It's a possibility" Alice teased and I sighed.

"Alice," Edward scolded lightly but his eyes were alight with amusement.

"I'm glad you think its funny Eddie, because you're coming to!" Alice said and I could tell she was trying not to laugh.

Horror crossed his face and he ran into the next room, locking the door behind him.

The next morning, Alice woke me up and dragged me out of bed.

Emmett wanted to go to ASDA so we went there, it had clothes and make up – so Alice was happy.

Rosalie went right to the mirrors and Alice dragged me to the clothes.

Edward tried to save me by smuggling me out of the changing room in a balaclava but Alice saw and pulled lip gloss out of her purse.

Edward ran and Alice followed.

"HEY! YOU! DUDE BEHIND THE COUNTER! HELP! A MAD PIXIE IS CHASING ME WITH LIP GLOSS!!" Edward yelled and the dude at the checkout gave Edward a funny look.

"HERE'S ALICEEEEEEEEE!" Alice screamed and pounced on Edward.

I walked past them, attempting to look graceful.

Typically I fell flat on my face.

Emmett laughed.

"BELLA, MEET . I BET YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE SEEING A LOT OF EACH OTHER!" He screamed between laughter and I grimaced.

"Eddie! Emmett's making fun of me!" I screamed and looked round.

Edward was on the floor, Alice kneeling over him, Lip-gloss in her left hand and mascara in her right.

She had her right stiletto heel on Edward head and was attempting to hold him down.

In the middle of the frozen food isle.

"BROTHER! SHOW YOUR CROSSDRESSER PRIDE!" Emmett said then started pulling bags of frozen carrots and peas out of the freezer and threw them at Edward.

"EMMETT! OH MAN I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Edward vowed and Em grinned.

"Too late brother dearest, our father killed us." Emmett said.

"YES OUR FATHER KILLED US! HE IS A PYSCO-PATHIC MANIAC! Is that even a word?" Emmett asked and Rose came round the corner, still holding a mirror.

"Emmett YOU are a physo-pathic maniac. And no, I don't know if that's a real word."

"That hurts. Ouch. Ice queen. You have an ice heart." Emmett said and Rose glared at him.

"What was that Emmie?" She said and Emmett cowered back.

"Nothing dear!"

"OI! YOU KIDS! GET OUT OF MY SUPERMARKET! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! WERE'NT YOU THE KIDS MESSING ROUND LAST TIME? GET OUT! AND DON'T COME BACK!" The store manager yelled.

"Of course sir!" Em said and saluted him.

We walked back to the parking lot and Rose hit Em over the head.

"Good going moron. Now we're banned from there. Esme is gonna kill you." She said and Em grinned.

"C'mon Rose, where are we NOT banned from? With Emmett?" Alice asked and Rose thought about it.

"I have no idea! Probably half of the buildings in the world!"

**Was that funnier than the other chapters?**

**Well please review!**


	39. Car Crash Creating Squirrel Monkey?

**Sorry I haven't updated in … AGES, but anyway, here's the next chapter – please reviewww!**

Jasper POV

"THE PHANTOM MCMINDREADER IS IN MY MIIIIIIIIIIIND!" Emmett yelled from the kitchen and Edward sighed.

"Emmett, ONE – stop singing the phantom of the opera and TWO I am not a phantom Mcmind reader." Edward yelled and Rose sighed, coming down the stairs.

"MEANDALICEAREGOINGSHOPPINGANDDRAGGINGBELLA, GOODLUCKWITHEMMETT!" She yelled and ran to the garage where Alice was pushing Bella into the back of the BMW.

(Translation: Me and Alice are going shopping and dragging Bella, good luck with Emmett!)

"BELLA! I HAVE DUCT TAPE! DO. NOT. UNDERESTIMATE. ME." Alice screamed from the garage and Bella ran in and hid behind the curtain.

Well, I say hid, you could see her shoes and plus Alice could smell her out, like a sniffer dog.

Hehe, Alice the sniffer dog.

"Oh Jasperrrr!" Edward said coming down the stairs.

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.

Alice dragged Bella away and I heard the BMW drive down the driveway and pull onto the highway.

"I could tell Alice that you thought she was a sniffer dog." He said and my jaw dropped.

"That was, I mean, I was just thinking that …" I said and Edward laughed.

"THIS IS BLACKMAIL!" I yelled.

"Ooh, Eddie's got into blackmail, naughty boy, Ima tell Mommy!" He said and I sighed.

"Where is Esme anyway?"

"Oh she went … out somewhere, something about nurses flirting with Carlisle at the hospital." Emmett explained and I nodded.

"Anyway, Jasper, you will not scheme against me in your evil plans any more or I shall tell Alice you thought she was a sniffer dog." Edward said and I sighed.

"Eddie, maybe you should stop blackmailing him." Emmett said.

He said something smart!!

"Amen to that brother." I said and Eddie hit me with a cushion.

Stupid, over-protective, mind reader thing.

"I heard that!"

"Point being …" I said and Emmett laughed.

"Ooh, popcorn! Where's the popcorn!" He said and I rolled my eyes.

"Emmett, FOR THE LAST TIME, WE. DO. NOT. EAT. POPCORN. YOU. DO. NOT. LIKE. POPCORN." I screamed and Em laughed hysterically.

"My god, are you mad?" Em said, in the worst British accent I have ever heard.

"Em, shut the hell up. Go get hyper of Carlisle's drugs." Edward said and I sighed.

"You idiot." I said and Em jumped up.

"YAY! THANK YOU SOO MUCH EDDIE! IF CARLISLE GETS MAD I'LL TELL HIM YOU TOLD ME TO! THEN I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EDDIE, OF COURSE, FOR LETTING ME TAKE THE AMAZING DRUGS, JAZZY OVER HERE, FOR NOT CALMING DOWN, AND IF HE DOES I WIL _MURDER_ HIM, LICKLE BELL-BELLS, FOR PROVDING ME WITH ENTERTAINMENT EVERY TIME SHE FELL FLAT ON HER FACE, ALICE, FOR ALL THE TIMES SHE HAS BIT ME, ROSE, FOR SAVING ME FROM THAT GODFORSAKEN BEAR, CARLISLE FOR HAVING THE DRUGS AND ESME FOR LETTING CARLISLE HAVE THE DRUGS. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL MY HUMAN FAMILY EVEN THOUGH I HATED THEIR GUTS, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY RANDOM AUNT PATTY, WHO STOLE MY POCKET MONEY WHEN I WAS SEVEN, AND MY OLD UNCLE BARRY WHO PROMISED TO TAKE ME TO DISNEY LAND AND THEN TOOK MY BRAT OF A BROTHER BOB INSTEAD." He screamed and took a bow.

"Emmett, Disney land wasn't even around when you were human." Edward said.

"WAS TOO!" Em screamed and ran upstairs.

"Did he even HAVE a brother and an Aunt Patty?" I asked and Edward shook his head.

I sighed and Em came running down the stairs, hyper as hell.

"I SEE DEAD PEOPLES!" He screamed.

"Aw that's mean Emmett; don't talk about Jazzy and Edward like that!" Bella said, coming through the door.

"Bella, how did you get away?!" I asked in wonder and she ran up to Edward and hugged him.

"Well, I dressed a mannequin in almost perfect replicas of my clothes and Alice and Rose are now dragging an un-responsive mannequin round the mall." She said proudly and I laughed.

"Oh and Bell-Bells, when I said dead people I meant the people that died in yesterdays car accident." Em said, rolling round on the floor in flour he had found in the kitchen.

"Em, what car accident? There was no car accident." I said and Em laughed and shook his head.

"THE CAR ACCIDENT THAT THE SQUIRREL-MONKEY CREATED! JIMBOB JONES WAS IN THE CAR, HE … HE DIED! AND CARLISLE WOUDN'T SAVE HIM! HE'S A MEANIE! HE DESERVES TO BE BAN ISHED TO TELETUBBY LAND!" He screamed and broke down in hysterical dry sob.

"Squirrel monkey?" Bella asked and I shook my head.

"You do NOT want to know; he's hyper as hell, he doesn't know what he's THINKING let alone what he's SAYING." Edward said and I laughed.

"Ah well Bella, and you still want to be part of this godforsaken family?" I said and she laughed but nodded.

We have one messed up family I thought.

"Amen brother." Edward said and Bella looked at him curiously.

Just another day in the Crazy Cullen household.

**Well, I might end this around chapter 45 or chapter 50.**

**But anyway, this is not the end!!**

**There is much more crazy Emmett and Evil Jazzy and god knows whatever else to come!**

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**AliceC1 xx**


	40. In a place far far south, THE NORTH POLE

**Here's the next chapie – hope you likeyy!!**

**Please review!**

Emmett POV

"EMMETT! WHERE DID YOU PUT MY THE KEYS FOR MY PORSCHE?!" Alice screamed and I laughed.

"IN A PLACE FAR FAR SOUTH, CALLED THE NORTH POLE." I yelled back.

( A/N – I totally made that up, no idea where it came from or how it makes sense!)

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!" She screamed and I laughed.

"AND?"

"EMMETT WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM?"

"AS I SAID – IN. A. PLACE. FAR. FAR. SOUTH. CALLED. THE. NORTH. POLE." I yelled and Alice sighed

"Whatever Em," she said and walked out the door.

I was wandering aimlessly round the house when I saw a flickering thing near Esme.

"ESME! WATCH OUT! IT'S … IT'S A …. Candle!!" I said, finishing smally.

"Emmett, not all of us are idiots like you. So not all of us will stick our hands in the candle, therefore we can be SAFE around candles … unlike YOU." She said then she smiled.

"Well, I'm going to check the plants, don't mess with the candle Em, please?" she said and nodded.

I walked over to the candle and narrowed my eyes at it.

It flickered.

I screamed and back away.

I went to hit it and my hand went straight through the flame.

Next thing there was a shooting pain in my hand.

I screamed again.

"AHH! ESME! MOMMY! I GOT A BOO-BOO!" I screamed and I heard her sigh.

"GET CARLISLE TO DEAL WITH IT!" She said and I nodded, grabbed Jasper and ran to the hospital.

Carlisle POV

I walked into the operating theatre and pulled on the ugly blue mask.

Alice would have a fit if she saw the scrubs.

She often told me to ask for a new uniform.

I walked in and held my breath for a moment.

"Cassie, pass me the scalpel" I said to Cassie and she handed me the long metal instrument.

"DADDY! I GOT A BOO-BOO!" I heard, I ignored it, as if I was human I wouldn't have been able to pick it up.

I heard heavy footsteps running down the corridor and slower footsteps behind.

"DADDY!" Emmett shouted, pounding his fists on the glass.

I sighed.

"DADDY! DADDY I GOT A BOO-BOO!" He screamed and Cassie laughed.

Emmett burst in and smelt the blood.

"Emmett! Hold your breath!" I said, at vampire speed.

"BLOOD! JAZZY! JAZZY GET YOUR CIVIL SOLDIER BUTT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!" Em screamed and Jasper growled.

"Jasper faints at the sight of blood." I explained as everyone in the theatre were looking at Emmett.

"He does a lot more than faint." Emmett muttered and I hit him over the head.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, this better be good." I warned and Cassie laughed again.

"Go, , we'll be fine down here." She said and I smiled gratefully.

I walked out and Emmett sat down.

"DADDY! I PUT MY HAND THROUGH A CANDLE! I COULD HAVE BEEN A PILE OF VA-" He yelled but Jasper put his hand over Emmett's mouth before he could say too much.

"Emmett, what were you doing with a candle?" I asked calmycalmly and he smiled.

"Oh that's easy, it was Esme's," He said and I sighed.

"Emmett, go home. Now." I said and he saluted me and walked away, dragging Jasper by the arm.

_Sorry_, Jasper mouthed to me and I laughed.

"See you at home, kids – DON'T get into_ too_ much trouble!" I said and walked away.

Emmett POV

"See? I TOLD you daddy would help me!" I said happily.

"Emmett, he didn't HAVE to help you; there was nothing wrong with you in the first place." Jasper said and I shook my head.

"Nu-uh, I burnt my pinkie finger, that's something wrong." I said and pulled into a corner shop.

"What we coming here for?" Jasper asked and I smiled.

I locked him in the car and came back a few seconds later.

He saw what I was holding and raised his eyebrows.

"Emmett, seriously? _Band-Aids?!_"

"But I hurt my pinkie!"

**Did you like itt?**

**Please review!!**

**I ORDER YOU TO REVIEW!**

**OR THE RABID MONKEY WILL BITE YOU!!**

**R.I.M – Rathbone is mine – thought I'd let you know =D**


	41. You do NOT put band aids there!

**Thanks for the reviews!!!!**

**Here's the next chapter!!**

Alice POV

"No, Emmett no! You're putting it on wrong! You put it on your finger"

"Nu-uh, Jazz-spaz, I KNOW what I'm doing!"

"Shut up! And don't call me that!"

"What? Jazz-Spaz?"

"Yeah!"

"So you WANT me to call it you?"

"NO!"

"But you just said yeah!"

"EMMETT! SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"NO, JAZZ-SPAZ!"

I sighed.

Emmett and Jasper were back after going to see Carlisle at the hospital for him to 'Fix Emmett's pinkie finger'

I walked down the stairs slowly, anticipating whatever might be waiting downstairs.

Emmett was covered from head to foot in band-aids, only his finger that he burnt was free from band-aids.

"Um Emmett…"

"ALICE! TELL HIM HE'S ONLY SUPPOSED TO PUT A BAND AID ON THE FINGER HE HURT!" Jasper screamed.

"NU-UH JAZZ-SPAZ! YOU PUT THE BAND AIDS EVERYWHERE SO THE SORE FINGER CAN GET USED TO BEING ALONE AND THEN IT WILL GET BETTER!"

"NO! YOU'RE WRONG!" Jasper screamed at Emmett.

Rose came down the stairs and sighed.

"BOTH OF YOU! SHUT THE HELL UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I AM ARMED WITH A FRYING PAN AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!"

"Um, a frying pan Rose?" I asked and she pulled a frying pan out from behind her back.

"THAT'S MY FRYING PAN! MINE! MINE, MINE, MINE!" Jasper yelled and he jumped across the room and grabbed the frying pan.

He ran out of the house laughing manically.

"Okayh … Where is everyone?" I asked Rose and she looked round.

"I dunno, I think Esme took Bella and Eddie-boy shopping for food and stuff…" she shrugged and I nodded.

"Bai guys, ima go get some sugar and spike Bella's drink with it so she get's hyper as hell" Emmett said, going to the basement and getting a bag of sugar the size of his head.

"Edward's gonna kill him." I said and Rose raised her eyebrows.

"Ya think?" she said and pointed to Edward's piano.

It lay in wooden splinters on the floor and a piece of paper lay on the floor next to it.

_To Eddie, you are my brother. Love Emmie_

Emmett had stuck the piano keys all around the paper and left a tiny space to write in.

"So Rose, ready to mourn your husband?" I asked as I heard the car turn onto the drive.

"Ah hell! Eddie's back!" Emmett called from the kitchen, stopping pouring sugar into Bella's coke and running out the back door.

"Hey guys! Bella said walking through the door.

Rose and I tried to block the piano as Edward walked in.

He looked at us suspiciously.

"What you hiding?"

"Nothing" Rose and I said simultaneously.

He looked round and saw the piano, or remains of the piano.

"Huh, I needed a new one anyway. Emmett can buy me a new one." He said and walked into the kitchen calmly.

"Right, Jasper is now where to be seen, so he definitely didn't calm him down, Edward has no plans of killing Emmett, as far as i can see … What happened?!" I said and Bella and Esme laughed.

"Esme drugged him." Bella said and Esme hi-5'd her.

"Why?" Rose said and Esme shrugged.

"I was bored."

I laughed and looked out of the window and saw Jasper and Em fighting again.

"Oh and Esme? You might want to get Emmett out of the band aids …"

**There ya go!**

**Please review!**

**Well, this is like … almost finished *tear***

**Im planning on finishing it soon … so, yano.**

**Please review but the next chapter will NOT – I repeat NOT- be the last.**


	42. Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver

**Sorry I aint updated in ages!!! Anyway, Im gonna try and update stories more frequently, but anyway, PLEASE REVIEW!!**

JPOV

Stupid, stupid microwave.

All I wanted was a chicken burger.

But noo …

The dumb microwave just HAS to blow up.

I am so gonna run away and work for Santa as head elf.

Head Elf Jasper.

I can see it now.

I got up from the chair in my room and walked down the stairs to the living room.

"NO! ALICE NO! NO SHOPPING! NU-UH!" Bella yelled, randomly sitting on the floor.

"SILENCE IS GOLDEN BELLA, BUT DUCT TAPE IS SILVER." Alice argued and I laughed.

"Oh don't you dare Jasper Hale, I WILL tell Emmett about you prancing round the room in a pink tutu!" she screamed and I groaned.

"Well done Alice!"

"JAZZY? IN A TUTU! SERIOUSLY? OH MAN JASMINA! YOU AINT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS ONE DUDE! WAIT – DUDETTE!" Emmett screamed from the confines of the house.

I groaned again.

"Gee, THANKS Alice!"

Alice smiled.

Emmett came thundering down the stairs and I grimaced.

"Hey there sister! How's your ballet class treating ya?" he said, putting his arm round my shoulder.

"I wasn't dancing! Alice forced me into a tutu and then I heard Edward screaming outside so I ran to the window and Alice said that I was 'prancing.' WHICH I WAS NOT!" I protested.

"Sure Jessica" Em said and I growled.

"MY NAME IS NOT JESSICA!"

"Oops, Sorry. Jasminda."

"IT'S NOT JASMINDA!"

"Jasmine?"

"IT'S JASPER!"

"OK GUYS! BELLA AND I ARE GOING SHOPPING. BE BACK LATER!"

"Possibly" Bella muttered.

"EMMETT! JASPER!" Esme shouted and I groaned.

"Oh I hope your happy." I hissed and Em grinned.

"Boys, stop arguing."

"But Jazz is secretly a ballet dancer!" Em protested.

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

"BOYS! You are GROUNDED. Emmett, no talking to ANYONE for the next three hours and Jasper, no reading – or burning- civil war books for three hours."

I sighed.

"Nice move, idiot." I muttered and Em grinned again.

"Well, being an idiot is my natural state so …"

"Gah!"

"Now listen, since there's nothing else to do, shall we go torture Eddie."

"Fine." I grumbled.

We walked into Edward's room and sat next to him on the sofa.

"What do you want?" he asked and I grinned.

"Nothing!" Em and I said simultaneously.

"What you reading?" Em asked and Edward grimaced.

"A book."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because"

"Why" Emmett asked

"Because I want to."

"Why?" I asked.

Edward growled.

"Go away idiots!"

"Why?!" Emmett asked and I struggled not to laugh.

"GAH!" He screamed and ran out.

"Mission accomplished" Em said and hi-d' me.

**So, hit or miss?**

**Please review!!**


	43. I am going to murder you now

**Ok so, I might end this around chapter 50 … whaddya think?**

**Anyway, thanks for the reviews … on with the random humour!**

EMPOV

"JASMINA!" I yelled and I heard Jasper sighed.

"I AM NOT CALLED JASMINA!"

"Whatever." I muttered.

I stalked out of my room, going to find Jasmina, and get him to help me tease Eddie-kinz.

I found him in the garden, helping Esme.

"Emmett! Get over here and help!" Esme said and horror crossed my face,

I ran back inside.

"CODE RED, CODE RED! ESME WANTS HELP IN THE GARDEN!" I screamed and Bella screamed and hid under the table.

Alice squealed and hid in her closet, let's face it, you'd have to be in there for days to find her amongst all her clothes.

Rosalie ran to Edward's piano and got inside it, giggling.

"I was going to hide in there dammit!" Edward whisper-yelled.

Instead he ran into the attic where I followed him.

I opened the hatch, switched on the light and shut the hatch.

"Why didn't Jasper tell us she wanted help?!" Edward hissed and I shrugged.

"He has been possessed; he and Esme want us all to become garden working robots that sing the llama song. Or in Carlisle's case that annoying song that goes, the knee bone connected to the hip bone, the hip bone connected to the thigh bone, blah blah." I said, in full conspiracy mode.

You see, when Esme wants help it always means us working in the garden for days on end, with no rest.

"Emmett, we don't need rest." Eddie-boy said, reading my mind.

I sighed.

"Sheesh Mcmind reader, go get a happy meal. Be happy." I suggested and he grimaced.

"I don't eat, idiot."

I sighed.

"Whatever, I'm gonna go create a vamp-fish." I said and jumped down from the attic.

"What?!" Eddie said, following me.

"I said I'm going to create a vamp-fish. Now stop stalking me … pervert." I said and he rolled his eyes.

"I'll tell Esme!"

"No one likes a tattle tale."

"ESME! EMMETT WANTS TO CREATE A VAMP-FISH!" he yelled.

"EDDIE BOY WANTS TO HELP IN THE GARDEN!" I screamed and Eddie glared at me.

"I hate you right now."

"Love you too, now, I have vamp-fishies to create." I said and skipped towards the river.

.

Four hours later, I had a rabid fish in a cage.

I let it out of the cage and laughed as it flopped about on the floor.

"Woah, it only took four hours to change. A record." I said and Alice walked past sighing.

"Carlisle is going to murder you." She said and I laughed.

.

Carlisle walked through the door and I threw the fish in his face.

"CARLISLE! SAY HI TO FISHIE!" I yelled.

"Fishie?"

"MY VAMP-FISH!"

"YOU'RE WHAT?!"

Oopsie.

"IT WAS ALICE!" I screamed, blaming the first person I saw.

"Emmett. I am going to murder you now." Carlisle said and I laughed nervously.

I _think_ I'm in trouble …

**Fishie! The vampire fish!**

**Aaanyway, please review!!**

**Hope you liked that!**

**And now I'm of to update other stories of mine, but REVIEW DAMNIT REVIEW!**

**P.S – Fishie was my entire creation, I own only Fishie, none of the other characters … just Fishie.**


	44. They're coming ALL OF THEM! RUN!

**Heyy, here's the next chapter, hopes you like! Thanks for the ideas guys, you know who you are, with our wacky MSN conversation =D**

BPOV

Emmett came thundering down the stairs, shaking the foundations of the house, and everything inside the house.

"Sheesh Emmett, what is it?" I asked and fear crossed his face.

"They're coming!" he said in a choked whisper.

"What?" I said in confusion.

"Alice said so. They're coming for us. _All of them_"

The blood drained from my face and I felt the need to ask:

"Who?" I said, already knowing who they were.

They're the scariest thing you can imagine, I know this from past experiences.

Fear clouded his child like features, the normal humour disappearing from them.

"The … monkeys!" he said, finishing smally and I screamed.

"NOOO!"

I ran outside, Emmett following me closely.

We got outside and hid in the dark cover of the trees.

"Emmett, we're under trees!" I said, looking up, my rational side taking over my mind.

He looked at me blankly and I sighed.

"Monkeys _live_ in trees!" I hissed and realisation and fear crossed his face.

He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the trees, to the house.

We hid in the cellar for five hours, until Alice came down and opened the cellar door, telling us the monkeys weren't coming.

.

That night, Emmett went to go hunting by Seattle.

When he came back he was dressed all in black, and had a sad expression on his face.

I looked at him from the couch and he grimaced.

He kneeled on the floor and bowed his head.

"What's wrong?" I asked but he held his hand up to me.

"RIP," he muttered.

I looked at him in confusion and he grinned.

"I killed a grizzly." He said, the sadness returning for only a second.

I laughed and he tossed me a pack of Skittles.

I screamed happily and opened the packet.

Colourful little pods of happiness rolled on the floor and I laughed loudly.

Edward groaned from the sofa.

"EMMETT, YOU IDIOT."

"Whadid I do?" he asked innocently.

"YOU MIGHT ASWELL HAVE GAVE HER FREAKING CAFFEINE" Edward yelled, I barley noticed.

Skittles.

Hehe, hyper-ness.

"Caffeine? Can I try that next time?" Emmett asked and Edward growled.

I laughed and rolled on the floor.

"NO!" he yelled and I sighed.

"I want caffeine now! Coke, me want Cola, Coke, Coca Cola, what ever you wanna call it … I WANT IT!"

Edward sighed.

"See what you do? Do you _see_?" he asked and Emmett shook his head, grinning from ear to ear.

Rosalie sighed.

"Leave them, they're gonna get hyper, all three of them." She said and Emmett raised his eyebrows.

"Three? So I'm _not _having problems with my eyesight! There really is two of Bella!" he said and Rose hit her forehead.

"No, idiot. Jasper's gonna get hyper 'cause you two are."

Emmett sighed in realization.

"JAZZY-KINS! COME HERE, JAZZY-POPO!" he yelled and Jasper sighed.

"STAY AWAY FROM THE BANANAS. THEY'RE SECRETLY PORCUPINES" he yelled.

I laughed, for no apparent reason, and drifted to sleep, thinking about mutant oranges and leprechauns on drugs.

**Did you like?**

**Pleaseee review!!**

**By the ways, I've got a new email address, thought I'd let ya's know, so I've gotta change all my accounts for EVERYTHING over to my new one. Gah, soo much to do!**

**Anyways, please review!**


	45. Barbie was NOT an obsession!

**Well, it hath been along time my young Wall-Martians.**

**I trust you remember Kat?**

**Yano, the cat that made its first appearance in chapter 6? But named chapter 7?**

**(Its dumb, the whole chapter-number thing)**

**Buh anyways, on with the chapter!**

CPOV

"OMG! GUESS WHAT I FOUND?!" Emmett screamed, bounding down the stairs.

I sighed and Jasper shrugged.

"I FOUND KAT!"

"Who now?" Rosalie asked and Emmett sighed.

"The cat …"

"We had a cat?!" Jasper asked, looking blankly at Emmett.

"_YES!!_"

"The kitten?!" Esme asked, and Emmett sighed.

"SOMEONE REMEMBERS!"

"Of course I remember, he was called Jimmy, we had him back in '68. Don't you remember?"

"NO! _SHE_ WAS CALLED KAT. AND WE GOT HER A FEW _WEEKS_ AGO!!" Em yelled.

"Um …." Rose said, and Em sighed running back upstairs.

He came back down, with a furry object in his arms.

"Behold, Kat!" he said, and Rose sighed with realization.

"Ah! The cat we bought!!" she said, and Emmett sighed.

"YES."

"Whatever, I'm bored." Jasper said, probably wanting to wander into the kitchen and smash Esme's new granite worktops.

"Fine. I wanna go drug Bella with Stickles."

"Emmett, its _Skittles._ And Edward would kill you if you drugged Bella." Rose said, and Emmett pouted.

"NO. STICKLES. SKITTLES … ON A STICK!!"

"On … a stick." Jasper asked, raising his eyebrows.

"YUP. THE COULOURFULL PODS OF HYPER ACTIVENESS … ON A SMALL WOODEN ROD, COMMONLY KNOWS AS A STICK." He yelled.

"Emmett, we all know what a stick is." I said, and he glared at me.

"FINE. DON'T JUDGE ME! FETUAL POSITION!" he yelled, and lay down on the floor in a ball.

"Hey!" he said, jumping up suddenly "What happened to Fishie?"

"I threw him in the river." Jasper said and I hit my head with my hand.

We ran outside to see thousands of fish floating on the surface of the water, and that stupid goldfish grinning at me from the bank.

GRINNING.

"Emmett. That STUPID fish killed all the other fish. What do you have to say for yourself?!" I asked and he grinned stupidly.

"WHAT I SHARED WITH BARBIE WAS NOT AN OBSESSION!" He yelled, running off into the forest.

We walked back to the house, Bella sitting down looking kinda sad.

"Wassupppp!" Jasper said, badly imitating Scream from _Scary Movie_.

"Charlie's coming back early. Something about all the fish being dead all along the river. There's like … four fish left in Forks. They're now an endangered species here, we're not allowed to eat any local fish." She said and I sighed.

"EMMETT!"

**Did you like?**

**Okay, this is coming to an end soon =(**

**I have decided I might do 55 chapters instead of 50, then maybe an epilogue.**

**But anyways, REVIEW YOUNG FRUIT SALADS!!**


	46. More Arguments

**Haven't updated in ages, sorry!! Ima start the sequel, then post it after this is finished … or, I could NOT do a sequel and carry this on until … how about the rest of my time on this freakin' website? I dunno … anyway! Review, young Creampuffs.**

**Plus, you may have noticed I named all the chapters!! Took me a full half hour!!**

Em POV

"IT WAS NOT MY FAULT." I screamed in my defence.

"IT OBVIOUSLY WAS!" Jasper yelled back.

"I REFUSE TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS UN-AVOIDABLE INCIDENT"

"IT. IS. ALL. YOUR. FAULT."

"I RESENT THAT FACT!"

"YOU DO THAT. IT DOES NOT EXCUSE THE FACT THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT."

"LIIIIIAAAARRRR! YOUR VICIOUS LIES BURN MY EARS!"

"_MY_ LIES?"

"YES. YOUR. LIES." I screamed across the room to where Jasper was sat on the sofa.

"IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!" he screamed back, and I shook my head in denial.

"NO IT IS NOT. YOU DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"I MADE IT!" he protested, and I shook my head once again.

"NO, YOU STOLE IT OFF ME. _I_ MADE IT!"

"NU-UH! I MADE IT BECAUSE I HELD IT!"

"NOOO! THAT WAS ME!" I said, but he shook his head from back to forth.

I ignored his statement and looked back at the TV screen.

"It was still mine" I muttered.

Jasper screamed.

"IT. WAS. MINE! YOU TOOK IT!"

I screamed a _very_ high pitched sound.

So high pitched the window smashed.

Esme chose this point to intercede.

"Okay, Who-" she began, but was drowned out by Jasper's scream that shattered the clock on the mantle.

"I BREAK A WINDOW AND YOU CAN ONLY BREAK A CLOCK?!" I laughed and he glared at me.

"WELL, THAT PROVES THAT I DON'T HAVE A _GIRLY VOICE_!"

"Oh no you di-int!" I said, snapping my fingers in a Z formation.

"Oh no you di-int just say oh no you di-int and snap your fingers in the Z formation!" Jasper said, laughing.

I laughed without humour and glared at him.

"Yeah I did. BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU DIDN'T DO IT!" I said and Esme attempted to speak again, broke of my Jasper yelling.

"DO WHAT? IT WAS _YOU_!"

"YOU LIAR!!"

"YOU THIEF!" Jasper screamed and I gasped.

"I AM NO SUCH THING! I HAVE NEVER STOLEN ANYTHING!"

"OH YEAH? SO THAT GUY JUST _GAVE_ YOU HIS CAR IN FRANCE?!" he accused and I glared.

"Yeah, he did actually." I said smugly and he raised his eyebrows.

"ALRIGHT! I stole it okay? But I returned it!"

"Yeah, you returned it looking like it had been to the SCRAP YARD!"

"Well, your car DID come from the scrap yard!" I yelled back, ooh burn!

"LE GASP! WELL _YOUR_ CAR WAS FOUND ON THE STREET!"

"YEAH? WELL, WELL, I MEAN, IT'S BESIDE THE POINT! YOU STOLE IT!"

**(Wondering what IT is yet? You shall find out soon, dear Jammy Dodgers!)**

"NO. I. DID. NOT!" jasper screamed and I laughed.

"YES. YOU. DID!"

"ALRIGHT!" Esme yelled, "WHO TOOK THE DAMN COOKIE?!"

**(Yes, IT is a cookie!)**

I pointed at Jasper, while Jasper pointed at me.

Typical.

Esme sighed heavily, and walked out of the room.

Oh joy of joys.

**Please reviewww!!**

**Going for my tea nowwws, REVEIW!**


	47. Auntie Emmett's daycare!

**Le gasp! I am ALIVE! … And eating ice cream.**

**LAST CHAPTER**

** Good, now I have your attention, ****this isn't**** the last chapter, me just needs you to read this!**

**So basically, Meh has decided that I don wanna end this!**

**I thought "why do I ****have**** to end it!", and then it occurred to me "wait, I don't **_**HAVE**_** to end it … not yet anyways"**

**So you guys better love me, cuz me is ****NOT**** planning on ending this soon! Planning on ending it … ****never?**

**Anyways! Oh with the story!**

APOV

I walked down the stairs, my mind filled with thoughts of new Jimmy Choo's and that pink bikini I _had_ to have.

"AHHHH! POKEMON, ATTACKKKKK!"

I screamed, and sighed as I saw Emmett stood on the sofa, launching peaches across the room.

"I give up, really, I do" I said, and he grinned.

"I do? Seriously, I know you love me and all, but I don't wanna like … marry you. Plus, that would kinda be incest anyways …" he said, taking my last two words and twisting them to make them into a stupid sentence.

"Yeah. Suuuure." I said, and he smiled sadly.

"There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you ABUSE IT!" he said, screaming at the end.

"_I _abuse it?!" I said and he nodded, grinning.

"Gah! You annoy me soo much!"

"Love you too!" he said, ignoring me completely.

"I hate you." I said, showing no emotion in my face or voice.

"As I said, love you too"

"Who's the one committing incest _NOW?_" I asked, smiling smugly.

He sighed heavily and childishly turned his head.

I walked out to the garage; witch was empty, as was the house.

Strange, I thought, but then carried on with my mission to steal Rose's catalogue and order maaaaany items of designer clothing.

When I walked back in, Emmett had disappeared from the sofa, leaving behind numerous peaches strewn across the floor.

I ignored it, and walked up the stairs, lost in my thoughts.

Until, that is, I heard strange mutters coming from the closet.

"Now, Jimmy, give Bib his exercise book back. No! Carol! Don't eat that! Billy-Bob! Don't mess around with that … only grown ups can use that! And Fairy-Dust, go and play teacups with Fairy-Wings"

I slowly pushed open the door and saw Emmett sat on a small stool, a small white board perched on a shelf next to him, and numerous teddy's scattered round, all with name tags saying 'Bob' and 'Pixie' and 'Fairy-Glitter'.

I stood silently, waiting for him to notice my presence.

He didn't and carried on talking.

He got up, and placed a small white bear onto a chair next to a table where small china cups were laid out, and a grey bear and green Care Bear were sat, 'having a tea party'.

He walked backwards 'till he reached his stool.

The bears were laid out in rows, legs crossed, their heads angled upwards so they appeared to be looking at Emmett in awe.

He began to speak again, and I looked round.

A small sign hung on the back wall, reading 'Auntie Emmett's dai care, Plaiy and Lern with me!'

I stifled a laugh, he had misspelled learn, day and play.

The sign was written in a messy scrawl, with a green crayon.

"Now children, two plus two are twenty two, what is four plus four?" he asked and pointed to a random bear.

"Canada! Stop talking to Texas! Now, Ohio, answer my question!!" he said, scolding two pink bears and asking the question to a vivid yellow snake.

He cocked his head to the side, as if hearing the toys answer.

"No, Ohio. You are wrong. Four plus four is _not_ eight. Now, Latvia, can you answer?" he asked again, pointing to another bear.

This time, Emmett's eyes lit up after the bear 'spoke'.

"Yeah! Latvia is right! Four plus four is forty four! Now onto science! We breathe air, now Yorkshire, what do we breathe?"

This time, I could barley conceal the laugh that escaped my lips, and Emmett turned round, a stern look on his face.

"Tut tut child, you are late for class!" he said, and I began to laugh uncontrollably.

He pointed to a space on the floor, and I sat obediently and grinned as he started to lecture the 'class' on 'the physics of The Powerpuff Girls.'

"And so, Bubbles is the ditzy one, and Buttercup is the evil one, and the other one who's name I can't remember with the red hair, is rather bossy. And that, dear child, is the physics behind The Powerpuff Girls." He finished with a flourish.

He picked up a random bell, and rang it.

"Now class, you are dismissed, and remember, don't tell anyone! This is private tutoring!!" he hissed and I laughed, standing up.

Horror crossed his face, and I laughed.

"Alice, what, where, where did you come from?!!" he stuttered and I laughed in confusion.

"I was here the whole time, you told me to sit down …"

"I thought you were that bear I let go to the bathroom!" he said in shock and I laughed.

"Well Emmett … I learned a lot today" I said, walking out of the door "Like you can't spell and that you secretly want to be a woman teacher!"

"Woman?!" he protested, hearing the end of my sentence.

"Well, what's the whole Auntie Emmett thing for?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

He looked away nervously and disappeared down the hallway after locking the closet and clamping a huge padlock round the door handle.

Auntie Emmett, the teacher.

Classic.

**So?**

**Did you like?**

**Pleassseeee review!!**


	48. Galelio, I am Galelio!

**ZOMG!!! 949 reviews!! That's like … wow. Meh loves you guys ^^**

**This is the last update 'till at least Sunday, cuz meh is staying at my friends tomorrow night, if you're lucky, I might find the time to update tomorrow …**

**Meh dunno, anyways, if hope you like this!!**

**P.S – all you guys that reviewed and said the other Power Puff Girl was called Blossom, you would be right, meh just felt like making him forget her name =D**

**Em POV**

Galileo, Galileo, Galileo …

Who. The. Hell. Is. Galileo?!

I see a little silhouette upon the mountain … I sang in my head as I walked down the stairs.

Everyone was out … doing something or other.

I was alone.

ALONEEEE!

My mommy don't love me 

Wait … my mommy left and told me to do _something_.

But what …

Hmm, tidy up? Not a chance mother dear.

Wash up? No, we don't eat.

Turn the TV on? Naw, it's already on.

Shine her car? Wait – she doesn't have a car.

Do my homework? No, I didn't have any … that I can remember.

Make dinner? Again, my earlier point, we don't eat.

LE GASP-NESS!

Me has forgotten … meh be in trouble.

Oh well, meh don't care, I shall run away and become a hermit crab.

A hermit crap on the coast of Neverland where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell shall sun bathe in the sun and Captain Hook will be screaming on his piratey boat because that stupid meanie crocodile has eated him.

Is eated even a word?

I don't care … eated is my new word, because I am Galileo, and I am awesome.

I hath decided that I am Galileo, I have solved the question!!

I walked into the kitchen and my eyes lit up as I saw the new blender.

"Ah, we shall have some fun in here … operation destroy blender and blame Jazzy-pants" I muttered, and walked over to the blender.

I picked it up and hit it repeatedly against the counter until it resembled a rather silvery prune.

I ripped a page out of a cook book, and scribbled a note on the back.

_Sorry mommy, I didn't mean to destroy the blender._

_I feel guilty._

_Maybe you should ground me and never let me out of my emo corner._

_I shall cut away the pain_

_Love, Jazzy-Pants x_

I laughed as I pasted glue onto the back of the note, and slapped the paper onto the silver lump that was previously the blender.

It _is_ a blender … I just blended it against the counter … kinda.

I turned round, and headed upstairs to Carweasel's study.

I opened the door and creeped in, humming the mission impossible theme tune.

I cracked open the safe and gasped as I saw cobwebs hanging inside.

I don't even know if creeped is a word ... but i did it! I creeped! Like a creepy creeper!

Like a creeping creepy creeper frog!

Called TheMaleGoose!

"LE GASP!" I declared.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I clamped my hands over my eyes.

_He can't see me, he can't see me, he can't see me, he can't –_

"Emmett, I can see you." Carweasel said.

Damn, did I say all that out loud?

"MY _NAME_IS GALELIO!" I screamed and ran out of the door, without taking my hands of my eyes.

I ran into something solid and fell to the floor.

CPOV

He ran into the door frame, and collapsed.

I grinned and sat at the desk.

Finally, after all these years, I had sedated Emmett.

I stood on the desk, kicking the papers to the floor.

"BOW DOWN TO ME, FOR I SEDATED HIM!" I screamed.

Esme walked through the door, checking the commotion.

"What happened in …" she began, and then saw Emmett on the floor "Thank Christ …" she said and I grinned.

"It was all MY doing!!!" I said proudly and she glared at me.

"You killed him." She said, turning on her heels and disappearing out of the door.

I sighed as she walked down the stairs, then I heard her scream from the kitchen.

"I AM GOING TO KILL HIM! HE BROKE MY BLENDER!" she yelled, storming into my study, almost blasting the door of it's hinges.

"Thank God you killed him … or whatever you did. I am going to make his life/death a living HELL when he wakes up"

She walked out again, leaving me confused.

Hands up who understands the reasoning behind her sudden mood changes?

(Insert confused face here)

**Okays, me is going, Friends is on XD**

**Hope you liked thisss x**

**PLEASE REVEIWWW!**


	49. Crazed WomanMother & Rabid Brother!

**Okays, I got up early to do this (and finish off a debate about whether Texas IS in the south of America … turns out, Brazil and that is, Texas is in the southern **_**states**_** of America … not **_**south America**_** … it confused me too … didn't confuse my dad though, he was too happy being right, humph)**

**Y'all better thank me.**

**Wow, it's fourth July … so to all the American awesome readers … Happy Independence day (even though I have no idea what exactly you **_**DO**_**on independence day … maybe Obama will make a speech, I shall check later on YouTube! Yay to Obama and his awesome-ness!!)**

**Anyway! After the longest AN in history, there is actually a chapter … right down there ….. REVIEW!**

ESPOV

Murder.

Kill.

Shoot.

Stab.

Drown.

Smother.

Hit repeatedly.

Burn.

Rip to shreds.

Strap to a firework.

Roast on a spit over a _very_ hot flame.

Push of a cliff.

Beat to death.

Subject him to the wrath of Rosalie and Alice.

Sick Italy on him … possible.

I considered ways of killing _him_ all day.

Sadly, he could not drown, I could not shoot him, or smother him, but I COULD strap him to a firework.

I COULD tell Rosalie and Alice that HE was the one who destroyed all their clothes … even though I knew full well it was Bella when she was attempting revenge.

How they didn't know it was her … I have NO idea.

He.

Broke.

My.

Blender.

He.

Will.

Die.

A.

Horrible.

Painful.

Death.

I had come to the conclusion that, since he had killed my blender, I was going to kill him.

In the living room, I hid behind the sofa, BB gun in hand.

(BB guns are those fake guns you see those little kids with, the ones that shoot out little plastic balls that HURT)

When Emmett walked down the stairs I hid further behind the sofa and laughed silently as he looked around in confusion.

"Oh, hey mom!" he said, waving at me from across the room.

I mentally cursed my hiding place, punching a hole in the back of the sofa.

Aw damn.

Yay! I can buy a new sofa!

I jumped up, holding the gun at eye level.

"Muhahahahaha! Die, die, die!" I screamed and he ducked for cover behind the TV.

I still shot at him, the little plastic balls bouncing of the TV screen.

"Heeeelllpppp! My mommy's murdering meee!" he screamed, and Jasper appeared in the doorway, and Emmett grinned in relief, thinking his brother would help him.

Oh, how wrong he was.

"Jazzy-Pantsss! Help! The crazed woman is murdering meeee!" Emmett screamed, ducking as I aimed a shot at his head.

"Huh? I see no crazed woman!" Jasper said, pulling another BB gun out from behind his back.

Realisation crossed Emmett's face and then he started to cry.

"Whadid I EVER do to you Jazzy?!"

"Huh? You broke the blender and blamed me, which didn't work, cuz I was out WITH Esme the whole time, you always blame me for everything, I am normally the unwilling and unknowing subject of your stupid pranks, you ruined my stuff, you burnt my books back in '89 … want me to carry on?" Jasper said, counting on his fingers everything Emmett had done over the years.

"Oh come on! Those were jokes! HELP! DADDY! MOMMY IS MIND-KILLING ME! WITH BB GUNS! DAAAAADDDYYYY!" He screamed and Carlisle walked down the stairs and laughed.

"You rang?"

"Help me; the rabid brother and crazed mother are shooting me!!!!!" Emmett begged.

"Huh? Meh no see no-body" Carlisle said, walking out of the door smoothly.

"OKAY … OKAY! I'M SORRY!" Emmett yelled.

"CAPTAIN MCJAZZ! HOLD FIRE!" I yelled, eying Emmett suspiciously.

Jasper stopped shooting at once, and I grinned.

"Buy me a new blender" I said, chucking some notes at Emmett.

He caught them, grinned goofily, and skipped out of the door.

(Is goofily even a WORD? Well, it is now :D)

I sighed.

"Well … I think that was a job well done" Jasper said and I nodded.

"NOW GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!"

"But mom ..." He protested and I glared at him, sending him backtracking

"No. NOW."

"Aye aye SIR! I mean MOM!" He said, saluting me and running off up the stairs.

I sat down on the couch and picked up my magazine.

"JASPER! Clean up in here too! And make me a cup of tea!" I said and I heard him sigh.

"YOU DON'T DRINK!"

"BUT I WANT ONEEEE!" I whined and he sighed.

"Yes, oh dear mother of mine."

Em POV

Ohhh, shiny thiiings!

I WANT ONE!

La dee da da la dee daa, I thought as I skipped across the parking lot too …

AWESOME STRANGE DERRANGED APPLE!

Being killed by your mom really does take the energy outa ya you know ….

**OK! That's it for this chapter!**

**And if you don't know what Awesome Strange Deranged Apple is by NOW, then I suggest you go back and re-read this whole random fic!**

**See what kind of crazy dementated stuff Emmett gets up to next chapter!**

**Anyways, little pumpkin-snakles REVIEW!**

**(Snakles, pronounced, Snake-els)**


	50. Socks, Language and Pedicures

**Wow! 50'Th chapter!! Yay's!! Make sure you guys read the AN at the end, it be (kinda) important!!**

**Sorry for not updating aaaall week! But, the six week holidays start next Friday (well, seven, my school gets an extra four days off, we go back in on a Friday … confusing)**

**Charis' sleepover was funny, drew on our faces with pen, and took half an hour to wash it all off!! Saw a spider at quarter to four, me and Charis spazzed out and woke everyone up. Kinda only got ten minuets sleep … and even then I was saying 'no Charis, I'm not asleep, noo!'**

**Aaanyways! Please review!!**

JPOV

I walked up the stairs slowly, walking into my room and seeing my wife tearing up pairs of pink socks.

"Aw, I always liked these socks…" she said almost in despair, snipping the end of the socks off and tossing it into a large pile.

She reached for another pair of socks, reaching across a huge pile.

"Um …. Alice, what are you _doing_?!" I asked and she looked up and grinned at me.

"Well, what's the point in getting a good pedicure if you can't show it off? I'm cutting off the ends of the socks so when you DO get a pedicure … you can show everyone!" she said, clapping her hands and laughing manically.

"Um … Alice, honey, I don't GET pedicures…"

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes and talking to me as if I was two "But that's because you always had to wear socks to cover up the pedicure"

"No, I just DON'T get freakin' pedicures!" I protested but she laughed and carried on snipping the end off various socks.

I noticed a pair of Carlisle's socks in the bottom-less pile, they were black, with little white bones on; he loved them.

"You do know Carlisle's gonna kill you when he finds that you cut up his favourite socks, right?" I asked and she shrugged, not looking at me, reaching for another sock to cut to pieces.

"Well, he won't be mad for long, because now he can get his nails painted all pink and rosy!"

"_Pink and rosy?_" I repeated, raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah! All pearly pink and rosy!!"

I rolled my eyes, and sighed as she reached for yet another pair of socks.

"Jazzy!!!" she called as I began to walk out of the door.

I sighed, and walked back inside.

Before I knew it, I was sat on the bed, scissors in hand, and a sliced pair of socks in my lap.

"WHERE ARE MY SOCKS?!" Carlisle yelled, and I gulped.

Alice winked at me from across the room, and then flew out, presumable going downstairs to act all innocent.

The bedroom door flew open, and Carlisle began to mourn his favourite socks.

"Why? WHYY?!" he asked me, and I shrugged.

"FREAKIN' WHY?" he yelled, and I shrank back against the pillows.

"Um… socks hide a perfect pedicure from view?" I said, my explanation sounding like a question.

I laughed nervously, and Carlisle gathered up the tattered pieces of his socks, and walked out of the room, his dignity intact.

I sighed, putting down the scissors.

I threw the socks in my lap across the room, before realising which ones they were.

They were blue; with huge grizzly bears sewn on… three guesses who _they_ belonged too.

"OMG! WHERE. THE. HELL. ARE. MY. GRIZZLY. SOCKS?!" Emmett asked, screaming up the stairs.

At this point … I hid in the closet.

I heard him stalk into the room, and almost sob as he saw his socks in the toe-less pile.

"MY BABY'S!" he proclaimed loudly, and I stifled a laugh.

"Oh sh-" he said, as he heard Rosalie walk up the stairs, most likely hearing his outburst about _socks._

I laughed as I heard Esme approach the room, most likely to scold his _interesting_ use of language.

"HOW MANY TIMES? LANGUAGE!" she said from outside, and Emmett cursed under his breath.

"I WAS _GOING_ TO SAY OH _SHUGAR_ BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! WHERE THE HELL IS THE JUSTICE?!" he said, grabbing his torn up socks and walking out of the room, glaring at anything in his way, including the wall.

Finally, I exited the closet, and went downstairs just as Rosalie found her hot pink Playboy socks missing …

Who said fireworks belonged in November?

Because sure as hell, they were about to start now ….

**Okay, I have no idea if you have Bonfire Night in America, but basically, you let of a load of fireworks.**

**ANYWAY!**

**The important AN!!**** (Kinda)**

**994 REVEIWS!!**

**If I could give you all bear hugs right now, I would.**

**Reviews: 994**

**Hits: 65,029 (that's a biiig number!)**

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**I love you guys!!**

**Untill next time my fellow Haribo's!!**

**Sarah x**


	51. The End

**Guess who's back, Back again, Sarah's back, tell a friend …**

**Okay, after my very random parody of Eminem's song, on with the AN!**

**Kay, so I changed my pen name from **_**AliceC1**_**tooooo **_**CrazyLittleStar**_**.**

**Don't ask. It was half 2, in L2L, the lesson once a week where my school finds it essential that we learn to **_**learn.**_** Why? I hear you ask. Why is the exact question. In actual truth we sit in the lesson and watch movies if you've got some random nice teacher … if not, then it's either some dumb 'educational' video, or work, like, designing your own leisure centre that the city could use. A. Load. Of. Crap.**

**And none of you read that AN but oh well!!**

**And now for the good (debatable) crap!**

APOV

"OKAY GUYS/GIRLS" I screamed at the top of the landing.

The family assembled like the army … maybe Jazzy Pants has something to do with it.

I counted the heads and noticed a missing head.

A missing _blonde_ head.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE MY SOCKS?" Rose yelled from the second floor.

"Oopsies" I said, before running to the door.

"Not a chance pixie" Emmett said, locking the door then glancing up to the second floor.

"OH ROSIEEE! I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SOCKSSSSSSSS" he said and I narrowed my eyes.

"You. Wouldn't." I said, and he grinned before narrowing his eyes too.

"Oh wouldn't I, sister _dear_?" he said and I glared at him.

He glared back and I narrowed my eyes even further.

He did too, and his were nearly closed.

I narrowed mine to slits, and he did so too.

"Jesus Christ! Are you two having a narrowing-your-eyes contest or something?" Bella spoke up and I tore my eyes away for just one second.

"No, but he is so gonna grass me up!" I complained and Carlisle smirked from the back of the room.

I glared at him too and he seemed to be amused.

"You grass us up aaaaaallll the time!!" Emmett protested and I continued to glare at him.

"The point?" I asked, raising my eyebrows over my narrowed eyes.

"The point is _payback_, darling sibling of mine" Emmett said, revenge burning in his eyes.

"Again, You. Wouldn't" I said, staring to panic.

"ALRIGHT, EMMETT, TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW OR I SWEAR TO _GOD_ I _WILL_ SNAP _THE SIMS 3_ IN HALF!" Rose screamed and Esme seemed bemused.

"ITWASALICE!" Emmett screamed before running out of the house.

I was hot on his heels, Rose following close behind me.

"ALICE!" she screamed and I turned to face her, mock bravery on my face.

"ALRIGHT! I DID IT SO WHEN YOU GET A PEDICURE YOU CAN SHOW THE WOOOORRRRLLLLD" I said, and she looked shocked.

"Alice, what exactly did you _do_ to my socks?!"

"I um … cut the toe part off …" I said, looking down at the grass beneath my stilletto'd feet.

"Wow." Rose said, obviously shocked.

"Now I wasn't expecting THAT" she said, turning to hug me.

"I LOVE YOU!" she said, and Emmett grinned that sly smile.

"I didn't know you swing that way Rose, when were you planning on telling me? And Alice, what about Jasper?" he said, and I grimaced.

I dread to think what was going through his mind at that second.

"No, Emmett, I mean as a _sister_" Rose said, and Emmett just _had_ to push her.

"So _that's_ what you do when you spend hours in Alice's room." He said, grinning mischievously.

"No, THAT is shopping online." I defended myself and yet again he grinned slyly.

"Oh? For _what_ exactly?"

"EMMETT, YOU PERVERT." Rose screamed, heading back to the house.

A few seconds later I heard a sickening crack and Emmett started to cry.

"But Rose … I needed that!" he whimpered and she fought back a laugh.

"No, Emmett, no you didn't."

"But, but I need it like I need my pinkie finger!" he protested.

Rosalie stalked off into the kitchen for God knows what, and Emmett sank down on the sofa.

"My poor Sims … I needed to love and nurture them …" he said, getting up and disappearing upstairs.

He came back down dressed in black, and holding a black shoe box.

"This is the end of The Sims …" he said, kneeling on the ground to mourn.

**Hehe, I bet you thought this was the end 'cuz of the chapter name!!**

**Muhahahahaha, it's not.**

**But it IS the end of the Sims … for Emmett anyways.**

**REVIEW.**


	52. On MY couch!

**Sorry for not updating in so long!! But anyways, hope you like it!! The italics below are the song So Over You by The Mission District, it's awesome, and stuck in my head!!**

Em POV

_Im so over you, woah, woah, woah, and all the things that you do, woah woah woah, Im so over you-  
_"EMMETT! STOP. SINGING!" Edward screamed and I laughed.

"It's just a song Eddie, calm down" I said and I heard him attempt to punch something.

Alice and Rose were upstairs again, and I realised now was the perfect time to prove my theory.

(The theory of 'what Alice and Rosalie do when they are in Alice's room for all those hours' mentioned in the last chapter)

"No Alice! I don't like it!" Rose said and Alice sighed heavily.

"C'mon Rose! Just try it!"

"No. I refuse to wear _that_"

"Bella will"

"Because you'll threaten her."

"Rose! Everyone's got one!"

What the hell were they discussing?

I couldn't find any innuendo's for their conversation, so I decided to resort to looking through the key hole instead.

Alice dropped the skirt in her hands and glared at the door.

"Emmett, go away or I swear to god I will attack you with Rimmel London lip-gloss."

(No idea if you can get that outside the UK … but if not, it's a brand of make up)

I stalked back downstairs, to wait out whatever they were doing.

CPOV

I walked in from work, humming as I walked into the kitchen.

I was halfway though the door when I saw a cushion move.

I backed up until I was staring at the sofa.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" I screamed.

Emmett.

Rosalie.

Making out.

ON MY COUCH.

They didn't seem to notice my out burst.

I covered my eyes and continued to scream bloody murder.

"JESUS LORD CHRIST GOD! HELP ME! MY EYES! THEY BURN! I MAY NEVER SEE AGAIN!"

Emmett looked up, lip-gloss smeared on his face.

"Oh, hey dad." He said, and then his head disappeared again.

I gagged and walked slowly into the kitchen.

I curled up on the floor and rocked back wards and forwards slowly.

Hours later, Alice and Esme wandered into the kitchen and I continued to rock back and forth.

"Emmett. Rosalie. Couch. Mine. Making. Out. Eyes. They. Burn. Scarred. For. Life." I muttered and Alice sighed.

"Emmett, you've scared him for life!" she said and I sighed, getting up.

I walked up the stairs to my study, and Esme to go decorate some random room.

"They are so going to do grown up things now" Emmett stage whispered to Rosalie and I sighed.

Would I ever have a normal day?

**Not funny I know.**

**And SO short!!**

**I promise, no i SWEAR the next chapter will be better, pinkie swear!!**

**Don't kill me!**

**Anyways, review!**


	53. Take aways, vampire secrets and KFC

**Okay … its 12 o'clock … I'm hungry, ima go find something to eat while typing, if it's something sugary well, I shall be hyper.**

***Wanders into kitchen… wanders back out and back to the computer***

**Woo, meh has Haribo! Beware Young Padawans, bewareeeee.**

**And thank you to ****L88Z****for the ideas for this chapter, and probably for a few others aswell!!!**

Em POV

"Hey! Guys! Bella's hungry!" I screamed and Bella looked at me in confusion from the sofa.

"I am?" she asked and I nodded.

"Shush! I wanna go KFC!" I whispered and Rose rolled her eyes.

"KFC? Why? Why in God's name would _you_ want Kentucky fried chicken?" she asked and I gasped.

"Kentucky fried chicken! It has the same initials as KFC!" I said and Jasper smacked his forehead.

"Emmett, KFC _stands_ for Kentucky Fried Chicken! K. F. C!" Alice said slowly and I gasped.

(Seriously, I only figured that out last month, it took me thirteen years to work that out … well, about eight years … is that bad?)

"He didn't know that?" Bella asked and Edward shook his head.

I'd like to know how THEY knew what it was.

Humph.

"So! We is going to KFC!" I said, picking Bella up of the sofa and running out to the garage.

I decided to take Carlisle's car, swiping the keys of the side.

I got in the drivers seat, and she got in the passenger side.

Edward, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper got in the back, seriously, it's lucky they don't have to breathe; there wasn't enough room for a speck of _dust_ in that back seat, let alone room for a normal person to breathe.

I pulled in to the drive-thru and waited, beeping the horn a few times.

We got to the window and a guy about sixteen stood behind the counter, his eyelids dropping with boredom.

"Hi my name is Jonny and welcome to KFC. How can I help you today?" he said in a monotone.

"Hey! You know you spelt drive thru wrong yeah? You spelt it T-H-R-U, when it's _supposed_ to be spelt T-H-R-E-W"

Edward stifled a laugh from the backseat and Alice had to press her fist into her mouth to stop from laughing.

"Um Emmett … you spelt through wrong…" Bella said and I held up a hand.

"Shush young Padawan! I did no such thing!"

"Um, Em … it's spelt T-H-R-O-U-G-H …" Jasper said and I sighed.

"Shut the hell up, I say its spelt T-H-R-E-W so it's spelt T-H-R-E-W" I said and I turned back to Jonny at the drive thru window.

"Anyway! I would like a KFC to go!" I said and Jonny raised a bleached blonde eyebrow.

Yeah, the dude dyed his eyebrows.

"I'll have a popcorn chicken snack box" Bella said and Jonny wrote down her order … hey where were those awesome little touch screen till thingies?

"Sure" Jonny said and I sighed.

"We want it to go" I said and he looked at me and nodded slowly.

"This _is _the drive thru … it is for take away meals…"

"No, I don't want a TAKE AWAY, I want it TO. GO." I screamed and Jonny nodded, shrinking back.

"Sure … a meal to take out."

"No. I. want. It. To. GO."

"Emmett, to go IS a take away" Bella said and I shook my head.

"NO! A take away is what you take away and eat in the car and a 'to go' is what you take away and eat at home" I said and Jasper tried to disguise his laughter by coughing.

"What the hell? You don't even cough Jasper. You CAN'T cough, idiot, you is a vampire." I said and Edward hit his head on the back of the seat, Alice groaned, Rosalie hit my head and Jasper put his head in his hands.

"What?" I asked innocently "Jasper _is_ a vampire!"

"ON HALLOWEEN! Jasper's a vampire on Halloween!" Bella said quickly and I looked at her in confusion.

"Hey Eddie, is you sure you told Bellsie-kinz here? No, Bella, we are-" I said but Rose kicked my seat and indicated to Jonny who was listening to our whole conversation.

"A moment please, I would like to converse with my family" I said to Jonny, rolling up the window.

"Emmett you _jackass!_" Alice said and I gasped.

"Alice! Why would you say that?!"

"Because you just said that Jasper is a vampire in front of the dude at the drive thru at _KFC_!" Rose said and I looked at her in confusion.

"But he is …"

Edward smacked his forehead.

"Yeah, and you are so lucky that he thought it was all some joke!" Alice said and I suddenly realised because I is awesome.

"Ohhhhh! He might have believed us!" I said and they all groaned.

"YES!" They said simultaneously.

"Yah yah, whatever," I said rolling the window down again.

Jonny looked incredibly bored, and when we opened the window again he muttered something sounding like '_finally'_

"Here's your meal" he said, handing me a box.

I gave him a couple of notes and then looked at his suspiciously.

"Is this to go?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Um, yes, it's a take away."

I groaned.

"Did I ASK for a take away? NO. I asked for it TO. GO!" I said, and Jonny smacked his head.

"IT IS TO GO!" he said, and then slammed the drive thru window.

I sighed.

"Some PEOPLE."

I drove off, and ran a couple of red lights.

"No,_ MOVE_ Jasper!" Rose said, and Jasper sighed.

"I _can't_!" he said and Rose sighed heavily.

"Of course you freaking well can!" she said and Jasper indicated to the door he was sat next too.

"Rosalie, if I move up any more I'll be out of the goddamn car!"

"That isn't a bad idea" she muttered.

I turned onto a side street and Rosalie leaned across Jasper to get to the door handle.

Before he knew what was happening it was too late.

"Bye Jasper!" Rose said, and pushed the door open, shoving Jasper out.

He cursed loudly and jumped onto the roof.

"EW! A bug! It _flew_ onto my _hair_!" Jasper said, hitting his hair numerous times to kill the bug.

When he had finally got back into the car, this time sitting next to Edward, on the other side of the car as Rose.

"Hey, Emmett, what time is it?" Bella asked and I looked at my watch.

9:15 PM.

"3:45 PM" I said and she looked at me in confusion.

"Um…"

"Its quarter to ten Bella" Eddie said from the back seat, sighing heavily.

"Hey! Hey Bella! When's my birthday?" I asked and she shrugged.

"Me no know"

I sighed.

"The 31'st of September!" I said and she nodded slowly.

"Yeah um Emmett … there ISN'T a 31'st of September…" she said slowly, as if I was two.

"Emmett, your mental age IS two" Edward said and I sighed.

"Whatever Eddieee" I said, dragging out each 'e'.

"Emmett, you are officially mentally retarded." Alice said from the back seat and I sighed.

"Alice, your accent isn't fooling anyone" I said and she looked in confusion.

"What accent?!" she asked and I narrowed my eyes.

"THAT accent"

"WHAT accent?!"

"_THE_ accent!"

She sighed heavily, obviously choosing to ignore me.

"Emmett, I don't have an accent" she said and I clamped my hands over my ears, letting go of the steering wheel.

"EMMETT!" Bella screamed, covering her eyes.

I looked round.

"What?" I said and Bella pointed to a wall that we were headed straight for.

I turned the steering wheel and we crashed into a bin.

"oops." I muttered.

Smoke was coming from under the hood and Rose sighed.

"This is NOT good"

"Now that is disturbing coming from a person who is probably the best mechanic in town" Jasper said and Alice's face went blank.

"Probably the best" Rose snorted, then Alice sighed heavily and we turned to her.

"We. Are. Busted." She said slowly.

"Uh-oh" Bella said and I nodded.

"Emmett this is your fault!" Eddie said and I sighed.

"We are all to blame Eddie"

"I know! Let's tell jokes!" I said and everyone groaned.

"Okay, I'll start" I volunteered.

"So, a man walks into a bar, and then the bar man says "what can I get you" so the man says "what have you got" and then the bar man says "I don't know," and then the man says "But it's your bar" and so the bar man says "Yeah but I don't know, I don't have a super memory" so the man says "haven't you got a menu?" and the bar man says "No, we were going to get one, but it cost too much" so the man says "but now I don't know what to drink" so the bar man says "Think of something" so the man says "I don't know what you serve" so the bar man says "Well… think"

----------- Two hours later--------

"And then the man says … oh uh crap … what does the man say now? Uhhh…." I said, forgetting the punch line.

"You did NOT forget it." Rose said and I nodded sheepishly.

Bella was snoring softly, and I sighed.

"How long's she been asleep?" I asked and Rose looked at her watch.

"Almost two hours."

"Emmett, how can you FORGET the punch line? You don't forget!" Jasper said and I shrugged.

"I wasn't listening properly, but the punch line was a real hoot!" I insisted.

"Whopsie" Alice said and I looked at her and she pointed to outside the window.

There stood Carlisle, glaring at the smoking hood of his car.

"Um … hey dad!" I said innocently and he clenched his teeth.

"Home. Now."

**Told you this would be longer!**

**Anyways, REVIEW!**

**Hope this was better ….**

**Now reveiw or the rabid monkey with a mental diasese will chase you down the road.**


	54. Groundings, Buddy Lists & Bad Ideas

**Aaaand I am back for another chapter!!**

**Thanks for the reviews, meh loves you guys =D**

**Thanks to L88Z again for the ideas, and thanksie to Snail/Gemmz for an idea**

**Hope you likeyy this chapter!**

**Now review!**

Em POV

Carlisle glared at me and I laughed nervously.

"Um, hey Carweasel, yeah, um Bella here needs to go home so we'll just drop her off and um … then meet you at home…" I said and Bella laughed quietly.

"Hehe … Bob. Who's Bob? I don't … know." She said in her sleep and I laughed.

"Hey Eddie, you got competition. Bella said Bob's name before yours!"

"Shut the hell up!" Eddie said and Jasper laughed.

"Yeah Emmie!" he said, jumping on the band wagon.

"Shut up Jasper, stop getting involved!" I said and he smirked.

"_I'm_ getting involved"

"Actually you ARE" I said and he sighed heavily.

"Your mom" he muttered.

"Your mom _what_?" Carlisle said and Jasper stuttered.

"Your mom uh … rowed a boat?" Jasper said nervously and Carlisle sighed.

"To tot … or not to …tot" Bella muttered in her sleep and I laughed.

"And now she's quoting Shakespeare … incorrectly I might add" I said and Edward hit my head.

"Macbeth … future … Gah!" Alice said, sighing.

"What. The. Hell." I said and Jasper sighed.

"You're getting into Shakespeare too huh?" he asked and she shook her head.

"We're getting a Macbeth assignment in the future" she said and I laughed, trust her to be concerned about _homework_ when her brother was about to be mauled by her 'father' for totalling his car.

"So, we've got, to tot or not to tot, with Macbeth in the future with your mother rowing your boat. _Nice_" Edward said, rolling his eyes.

Carlisle stood in confusion at the window, waiting to yell at us.

"Soo …" Carlisle said and I sighed.

"We did NOT ruin your car" I said and he raised his eyebrows.

"So all that smoke coming from the bonnet is simply emitting environment saving gasses I presume?"

I nodded slowly.

"Uh-huh. Yep"

"AH! CARWEASEL HAS … um, diarrhoea?" I said, hoping to stall so we could all run.

"GUYS! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RUN WHILE I DISTRACTED HIM!"

Rosalie sighed, hitting her head with her hand.

"Emmett, the front of my car has smoke coming from it, there is a jasper-shaped _dent_in my roof, a hand shaped mark in my door, a KFC box on the floor of my car with popcorn chicken scattered round, a dead bug on the roof, Emmett's hand prints in the steering wheel, my front window is all scratched and the wind screen wipers are _still_running" Carlisle said and I sighed.

"It's Emmett's fault for the KFC, he knocked it out of Bella's hand" Alice said and I sighed.

Stupid pixie.

"It was an _accident_!" I protested.

"And Rose pushed me out of the car!" Jasper said, and then went on to explain the dead bug.

"Well, the crash explains the smoke, so Emmett, why the hell are the wind screen wipers still on?" Carweasel asked and I smiled.

I had a _very_ valid AND acceptable excuse for this one.

"I was keeping them in tune" I said innocently.

"And the scratches?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"A stone got under the windscreen wipers and scratched the entire window" I said and Carlisle groaned.

"Carlisle, I can fix your car" Rose said and Carlisle smiled at her like she was a miracle worker, or if she had just discovered the cure for cancer.

"I think" she added in barely a whisper.

"But its Emmett's fault anyway 'cuz he wasn't looking where he was driving and he almost killed us all. Well, killed Bella…" Jasper said and Carlisle grimaced.

"Oh man, you are _SO_ off my buddy list!" I hissed and he shrugged.

"Sure thing, I'll just take my _Halo 3_ back then?" he said and I frowned.

He knew my weaknesses.

"So, um … yeah. I didn't mean it like … no, because yeah … but um … so this man walks into the bar and the bar man says "what can I get you" so the man says…" said beginning the joke from before.

Everyone groaned loudly, even Bella, even though she was asleep … now that's disturbing.

------- Two Hours Later -----

"EMMETT! Enough with the damn JOKE!" Carlisle said and I pouted.

"But … but the punch line!" I protested and he held up his hand.

"The punch line is going to DEPRESS me"

"He can't even remember the punch line" Alice said and I turned to glare at her.

"Oh man, you _and_ Jasper are _both_ off my buddy list now … don't be expecting no Christmas card from ME" I said, sticking my tongue out in a _very_ mature manner.

"Mature for _you_" Edward said and I pouted.

"Shut the hell up! I can be mature!" I protested and the whole car erupted in laugher.

I pouted again.

"Shut up! I can be very mature … if I want to."

"No, Emmett, seriously, I've seen three year olds more mature than you" Edward said and I sighed.

"And I've seen five year olds with better hair than you" I said and he narrowed his eyes.

"Shut up! At least I know the difference between a merry go round and a carousel!"

Ooh burn; that was a low blow.

"Dude! That was one time I asked that!"

"Yeah, in _Disney Land_!" he said and I narrowed my eyes.

(I didn't know there was a difference, but then I watched Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat (from All Time Low) in Disney Land and Jack says something or other and Matt, their manager says '**A carousel goes one way and a merry go round goes the other way**' so that's how I know the difference =D)

"Disney Land is a haven. There is no war, only peace and love"

"_PEACE AND LOVE_?!" Eddie laughed and I glared.

"Man, you just got yourself crossed of my buddy list too." I said and he laughed.

"Emmett, your 'buddy list' consists of about three people!" he laughed and I pouted.

"Does not!"

He raised an eyebrow and I smirked.

"There's Esme, and Carweasel, and Bella, and Charlie-"

"Have you ever had a full conversation with Charlie?" Edward said and I nodded.

"Yep. I phoned him asking to borrow his car 'cuz I wanted to drive round the streets with the siren on" I said and Rosalie hit her head with her hand again.

"He likes _me_ better than _you_" I said and he glared at me.

"Actually, he likes _me_ better than all of you!" Alice said and I sighed.

"Yeah, that's because you sprinkled him with magic pixie dust to make him like you." I said and she glared at me.

"Whatever, he still likes me better than you, plus, he's only seen you like once, and when you phoned he probably didn't even know who you were" she said and I gasped.

"Of course he knew me! Actually, he knows everyone in this town, he's a _cop_. Duh" I protested and Alice laughed.

"Oh so cause he's a cop he knows everyone?"

I nodded.

"Alice! Just shut up anyway! I was having an argument with Eddie Puss over there but you butted in!" I said and she continued to glare at me.

"Anyway Eddie …" I said and he glared.

"My name is NOT Eddie … Emmie"

"Shut UP! If I wanna call you Eddie I can, and anyway, you're a hippo, cuz you just called me Emmie even though that's not my name!"

"A … _hippo_?" he said and I nodded.

"Yeah, someone that says 'don't do that' and then goes and does it themselves. A hippo" I said smartly.

Nothing can beat my logic; let's see him get out of _this_ one.

"Emmett, don't you mean _hypocrite_?" he asked and I paused.

"Uh … SHUT UP!" I said and Carlisle sighed heavily.

Bella rolled over then, almost falling off the seat.

"Who what where why when?!" she said, jumping up and hitting her head on the roof of the car.

Carlisle flinched, then, realising that Bella could not possibly dent his roof (further than it already was) sighed and shook his head at her while she grinned, then she lifted her hand and put it over her head where it had made contact with the roof.

"Owwww" she said, sitting back down.

"Oh, hey Carlisle!" she said and he waved at her.

"Now, Emmett, you is grounded, Rosalie, you shouldn't have pushed your brother out of the car and Jasper, you shouldn't have squished that bug on my roof, or jumped on my roof for that matter" Carlisle said and launched into a huge lecture.

Rose got out inspecting the damage and I could hear her tutting and sighing and I heard the occasional "This aint good".

Finally she got the car started, and we took off home, the car spluttering, smoking and stopping at awkward times.

We got up the drive after three hours, and we all walked inside solemnly.

He glared after us, stomping his feet on the gravel.

Oh man, Carweasel was _NOT_ happy.

---------Back at Home --------

"Esmeeee! We is homeage!" I declared loudly, walking through the front door.

"Huh? Emmett? Where've you _been_?! I tired phoning you and I got no answer!! You went to KFC _eight _HOURS ago! Where the hell have you been? I've been going crazy! I considered calling the police! But then that would involve Charlie and then Bella wouldn't be able to stay, but still! She must be tired … did you look after her? You did didn't you? But anyways, why have do you all look like some one died? Good God no, someone _didn't_ die did they? Please tell me no! Where's Bella? Oh, she's okay, but please please please tells me the car is fine! Did you take your car? Where are the keys to the Mercedes? I couldn't find them …" she ranted, and I sighed.

"One, so THAT was what I threw out of the car ... I dropped something, it must have been the phone. Two: we've been in the car. Three: YES we DID look after Bella. Four: no one died and so it could not have been Bella, Five: the car is … indisposed Six: we took the Mercedes and _that's_ why you couldn't find the keys" I answered and she narrowed her eyes.

"The car is … indisposed? What the HELL does that mean?!"

"I'll tell you what it freakin' MEANS. There is a immeasurable amount of SMOKE emitting from the engine, the roof has a rather large _Jasper shaped dint_ in it, and my back right passenger door has _Rosalie shaped hand prints_ on it, the steering wheel has been moulded into Emmett's fist like play dough, there are a few _dead bugs_ on my roof, and my window is all scratched because _'a stone got under the windscreen wipers' _which were on because _'we were keeping them in tune'_. My engine can't make it down the _drive_ without spluttering and stopping! And God knows where my keys have gone! Emmett had them in the ignition but now they're just … _gone_." Carlisle said from the couch, and Esme ran to comfort him.

"Groundeeeddd!" Esme sang and I groaned.

I trailed upstairs, the rest of them following behind me.

---- Two Weeks Later ---

I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Four whole days I sat in the same room, staring at the same four walls.

That was when I decided to do _something_.

"Emmett, I _really_ don't advise it." Alice said from the room above and I rolled my eyes.

I walked silently down to the basement, ignoring Alice's warning.

I opened the wooden door to the basement, and walked slowly down the wooden steps, taking extra care to avoid the creaky steps.

My hand reached out toward the main power switch, and just as I flicked the switch…

"YEAH! BOO YAH BABY! I HAVE FOUND A CURE FOR CANCER! And now to save the document…" Carlisle declared and then I heard a huge crash.

"EMMETT! I WILL MURDER YOU. THIS IS THE LAST DAY YOU EVER LIVE" he yelled and I bit back a laughed.

Alice appeared in the doorway, a smug expression on her pixie face.

"I TOLD you it was a bad idea"

"No, actually you said 'I really don't advise this' different things!" I said smugly and Alice rolled her eyes.

"You do know you just lost Carlisle's flies on cancer? When he only just found a cure? He could have changed the world …"

I shrugged, and cringed as I felt the foundations of the house shaking.

I guess I'm in trouble …?

**That was a bit crappy, but anyways, hopes you liked it (as crappy as it was)!**

**Please review anyways!!**

**P.S, my arrow is SO cool!!**

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	55. Arguments, Age and Ohnoyoudiint

**Okay, I know this took **_**forever**_** and a day to get out, but I've rewritten this chapter twice already … so yeah ...but anyways,**

**Okay,**

**Tomorrow (the 22****nd****) im going on holiday, so I wont update for a week, so yeah, now you know ^^**

**Kaii, I randomly felt like making this chapter a ...documentary kind … meh, seemed good at the time, hope you like!!**

Third person POV

He stormed down the stairs, a vicious expression on his face.

"IT'S YOUR FAUUUUULLLLTTT!" he screamed, pointing at his brother sitting calmly across the room.

"NU-UH!" his brother protested.

"UH-HUH!" the boy/man protested back.

Yes, you are observing the strange creature know to man as a vam-pire.

In the case of these two brothers, they lost their minds during the change, rendering them insane for the rest of their ridiculously long lives.

Yes my friends, you have stumbled upon yet another argument between Emmett (Em-met) and Jasper (Jas-per) Cullen/Hale (Cul-len, Hay-el)

Their argument this time:

Emmett's pet cookie – hidden in the woods – that has mysteriously disappeared.

"YOU HID MY COOKIE!" Emmett screamed at his brother.

"IT WAS WILEMENA THE TOOTH FAIRY!" Jasper his brother protested, stamping his foot.

A woman with brown hair opened the door, and sighed at the sight.

"Fighting again?" the girl asked; this is Bella (Be-La) Swan (Sw-an).

Unlike the arguing brothers, this girl is human.

Otherwise, mortal, normal, un-dead, or simply just 'one of the damned'.

The two brothers simply ignored her, carrying on with their argument about cookies.

Only when another woman, older this time, and not as human as Bella, did the boys stop their bickering.

This woman was the equivalent of their mother; this woman was Esme (Ez-Mey) Cullen.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" she screamed, and the two brothers looked at each other, each of them telling the other 'I hate you' clearly in their eyes.

"I hate you" Emmett muttered, the other sighed, and their mother stamped her foot, just like her son, Jasper, had done previously.

"SHUT. THE. HELL. UP. NOW, GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!" she screamed, and one of the brothers gained a cheeky grin.

Emmett.

"NOT _RE_PRODUCTIVE!" she screamed, stopping her son's perverted fantasies.

"Damn." He muttered.

Another man walked in the door, carrying a brief case.

The woman looked relieved to see him; he had authority over the two boys.

"Jesus Christ, when will you stop fighting with … him?!" the man asked Jasper (The man had not forgiven Emmett for making him lose his research on cancer, retorting with an "I forgot because I didn't have time to remember it" when Emmett suggested he couldn't possibly forget), and the boy shrugged; he they enjoyed their arguments.

This man was their 'father' Carlisle (Car-liyel) Cullen, he was a doctor, (doc-ter) at the local Forks (For-ks) hospital.

Emmett walked away, running up the stairs, while Jasper went back to the sofa, and picking up a magazine he had threw at his brother's head during their argument.

It was only when he flicked to the third page he noticed he was reading a lingerie magazine; he threw in on the ground, stamping on it.

He disappeared into the kitchen, and came back seconds later with matches in hand.

He lit the match, and threw it onto the magazine in disgust.

His mother, smelling the smoke, ran into the room, wondering if Jasper had set his hand on fire.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING_?!" she screamed when she saw the burning pile on the floor.

"Burning it." Her son said with a shrug.

She sighed, and disappeared into the kitchen.

She then came out, wet towel in hand.

Throwing the towel onto the magazine and getting rid of the flames, she picked up the blackened magazine, holding it at arms length, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

"May I as WHY you decided to burn this magazine?" she asked, and he shrugged.

"Okay, may I ask why you decided to burn you're _wife's_ magazine?" she asked, and fear crossed his face.

"Holy sh-"

"EHEM" Esme coughed, stopping her son's language.

"-ugar. Shugar." He said quickly, then, as the door opened, announcing his wife and sister's return from shopping he ran upstairs.

Another two girls came in, Alice (Al-ice) and Rosalie (Rosa-lee), laden with shopping bags.

"WHERE THE HELL DID MY MAGAZINE GO?!" Alice screamed, and Esme held up the blackened magazine.

"UUUUURRRG! I WANTED TO ORDER FROM THAT! I IZ GOING TO KILL SOMEBODYYYY!" she screamed, throwing a potato (from God knows where) at the window.  
Esme gasped, and ran to clean it up.

Alice ran upstairs, and Esme stopped on her way to get the glass cleaner.

"So, have a nice time today?" She asked her other 'daughter'.

"Um … sure." Rosalie answered, looking at her strangely.

"Umm … Esme, aren't you going to clean that? You would have normally done it by now…" she said, indicating to the potato on the window.

"Oh, yeah" Esme shrugged.

"Jakey! C'mon Jacob!" she said, patting her knees.

"C'mon! C'mon boy!" she said and a huge dog/wolf burst through the door; a cape round its neck with a 'J' in a triangle, like the superman cape.

The wolf-dog moved to the window and began licking the potato of it.

This is Jacob (Jay-cob) Black (Bla-ck) a werewolf/shape shifter, no one really knows to be honest… no one thinks about the difference and the wolves get a high out of being able to brag about being 'werewolves'.

When the dog-wolf moved away from the window, Esme bent down to rub his head.

"Who's a good doggy? Yesh, that's a good boyyyy!" she said, talking as if to a baby.

Rosalie sighed, and walked slowly up the stairs muttering about 'the smell' and pinching her nose.

That was (half a) day with the Cullen's, in short, they are an arguing, dog loving/hating, clean-a-holic, shop-a-holic, clumsy (Bella) stinky (Jacob and Cullen's, depends on who is smelling who…) bunch of people/vampires/werewolves/shape-shifters.

"HOPE YOU LIKED THE SHOW, GOODNIGHT, HAVE A SAFE TRIP HOME, AND DON'T EAT A RABID SQUIRREL THEN DRIVE! G'NIGHT PEEPS!" Emmett shouted, and Jasper hit his head.

"They aren't going to see this, idiot! If the do, the whole woooorrrllllddd will know my plans for world domination! Oh sh-"

"EHEM!" Esme coughs and Jasper quickly backtracks.

"Shuger, did I say that out loud?" he continues.

"YOU BETTER MEAN SUGER YOUNG LAD!"

"YOUNG? I'M OLDER THAN YOU!"

"BUT I'M YOUR MOTHER!"

"BUT I'M YOUR SON!"

"SHUT IT! I AM YOUR FATHER, AND I AM OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU. SO SHUUUUP!" Carlisle shouted, breaking the argument between his wife and son.

"BWAHAHHA! I IS OLDER THAN ALL YOU PEEPS!" Aro (A-ro) screams, jumping down from the air vents.

"DUDE, CAN'T YOU EVIL LAUGH PROPERLY? IT'S _MW_HAHAHAA, NOT _BW_AHAHHHAHA!" Emmett screamed, slapping Aro with a wet fish, from the fish tank that simply just appeared, because it did.

"OH NO YOU DI-INT!" Aro screamed, and Emmett sighed.

"Jeez dude, everyone totally stopped doing that like … forever ago!" he said and Jasper sighed.

"You stopped doing that last week." He said simply, and Emmett nodded.

"Yah, _ forever_ ago!"

"Was not!" Jasper protested and Emmett gasped.

"OH NO YOU DI-INT!" he screamed and Esme sighed.

"OH NO YOU DI-INT JUST SAY OH NO YOU DI-INT!" She yelled, and Aro gasped.

"OH NO YOU DI-INT JUST SAY ON NO YOU DI-I NT AND ASK HIM IF HE SAID OH NO YOU DI-INT!"

It was about this time that Carlisle stood up on the table, blowing a random whistle.

"SHUT UP!" he screamed, and there was a second's silence before…

"OH NO YOU DI-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINT!!!" erupted from everyone in the room, even Jacob, who had phased into human form, and had made himself a roman-style robe out of Esme's drapes.

"Dude, the dog has dreadful style, doesn't he know toga's went out of fashion like … a thousand years ago?!" Alice asked, and Rosalie nodded, then, backed away as she saw her mother's expression.

"My drapes. You, dog, will die. Painfully." She said, then he took off out of the door with a 'Oh no you di-int'

**Did you like?**

**So, this is the last update for a few days!!**

**REVIEW GUUUYYYS!**

**Ooh, btw, has you SEEN the new New Moon trailer?**

"**Don't … get me mad" hehe, Jake, ahh, you crack me up.**

**REVIEW GUUUYS!**


	56. Like Father Like Son

**Sorryyyyy! Fanfic was being stupid and not letting me upload … for SOME reason … So yeah …**

** 21/08/2009 - Kai, so this AN is kinda pointless, idk how many of you reviewed the last chapter, I can't get an internet connection here -_- so yeah, but, im going to update when me gets home ^^ but um … here is the next chapter (3 weekS after I actually wrote it)**

**P.S I don't own Twilight (too bad, really), All Time Low (Hell yeah I wish), Mario Kart, Gok Wan, Care Bears, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley or any recognisable characters.**

Em POV

_You're only happy when I'm wasted, I point my finger but I just can't place it, feels like I'm falling in love, when I'm falling to the bathroom floor woah-oh-oh-oh I remember how you tasted, I've had you so many times let's face it, feels like I'm falling in love alone, Stella would you take home _I sang in my head as I neared the front door of the garage.

I could hear metal banging from inside, so I assumed Rose was working on a car or something …

I could hear a familiar heartbeat also … that's weird, I thought, Rose is either a. Killing Bella by 1. Hitting her over the head with a spanner, 2. Hitting her head against the garage wall/ a random car 3. hitting her head he car roof of the floor, or b. Rose has finally accepted Bellsy-Kinz as a rare, bleeding, mortal part of the family.

Neyah, I though, it's probably the latter.

As I walked into the garage however, I saw four things.

One. Bella.

Two. Edward.

Three. Bella holding a wrench.

Four. Bella trying to pull Edward forcefully away from the Volvo; which he was holding onto for dear life.

I laughed as I saw the scene before me.

Bella had her right leg on the door next to Eddie's arm, one hand leaning onto the roof for support, and using a wrench to try and pry her 'boy'friend from the car.

Eddie was glaring at the tyre, his cheek pressed against the door.

He had one leg under the car, and his fingers curled around a dent in the top of the door.

I laughed again as Bella took the wrench and hit the car roof repeatedly, and Edward growled, muttering something about demons mauling his car.

I sighed heavily, and put a hand on the Volvo, pulling it back quickly when my _dear_ brother threatened to 'bite my damn hand off if I didn't get it of the car that second'.

"C'mon doggy! You can have a new Volvo if you get off the car!" Bella said, and I laughed; he didn't want _any_ Volvo, he wanted _that_ Volvo.

"Can I have a new car?" I asked hopefully, and Bella sighed, throwing the wrench at me, most likely dinting my head. Oh well.

"Ouch, stupid devil demon human brother's girlfriend thing!" I muttered walking into the house, dodging the badly aimed throws of God knows what at my head.

I heard banging from upstairs, and sighed as I sat on the sofa.

A blonde haired blurred thing streaked past, and then the front door flew open, coming off the hinges.

Seconds later there was a huge crash, and half the forest shook as a significant portion of the trees outside crashed down.

Cautiously, like some sort of James Bond dude, I snuck out of the door, grimacing as the thought that if I was caught at the scene of the crime then I would get the damn blame.

Walking into the shadow of the trees, I began mentally threatening Mario.

Stupid cartoon dude, how dare he beat me on Mario Kart?!

Him and that stupid little dragon thingie, Yoshi, I _so_ beat him, man, I am going to kick his –

"GUUUURRR!!!"

Another amount of the trees fell down, and, to hide myself, I picked up a twig and hid behind it.

(---- Imagine, Emmett hiding behind a twig no bigger than his hand in the forest, with no trees around as they have all been torn down. I just had to make sure you all got the right mental picture :D----)

"Why, hello, was that your friend over there? Herman, was it? He was a delightful fellow, very rude though, I must say. Kill him? What, I never killed anybody! Apart from that guy in Venice that time … but he asked for it! He _glared_ at me. Anyways, nice talking to you, we should brunch some time maybe?" a voice said, with a faint British accent.

Car.

Weasel.

Talking to _trees,_ who would have thought it?  
Hehe, he was _dead_ when Esme saw what he did to "her" – emphasis on the _her_ – forest, and I would _so_ tell on him!

Finally the day has come, where I, the almighty Emmett Bob Dumbledore-

"YOU'RE MIDDLE NAME IS NOT DUMBLEDORE _OR_ BOB!"

The stupid mind reader shouted from inside the house – more specifically, the garage, he still hadn't … _unlatched_ himself from the car, pity really, that Carweasel couldn't hear him. If he had heard it then maybe he'd go yell at him, and blame him for tearing down the forest … make up some stupid excuse about his vocal cords being to loud for the trees to cope with.

Besides, how the hell does _he_ know what my middle name is?

My phone beeped in my pocked; signalling a text.

"Oh I feel so loved!!" I said to a random chipmunk that was eating its way through a leaf and glaring at me.

And since when do chipmunks eat leaves?

But anyways, the text.

I pulled the silver phone out of my awesome outfit cuz I don't need Alice to dress me, cuz I know what to wear.

I am like, totally Gok Wan.

(Me dunno if Americans know who Gok Wan is, or if they can get 10 years younger or Gok's fashion fix on TV, so, he's like, this British fashion guru dude, with awesome glasses and funky hair!)

Flipping the silver phone open, I sighed as I saw the text.

_I read minds, jackass, I think I know what your middle name is._

Pervert.

I don't remember letting him into my mind, he totally loves invading my privacy.

OH GOOD GOD! I SOUND LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL! I thought, with all the 'like's and the 'totally's, I am a _MAN! A manly man! THAT EATS MAN BURGERS!_

Then, the damn phone beeped again, and I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes at the chipmunk that was now gnawing on a teddy bear, a baby chipmunk crying at the bottom of the tree; possibly over the loss of its teddy bear.

_You are a teenage girl. And PS, you don't eat burgers, and chipmunks don't have teddies. That bear is Jasper's Care Bear, he _lost_ it the other day, and the chipmunk got hold of it somehow, oh I wonder how – note heavy sarcasm-_

Stupid dude, how the hell did he know of my top secret mission-plan to steal the beloved Care Bear?

I flipped the phone shut, nodding to myself.

"Ahhh, it makes sense now! I remember giving you the bear, but eat fast, Chipmunk-dude, Jasmina will throw a fit if he see's you eating it..." I said, giving advice to the chipmunk; that, simply ignored me.

Damn chipmunk.

Next time I'll give him _Eddie's_ Care Bear.

Then we'll see how he fares.

And again, the silver phone beeped, telling me I had another text. Joy.

_I don't have a damn Care Bear, unlike some people I could mention, coughYoucough_

Guur!

My Care Bear Wilhelmenabob is not stupid!

You say her name like wil-hel-mee-narr-bob

Now tell me that's a stupid name?!

Anyways, emerging from my awesome hiding place behind the stick, I crept around the trees, humming the mission impossible theme tune.

I saw Carlisle holding a small china cup in one hand, leaning against one tree, talking to another.

I _knew_ it.

Carweasel was in with the trees' conspiracy!!

"So, you doing anything tomorrow night? We could … meet up here and … go somewhere?" he said, and I choked on air.

Carlisle was _flirting_ with a tree.

And here I thought he was happily married.

"Whaddya mean 'what about Esme'? If she finds out, she can go live with uhh …. Wasiz name? That dude that's in love with Bella, his dad. No, not me, idiot. The wolfy guy! Hmm … Frank Sinatra!" he said, in obvious answer to a question that the "tree" had spoken

"One, Frank Sinatra had a son? And two, said son is in love with Bella?" I spoke up, realising a minute too late I may have given away my presence.

Woo, that sounded all freaky like, like I'm a ghost!

Woooooooooooo (supposed to be a ghost noise!)

"I don't know if Frank Sinatra had a bloody son, why you askin' me? Oh, I said that? Really? Huh, well I didn't mean Frank Sinatra, I got my people mixed up! I _meant_ that little leprechaun dude that works nights at the hospital sometimes … he's French I think … Elvis!! Yeah, his son's all like 'BAM!' and he's some gigantic wolf." Carweasel said to the tree, again in answer to some question the tree had apparently asked, and I stifled a laugh.

Now _Elvis'_ son was in love with Bella?

Did he even _have_ a son?

And was said son Jacob?!

"Did Elvis have a son?" I asked in a high pitched girly voice.

"No, but still, the fact remains." (idk if he did or not :D!)

I laughed louder this time, and Carweasel, thinking the tree next to him "laughed" turned round and ripped down the tree.

"That's what you get for disrespecting your elders!" he said, in a tone clearly wanting to add a "_humph_" on the end.

I heard the gravel on the drive crunching and Carlisle whipped his head round and gasped.

"Oh, em … gee! She's back! I must go, my one love! Good bye, fare well, Adieu, Adios!" he said, running away from the tree, throwing the china cup at it in a farewell gesture.

I sighed, one, his drugs were wearing off, and two, if I walked out of the forest and Esme saw _me_ then I'd get the blame for the trees, or, lack thereof.

"Hey Esme! How was your day? Are you okay? Yes? No? What a shame! So, What have you done today? Really? Sounds fun! That's good, love you bye!" Carlisle said, at more than 100 MPH, and not even giving Esme a chance to open her mouth.

"Heeeeeeeey Esme" I said, coming out from the trees and Carlisle gasped theatrically.

"Esme, look at the forest! The beautiful forest!" he said, pointing to the place where thousands of trees _used_ to live.

"Oh my…" Esme began, but Carweasel was already shouting.

"EDDDDIIIIIEEE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO THE FOREST? ALL YOU'RE SHOUTING CAUSED THE TREE'S TO FALL DOWN! YOU WERE SHOUTING SO MUCH THEY COULDN'T TAKE IT!" He screamed, and I sighed.

_Exactly_ what I predicted, and I aint no phsycic thingie, like Ali-Kinz.

"THAT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE, AND I DON'T THINK TREE'S CAN-" Edward protested and Carlisle sighed.

"Kids" he muttered darkly, then turned back to the house and shouted:

"WHO THE HELL IS THE DOCTOR HERE?!" he asked and Eddie-Kinz laughed from inside.

"I HAVE A MEDICAL DEGREE _TOO_!" he said, and Carlisle sighed, stamping his foot.

"YES, BUT YOU FORGOT IT, 'CUZ YOU DON'T USE IT EVERYDAY, UNLIKE I, THE MIGHTY CAPN' CARLISLE!" he screamed, putting his hands on his hips in a Superman fashion.

"Capn' Carlisle?" Esme whispered from next to me and I shrugged.

"Dude, I think he tried his own drugs." I said, and she nodded.

"BWAHHAAHAHAHHA! I RULE ZE WOOOOORRRRLLLLLDDDD!" Carlisle yelled, and ran off in the direction of Forks, his shirt tied round his neck like a cape, one arm extended out behind him, and the other reaching out in front; the classic Superman pose.

I took that opportunity to run upstairs to his study, and raid his drug cabinet.

And when I got there, I was not disappointed.

.

.

000--- Fifteen minuets later---000

"HEY GUYS! I'M GONNA GO FLIRT WITH SOME TWEEEEESSS! 'CUZ THEY LUUUURRRVVEE ME! BAIIII!!" I screamed, running out of the door and into the forest.

"Like Father Like Son." I heard Esme mutter disappointingly, throwing acorns at the chipmunk eating Jasper's Care Bear.

"MY SNUGGLEY CARE BEAR! GET THAT DAMN CHIPMUNK OF SERGENT MAJOR FOX-BOX DUCK!" Jasper screamed, seeing Sergeant Major Fox-Box Duck in the chipmunk's mouth.

And I bet you thought Wilhelminabob was a stupid name.

**So yeah, the only important thing in this AN is, ****The song at the top was **_**Stella**_** by **_**All Time Low.**_

**I don't own All Time Low; Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Rian Dawson or Zack Merrick, what I **_**kinda**_** own is one of three tickets to see them in concert next Wednesday – FOUR. DAYS!!! By kinda, I mean my friend bought them, and has them. Buh I is going with her, she's awesome.**

**So yeah, umm …. Because I am so AWESOMLEY bored (and it's raining ...), try and guess the song lyrics below:**

_**Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year, and I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere, and this is my reaction, to everything I fear, and I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here**_

**Now, Review, and get a cookie!**

**An awesomely awesome rainbow cookie!!**


	57. Said too much You Idiot

**Yay! You people have good music taste. T'was ****WEIGHTLESS**** by ****ALL TIME LOW.**

**Who, by the way, I am seeing in concert on Wednesday... you KNOW you're jealous Amizzle ;L**

**All of you that guessed right get a rainbow cookie****!!**

**And if you haven't heard it … YouTube it!**

**So, here be the next chapter. I don't actually have any ideas … I'm just writing what come out …**

Random School Teacher POV

Driving into the school parking lot I sighed, the Cullen's were in today … joy.

Sure, they got straight A's … but … they had a few … mental … difficulties.

As it was, the first thing I saw was I parked my car, was the big one … whatever his name is … lying down on the roof of a car.

God knows what he was doing …

The other one – the blonde girl – was stood by the side of him, hands on her hips.

The other girl, the black haired one, stood laughing off to the side.

When the blonde girl hit the big guy, the small girl started laughing un-controllably.

At this, another guy – blonde this time – started to laugh, which set the others off, for some reason.

I noticed there was one missing, the other guy, and the girl - the girl that was attached at the hip to the missing guy.

I was new at this school.

Joy.

After two weeks of merciless pranks and jokes, the school had calmed down … shame this ... _family_ hadn't … yet.

I had them all in one class, the school had decided to mix the last two years and split them off into classes.

Just my luck, really, that I would get the one with the Cullen's.

Really, they didn't seem that bad. But they were a constant talking point in the teachers lounge.

Not their grades, oh no, it was an update on their latest antics.

They looked perfectly innocent from the outside, but, in the words of another teacher "they are the devil re-incarnated on the inside"

Sighing, I got out of the car and made my way to the first class.

The very one with all the "crazy" Cullen's.

Joy of joys …

I walked in the classroom, which was thankfully empty.

The kids walked in, and the four Cullen's trailed in behind – the other one and the girl were still missing.

"… Bella?" I asked on the register.

The four Cullen's collapsed into laughter in the back of the room, hitting the desk and clutching their sides.

"Ahhh … funny story, miss" the small girl said, and I rolled my eyes.

The big one bit his lip against more laughter, and spoke up.

"She … she's at … at the hospital" he said, and then collapsed into another fit of laughter.

Failing to see how this was funny i said:

"Care to expand?"

"For … for the … the fifth time … this week!" the other guy said and I sighed.

"For the fifth time? It's only _Monday_" I said, and another round of laughter began.

"EXACTLY" the blonde said, grinning madly.

"Twice today, three times yesterday." The big one said, and I sighed … I really needed to make a mental note of their names …

"That's impossible. No one can possibly go into the hospital that much" I said, refusing to swallow the lies.

"Impossible? Try telling that to the guy that tried to slam a revolving door … and tell that to Bellsy aswell. Yesterday, she tripped over the front door step," the small girl said, and the other guy continued.

"Then she walked _into _the front door" he said, letting the blonde continue.

"And then she accidently fell of the sofa from laughing." She said, and then the dark haired guy continued.

"And then –" he began, but I cut him off.

"Alright, okay. She's in the hospital. I got it." I said, sitting down on the chair.

This time, there were no pins, hidden pens, or any sharp objects.

That _was_ a surprise.

More laughter erupted at the back of the room, and I sighed.

"What is so funny NOW?!"

"Well …" the blonde guy began, and the dark haired one continued.

"God save us ... Emmett's in story mode" the blonde girl muttered, and the small girl laughed.

The big guy launched into a story, the other three shaking their heads and laughing nervously.

"AND SO! The monkey finally got the banana down from the coconut tree, and was able to pay for the sex change." The one I believed to be called Emmett finished.

"You expect me to believe that?" I asked, raising my eyebrows, and he nodded.

"If that story is true then I'm the president of the UK" I said.

"That could well be true, but if that story IS true then I'm … a vampire." He said, and the laughter from the three people surrounding him stopped.

The blonde girl glared, and the small girl hit her forehead, while the blonde guy hit Emmett over the head with a text book white muttering "You idiot."

"One, Emmett, the UK doesn't have a president, and two, I am SO telling on you when we get home" The small girl said smugly.

"Oh yeah? Well … I'm going to burn your wardrobe. See who's telling on who _THEN_" he said, and the girl gasped.

"Yeah, not if I tell Esme now."

"What's Esme gonna do? Ground me?"

"No. Tell Carweasel."

"And how's she gonna do that? I know for a fact that he's booked in for surgery at nine." He said smugly, and she narrowed her eyes.

"He _always_ answers his phone to Esme … and besides, your forgetting, my _best friend_ and my _brother_ are at the hospital … all it takes is _one _iddy biddy text …"

"Aliiiiiiiiiiccce!" he whined, and the girl – Alice – grinned.

"It's gonna take a bribe…" she said, and Emmett looked relived.

"Whaddya want? The new season Gucci shoes?" he asked slowly, and she laughed.

"One, its disturbing that you even know the NAME Gucci, let alone they have _season_s, and besides, I was thinking more … electrical than that …"

"But you just got a new damn Porsche!"

"So?!"

"So I aint getting you a car too!"

"Fine then. I'll just go get my phone to text Ca-"

"NO! I'll buy you whatever you want! Seriously!"

"The new BMW"

The blonde girl, who had spent the whole argument admiring her nails, was suddenly interested.

"WAIT, WHAT!" she shouted, and the small girl sighed.

"I WANT THE NEW BMW."

"NO! YOU KNOW FULL WELL THAT I WANTED TO UPGRADE TO THAT!"

"Oh but did I Rose? DID I?!" Alice yelled, and the other girl, Rose, glared at her.

"YOU MUST HAVE SEEN IT!"

The other guy hit his forehead.

"MY GOD WHAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO?!" he yelled, and Alice grinned.

"Want me to tell Carlisle that too? That both you _and_ Emmett decided to say more than you really should?" she asked, grinning evilly.

"But … but, but …" the blonde - Rose – said, and Alice laughed.

"But _what_?"

"You are one evil little pixie."

"All in the job description. Now, what are you gonna bribe me with?" she asked, and the blonde sighed.

"I won't fix your car."

"There are other _people_ in the house capable of fixing a car."

"Yes, but not an Italian sports car."

"Touché"

The bell rang and I realised just how much of the lesson I had wasted listening to their arguments.

And I knew that the other teachers were right.

The Cullen kids _were_ crazy.

**You get the Cullen Pov of the class next time …**

**AND NOW.**

**Amizzle, you know this one:**

_The neighbours said she moved away, funny how it rained all day, I didn't think much of it then but it's starting to all make sense, oh I can see now, that all of these clouds, are following me in my desperate endeavour, to find my whoever wherever she may be – I'm not coming, I've done something so terrible I'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me, I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, keeping an eye on the world, so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head - Well I guess I'll go home now, I guess I'll go home now, I guess I'll go home_

**Got a bit carried away with the lyrics ... i love this song XD**

**Try and guess it, and um … the first three to guess it, get a small part in the next chapter =D**


	58. Apologies

I'm trying to work out quite how to word this and failing miserably.  
In truth the only reason I stuck with the whole fanfiction thing for so long was because of the amazing reviews I got on this particular story.  
I don't know why the reviews I received were so kind. Reading back now, my grammar was terrible, my sentence structure was abysmal and the punctuation was awful.  
The warped ramblings of a thirteen year old British girl, making up weird scenarios in her head and sharing ideas with her few friends that understood FF in a Science class – it seems so weird that this thing I thought of has over a thousand reviews and God knows how many hits.  
I remember telling me PE teacher how well this whole thing did, and she was amazed.  
Okay, so I failed science that year because all my motivation was centred on writing, but now I'm getting more or less straight A*'s in English, which is the American equivalent of A+.

I guess I'm trying to say that I wouldn't know what to do with my life if I had never stumbled upon this site and decided to write something that I thought mildly funny.  
I want to write for a living. I know that. I don't think I'd be so sure of that if it wasn't for all your reviews and sticking with this.  
I don't want to leave this story unfinished. Even if I don't remember what connection I had with the Twilight series, this story is the one that I can't bear to leave hanging.  
So, I had an idea.  
This thing needs a conclusion - an ending.  
So I wanted to offer you guys a chance to write the ending, because I don't have the inspiration to do it, and don't feel I could do it justice.  
Please send me a last, final chapter to round this off nicely.

Message me or send me the document, whichever.  
I want to leave it up to the readers to decide the ending.

In the meantime, I'm going to go through and edit every part of this and make corrections.

Now though, I want to credit the four best friends I could have ever made through something as risky and vague as the internet.  
Amber, Laura, Rosie and Tara.  
These guys and I had such an instant connection, and I can say with a certain degree of pride that we're all still in touch.  
It's given that Tara being Australian and time zones make it hard to talk as often as we'd like, but thanks to Twitter and mobile messenger services, it makes it a lot easier.  
As for the others, we've been quite a few concerts together and talk a lot.  
I know half of them won't even read this. Maybe Amber will, because I told her about this.  
I guess we all lost that connection with Twilight as it was ruined for us.  
You really have them to thank for me updating as often as I did. Good God, they used to nag me!

I just want to say I'm sorry for leaving this so long, and I know you'll all probably hate me.  
I swore to myself that when I started this, I wouldn't be one of those people writing those annoying author's notes saying how they couldn't write Twilight fanfiction anymore.  
Yet here I am.  
I genuinely am sorry.  
I want to thank you all for sticking with this. I'll be shocked if the original readers of this even have any interest left.

So thank you for boosting a thirteen year old's confidence.  
Three years later, I have made some of the best friends ever and have a rough idea of what career I want to follow.  
Maybe I'll write something else for a different genre. I'd like to think I will.

Yeah so…. Please do send in some documents for the last chapter. It'd mean a lot to finally be able to round this all off.

Sarah x x x


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